William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Just about everyone was shocked at the sudden death of Australian Steve Irwin, the “Crocodile Hunter” who made it his life’s work to get people to appreciate, and not fear wildlife and nature.

Of course, Fox News, in its zealous fight to find the fear angle of every conceivable story, spoke of Irwin’s death and gave a teaser for an upcoming segment on sting rays:

“Is this another reason for you to be afraid of going to the beach?” said the blonde talking head during “Fox News Live,” not answering the question until well after going to the “Battlelines” segment, where two more talking heads came on and argued whether the U.S. economy was fantastic, or super-fantastic, and whether Democrats are weak on terrorism, or completely impotent at the hands of “Islamofascists.”

But to answer the question: “Is this another reason for you to be afraid of going to the beach?” any sensible people is aware that, unless you suffer from an incomprehensible allergy to sand and seawater, there is no reason whatsoever to be afraid of going to the beach.

“It was extraordinarily bad luck,” Shaun Collin, a University of Queensland marine neuroscientist, told the Washington Post. “It’s not easy to get spined by a stingray, and to be killed by one is very rare.”

And keep in mind, sharks have much more to fear from humans than humans have from sharks.

“We’re killing over 100 million sharks a year,” said George Burgess, director of the Shark Research Center at the University of Florida. “No one wants to get bit, and our thoughts go out to victims of shark attacks — but when you consider that [there have been] only four deaths a year, it’s not a very large number.”

Just some things to keep in mind. Sort of like how you have the same chance of being killed by lightning as by dying in a terrorist attack. Fox News and other media outlets may think fear sells, but in reality, you have much more to fear from a bad diet and lack of exercise than terrorists or stingrays.

Steve Irwin’s life was dedicated to getting people to respect and not fear wildlife. Don’t let the media ruin that message by making you think you should be afraid.

–WKW

I’ll be spending the next several hours searching for investors for a new game I’ve devised: “War on Terrorism Mad-Libs.” Now, this will be a simple game, much like the original “Mad-Libs” and much like the U.S. administration’s endlessly trite foreign policy message.

A little example of how it will work. First, we take a snippet of the President’s Radio Message of today:

We are using every element of national power to defeat the terrorists. First, we’re staying on the offense against the terrorists, fighting them overseas so we do not have to face them here at home. Second, we made it clear to all nations, if you harbor terrorists, you’re as guilty as the terrorists, you’re an enemy of the United States, and you will be held to account. And third, we have launched a bold new agenda to defeat the ideology of the enemy by supporting the forces of freedom and moderation in the Middle East and beyond.

A vital part of our strategy to defeat the terrorists is to help establish a democratic Iraq, which will be a beacon of liberty in the region and an ally in the global war on terror. The terrorists understand the threat a democratic Iraq poses to their cause, so they’ve been fighting a bloody campaign of sectarian violence, which they hope will plunge that country into a civil war.

Now, to spice this up, every time Bush mentions “terrorists” or “the enemy” we will substitute the word “masturbators.” Let the good times roll:

We are using every element of national power to defeat the masturbators. First, we’re staying on the offense against the masturbators, fighting them overseas so we do not have to face them here at home. Second, we made it clear to all nations, if you harbor masturbators, you’re as guilty as the masturbators, you’re a masturbator of the United States, and you will be held to account. And third, we have launched a bold new agenda to defeat the ideology of the masturbators by supporting the forces of freedom and moderation in the Middle East and beyond.

A vital part of our strategy to defeat the masturbators is to help establish a democratic Iraq, which will be a beacon of liberty in the region and an ally in the global war on masturbation. The masturbators understand the threat a democratic Iraq poses to their cause, so they’ve been fighting a bloody campaign.

Is that a hoot or what? The beauty is that whatever word you use, it makes equally as much sense as the word “terrorist” or “Islamofoascists” or “This generation’s Hitlers,” etc. Plus, there will be endless new challenges ahead, as President George W. Bush and his henchmen use the term “terrorists” more than 500,000 times per day, by latest report.

In fact, a recent survey has shown that more people have been killed by repeatedly hearing the word “terrorist” than by actual terrorists in the last several years. So keep an eye out for the hot new game “War on Terrorism Mad-Libs.” It’s endless fun and will save lives!*

“War on Terrorism Mad-Libs” is not just a game. Like the President’s message, it rarely makes sense, but is very likely the last hope for civilization:

If we give up the fight in the streets of Baghdad, we will face the masturbators in the streets of our own cities. The security of the civilized world depends on victory in the war on masturbation, and that depends on victory in Iraq, so America will not leave until victory is achieved.

* Life-saving does not apply to those of Middle Eastern descent.

–WKW

Montana ncumbent U.S. Sen. Conrad Burns locked in an even battle with Democratic challenger Jon Tester, decided to appeal to his base on Friday.

“They are faceless, they drive taxi cabs in the daytime and kill at night. Kill our elderly, our women, our children,” said Burns, to rousing applause.

First Lady Laura Bush was right there, campaigning along with Burns, meaning she agrees: Taxi drivers are our greatest threat.

Burns is apparently following a Republican plan originally divised by Virginia Sen. George Allen, who refers to his opponents as Macacas and other racial slurs, and also receives great applause from the mindless partisan zombies surrounding him.

There has been no comment from the four taxi drivers that serve the entire state of Montana.

–WKW

My Fellow Americans,

When I read the words of a great American, David Warren, it gave me pause for thought. First, I thought, “Wow, Canadia really is one of our best states.” After that, I thought about his words, and his willingness to fight these evil, terrorist killers.

“They made (the video) to show the whole Muslim world, via satellite television, what wimps these Westerners are. That they’ll do anything at all to save their lives, that they don’t think twice about it. That is the substance of most Islamo-fascist propaganda: that the West consists of straw men, of men without chests, of men easily pushed over,” Warren wrote.

I was impressed by this, because that’s a lot of words to write all at once. But it made me realize that we can never beat these blasted Islamofascists unless we become men. Unless we act like true Americans. Like John Wayne, or some other dreamy actor. So I have proposed to my advisors a new law, called the Warren Act.

What this law will do is create a new army, full of men like David Warren. What we will do is this, we will take these men, who will be arbitrarily drafted, mind you. 9/11. And then we will fly them to a Middle Eastern country. Doesn’t matter which one, because they’re all filled with baddies. Except Saudi Arabia. They’re a bunch of goodies over there, you know.

Then what we will do, is strap bombs to these mens’ chests, have them get on buses and go into mosques, they’ll scream “Jesus rocks!” and then kaboom, and we killed ourselves a bunch of Islamofascists. This will show the Enemy that we are serious. It’s like if you get sent to prson, right? We gotta start showing them Islamofascists the “crazy eyes.” That’s what they understand.

I am currently working on phase two of the Warren Act, which will consist of sending brave Americans to flight schools to learn how to fly, but not land, huge jumbo jets.

My fellow Americans, 9/11.

And in conclusion, Jesus rocks!

–WKW

From Merriam-Webster:

Unequivocal

Main Entry: un·equiv·o·cal
Function: adjective
1: leaving no doubt : CLEAR, UNAMBIGUOUS
2 : UNQUESTIONABLE

Now, let’s use it in a sentence:

That the U.S. will launch a pre-emptive war against Iran appears to be an unequivocal reality.

–WKW