William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

I’ll be spending the next several hours searching for investors for a new game I’ve devised: “War on Terrorism Mad-Libs.” Now, this will be a simple game, much like the original “Mad-Libs” and much like the U.S. administration’s endlessly trite foreign policy message.

A little example of how it will work. First, we take a snippet of the President’s Radio Message of today:

We are using every element of national power to defeat the terrorists. First, we’re staying on the offense against the terrorists, fighting them overseas so we do not have to face them here at home. Second, we made it clear to all nations, if you harbor terrorists, you’re as guilty as the terrorists, you’re an enemy of the United States, and you will be held to account. And third, we have launched a bold new agenda to defeat the ideology of the enemy by supporting the forces of freedom and moderation in the Middle East and beyond.

A vital part of our strategy to defeat the terrorists is to help establish a democratic Iraq, which will be a beacon of liberty in the region and an ally in the global war on terror. The terrorists understand the threat a democratic Iraq poses to their cause, so they’ve been fighting a bloody campaign of sectarian violence, which they hope will plunge that country into a civil war.

Now, to spice this up, every time Bush mentions “terrorists” or “the enemy” we will substitute the word “masturbators.” Let the good times roll:

We are using every element of national power to defeat the masturbators. First, we’re staying on the offense against the masturbators, fighting them overseas so we do not have to face them here at home. Second, we made it clear to all nations, if you harbor masturbators, you’re as guilty as the masturbators, you’re a masturbator of the United States, and you will be held to account. And third, we have launched a bold new agenda to defeat the ideology of the masturbators by supporting the forces of freedom and moderation in the Middle East and beyond.

A vital part of our strategy to defeat the masturbators is to help establish a democratic Iraq, which will be a beacon of liberty in the region and an ally in the global war on masturbation. The masturbators understand the threat a democratic Iraq poses to their cause, so they’ve been fighting a bloody campaign.

Is that a hoot or what? The beauty is that whatever word you use, it makes equally as much sense as the word “terrorist” or “Islamofoascists” or “This generation’s Hitlers,” etc. Plus, there will be endless new challenges ahead, as President George W. Bush and his henchmen use the term “terrorists” more than 500,000 times per day, by latest report.

In fact, a recent survey has shown that more people have been killed by repeatedly hearing the word “terrorist” than by actual terrorists in the last several years. So keep an eye out for the hot new game “War on Terrorism Mad-Libs.” It’s endless fun and will save lives!*

“War on Terrorism Mad-Libs” is not just a game. Like the President’s message, it rarely makes sense, but is very likely the last hope for civilization:

If we give up the fight in the streets of Baghdad, we will face the masturbators in the streets of our own cities. The security of the civilized world depends on victory in the war on masturbation, and that depends on victory in Iraq, so America will not leave until victory is achieved.

* Life-saving does not apply to those of Middle Eastern descent.

–WKW

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 2nd, 2006 at 2:25 pm and is filed under Politics, satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.