William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

As the a long-range analysis of viewers of this site somewhat resembles binary code, I was held by the belief that I would receive no spam whatsoever. And while I don’t receive much, I do get approximately 30-50 attempts at spamming the comments section of the site per week.

Yesterday, however, I received a spam attempt that actually impressed me. You see, the current trend is to stick “Hey, you’re site is super keen” or some such text in the comment area, along with say, 23,000 links to porn or other such sites. Yesterday, I was impressed that I received one that was remarkably straightforward.

It was, in a way, as if they knew me. They were certain my penis was too small, and that I needed help. I felt somewhat exposed. And not in the good, trench-coat-at-church way, either. Nonetheles, I was able to shake it off, except for the post’s reference to “jelqing.”

Jelqing?

It turns out this is some type penis-enlarging exercise, maneuver, thing, of which I found all the necessary information for at a very appealing site called Satanosphere. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m anti-Satan all the way, baby. But it’s not like these guys are Scientologists or anything.

They did a much better job descibing the jelqing phenomenon than I could ever hope. I particularly enjoyed this section from Satanosphere’s post on Jelqing:

As with any mysterious (and widely sought after) ancient technique or substance, real hard information about jelqing, like how to do it (or how badly you’ll wreck your willy doing it) is hard to come by. Controversy about it, however, is not. Google Groups firmed things up a little bit. Read this whole thread from the beginning for a few flaccid humorous moments.

One thing about this still kind of sticks with me though … How come is it that when men want to enlarge their man-parts it’s almost universally viewed as totally creepy, and the websites about it are incredibly tacky and weird?

Now, I’m married, so my need to jelq is fairly low. But I am hoping the word will enter the Scrabble lexicon, where, if played wisely, it could be worth something like 1,500 points.

–WKW

First of all, the U.S. will go to war with Iran before George W. Bush’s presidency is over. I just can’t stop myself from believing that the script was written long ago. And Bush’s love affair with his own destiny makes me firmly believe that there is no way he will pass on this opportunity while the opportunity is still there.

They will go around Congress somehow, will of the people be damned. This is destiny. This is God’s will. Hurling the world into untold chaos is meaningless provided there is the opportunity to kill untold amounts of Arabs. It will last years and years, the draft will be reinstated, etc., etc. And history will judge George W. Bush as a great killer, even though he’s at best a simplistic follower.

This I can’t help myself from believing. I hope to be proven wrong.

Now, the conspiracist in me: What if all this “Iran is planning a suicide Nuke war on Aug. 22″ talk that is all the rage amongst many — especially “conservatives” — is just setting up an nuclear attack on Iran by the U.S.

And being the U.S. is war-weary and all, and would obviously be there for years and years conventionally, why not just pulverize them right off the bat? And we can blame it all on the “nutjob” that is Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Ok, this, I don’t truly believe. But it’s not near as far-fetched as it should be.

–WKW

I’ve been struggling to learn Portuguese. I blame myself, as I’m a rotten student. I always find other things to do. My vocabulary is getting slightly better, however, so I do know a few words in this language.

Like, I know the word for “monkey” is “macaca.”

Virginia senator, and likely presidential candidate George Allen appears to know this, as well:

“This fellow here over here with the yellow shirt, Macaca, or whatever his name is. He’s with my opponent. He’s following us around everywhere. And it’s just great. We’re going to places all over Virginia, and he’s having it on film and its great to have you here and you show it to your opponent because he’s never been there and probably will never come … Lets give a welcome to Macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia,”

This “quip” was aimed at S.R. Sidarth, a 20-year-old, dark-skinned student, who is actually from Virginia. “Macaca” is a very popular insult down in South America, where racism can be extreme, especially on the soccer pitch.

Allen apologized, saying he was unaware what the word meant, which is mind-shatteringly lame. He could have asked the stunningly bilingual George W. Bush, but his Spanish reportedly comes and goes.

–WKW

Country Music Television announced it will pay $50,000 to the mother of the first baby born in the United States during the “Labor” Day weekend premiere of comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s new baby sketch comedy show called “Foxworthy’s Big Night Out.”

Mothers, please trust me on this: your child does not want to be the winning baby. Knock that number up to $500,000 and maybe, but for $50,000, not a chance. The scarring will just be too deep.

Best known for his endless “You might be a Redneck” bit as well as his help in the dumbing down of the U.S., Foxworthy may begin a new trend with this contest - Babies puposefully, and desperately doing their best to not be born.

–WKW

FromVCrisis.com:

“On Sunday, only days after Senator Christopher Dodd and Senator Lincoln Chaffee grilled National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice for her critical views of the Chavez government during a hearing before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez mocked Dr. Rice on state television. Minutes before his comments, a presenter on a Venezuelan government television program had joked that Dr. Rice “wants it badly or is in love with Chavez.”

When President Chavez heard the comment, he screamed that he was going to ask “Condolence” for marriage. When the audience screamed, “No”, he yelled: ”too bad she doesn’t know what she’s missing.” ‘

So, supposedly Chavez has said that Rice’s biggest failing is that she isn’t getting enough. Remember the good old days, when Idi Amin was in charge of Uganda and challenged Jimmy Carter to a fistfight? Remember how nice it was back then when the U.S. had the moral authority to scoff at him and treat him as the fool he was?

We can do the same to Chavez, sure. But with the track record of the U.S. the past few years, it just sounds like the village idiots are hurling insults at each other.

–WKW

Just a thought: Say you had a gardener for many years. Fifty years ago, he was a fine gardener, with his thoughts only on the health of your lawn and flowers.

Now, he’s old. He doesn’t care about your lawn. He actually lets all your flowers die and then lies about it. He continually asks for more money. He requests that you only go visit your lawn at certain times. He even starts destroying your neighbors’ lawns.

Would you fire this man? Or would you keep paying him whatever he wants, while making excuses for his awful work? Like pointing out to people the small, nice parts of the lawn that still remain. Would you encourage others to hire him, as well?

Would you do that?

I didn’t think so.

–WKW

Watching today’s events makes one thing perfectly clear to me: Republicans will not lose control of the Senate come November. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if their advantage grows. And constant war will continue to be the New American way

For me, what I’d most hope for come November are that incumbents suffer massive losses and a third party wins a couple seats. But that’s a dream. Incumbents will win 90-plus percent of their elections, no other party will accomplish anything, and status quo remains.

The republicans will win because they want it more. They are in endless campaign mode. They are relentless and determined. They are fantastic politicians and well organized. That they could not care less about the country or the people in it, goes without saying, but in the end that’s meaningless. Being a good politician is all that really matters.

As for the democrats, honestly, who cares? If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem. They are just as soulless and uncaring as and power hungry as republicans, but just not as good at campaigning.

In the end, I suppose I have no faith in the average American. Too many smart people approach politics as a team sport, where winning matters, end results don’t.

And lets be honest, the intelligent people are in the minority. The landscape is dominated by the proletariat, who are truly just hassled by democracy. It requires too much thinking, and most would be easily swayed into accepting dictatorship, provided you gave it a nicer name. Like Patriotism.

So the proles will get the status quo and remain stuck with two parties that are rapidly becoming one.

I believe more and more that the best thing to happen for the U.S. will be a 2008 Presidential campaign pitting Condoleeza Rice and Hillary Clinton. Because then viable third, fourth and fifth parties will come into existence over night. It’s a pleasant, unattainable fantasy of mine.

But you just watch, regardless of what happens in the coming months, republicans will continue to dominate the political landscape.

–WKW

After learning that the airline plot in the U.K. was masterminded by British citizens, several radical, fringe, leftist, pinko bloggers horrifyingly detailed their plans to wipe out Britain.

This plan was quickly rejected by the White House, as they are using this failed terrorist attempt as a platform to get what they really want — a Franceless world.

It makes sense in a neo-con kinda way.

So France, thanks for the fries and toast and wine, but there are terrorists in Britain. So you must be heinously punished.

–WKW

Amidst the the global backslapping of a world shocked that their combined intelligence agencies were able to stop a potential terrorist attack that was apparently to be executed by British citizens, a horrible truth came to light, driven home by President George W. Bush.

Because when Bush said that this was a “stark reminder” that the U.S. is “at war with Islamic fascists,” he spoke for the world. And his message was loud and clear.

Britain has got to go.

Hopefully, Israel will handle this problem for the U.S., as this is now their jurisdiction. We have no choice, Britain is now a breeding ground for terrorists.

Also, saliva is no longer allowed aboard commercial airlines. Have a pleasant day.

–WKW

According to CNN:

“Sixty percent of Americans oppose the U.S. war in Iraq, the highest number since polling on the subject began with the commencement of the war in March 2003, according to poll results and trends released Wednesday.”

This comes on the heels of endless conservative commentators telling the world that the political success of Ned Lamont over Joe Lieberman proves once and for all that anyone who disagrees with the Iraq war is dangerous and deluded.

Mary Matalin: “(Lamont’s) radical views are out of touch with his own party.”

Now, frighteningly, the majority of all Americans are out of touch. It’s becoming a nation of radicals, it appears.

–WKW