William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

WASHINGTON — Calling his actions “flighty and liberal to the highest degree,” Karl Rove today lashed out at Jesus Christ, claiming the savior let down the Republican party in the 2006 midterm elections, which saw Democrats take over the House, and very likely the Senate.

“After all we did for him? Who in the hell does he think he is?” a red-faced Rove said, clearly exasperated.

Rove was among many conservatives who believed that the Bush Administration’s extensive kowtowing to evangelicals would put them in a position where the GOP would be able to win every election (outside of Connecticut) with divine help.

Heaven-Bush Administration relations have frayed recently however, culminating when the Rev. Ted Haggard admitted to being a homosexual meth freak after long campaigning against gay rights.

While Heaven has steadfastly refused to comment on the situation, an obviously drunken Jesus couldn’t resist getting a few jabs in at the administration when encountered by the press leaving a bar in West Hollywood.

“The Republicans can blow me,” said Jesus. “Yeah, you heard me, they can bob on my divine rod for all I care. Faith-based initiatives my hairy ass.”

–WKW

Being a big-shot professional writer is everything I ever dreamed it could be and more. I get paid truly insane amounts of money to sit on my ass all day and write things that change how people think and act.

Like, who can ever forget the brilliant blog I recently wrote entitled: “Rev. Ted Haggard loves the cock”? Now there was a groundbreaking piece of work which truly captured the essence of the story - a hypocritical pastor loving cock.

But, there’s so much more to me than writing about cocks and pastors and pastors that love cock. And golf. I am a well-rounded writer always looking for bigger and better challenges. Plus, I care about the little people. Little people like you. Yes, you. People who can’t write well enough to carry my jock. Sure, deep in my heart I feel the same way about you as the average Republican feels about black men, but I feign that I care, because I was once like you - hungry, young and an awful writer.

Many a day I spent at Web sites like Craigslist, finding a few work assignments, but finding even more disappointment. Now, thanks to the magical tubes of the Internet, there’s someone out there who will find those disappointments for you, and slather them with some good, old-fashioned snark.

He’s the Craigslist Curmudgeon, and he is doing the work that needs to be done. He goes the extra mile to find the best of the worst on Craigslist, and then expose them for being the foolish ignoramuses they really are. Take this post about a recent Craigslist ad for someone looking for “minor tragedies of 9/11.” You know, like losing stuff on your computer when the WTC fell:

I rewrote this post at least six times. I’m at a loss, yet have plenty to say, yet can’t quite say it. As a New Yorker who witnessed 9/11, I’m wondering if I should be offended at how someone is choosing to make light of and profit from some of the day’s events. Am I supposed to read this clever little anthology and feel sorry for the driver of the pimped out car or the person who didn’t get to start his job on September 12th? You nailed it on the head. The loss IS petty and thousands of people did die. To look for the ironic and bizarre out of all of this is so incredibly ass, I have to wonder what type of person is looking to capitalize on all of this.

You get ‘em, CC. Head on over to Craigslist Curmudgeon today for more. There’s some funny stuff over there, and the comments are a hoot as well. Plus, it’s good to see someone flip off the jokers who are always looking to use naive, supple, young writers for nothing or next to it.

Now, excuse me as I head back to my dream job as a professional writer who seems much too giggly about sneaking the word “cock” into headlines on his own Web site.

–WKW

In an attempt to prove the theory that people who find soccer boring will still consider it boring even if you throw an aging star in the middle of it, the Los Angeles Galaxy has announced its interest in signing David Beckham, who is currently out-of-favor with Real Madrid in the Spanish League.

“There are thousands of clubs out there that would love to have a player of his calibre,” Galaxy boss Alexi Lalas told the BBC. “And the Los Angeles Galaxy is certainly one of them.”

Madrid has made it clear they are willing to re-sign Beckham, mostly due to his huge popularity throughout Europe and Asia. Beckham, however, is looking to be in Madrid’s starting 11, though that appears increasingly unlikely with the strong play by Spaniard Jose Antonio Reyes.

The odds of Beckham ending up in the U.S. are extremely long, as there has been a bubbling of interest for Beckham to rejoin his countrymen in the English Premiere League. Still, the allure of playing in the heart of the world’s film industry could provide too much temptation for Team Beckham.

One thing can be said for sure: It would be a horrendous move on the part of Major League Soccer, which would be required to pay top dollar to a player well past his prime, with injuries and down time a serious liklihood. It would fill seats for a little while, but within a year, Beckham’s star would cease shining across the U.S.

Destroying the pay structure and focusing on one popular foreign player would be simply ruinous for the MLS.

–WKW

Don’t you just love it when a headline just writes itself? He loves the junk too, while we’re at it.

Think that may be a little harsh? Why not wait for the truth to come out? Nope, not a chance. Screw him. Screw his ilk. He and those like him cast their stones long ago. So now, but one thing is clear:

Ted Haggard is cock-loving meth freak who, according to his demented beliefs in the supernatural, will spend eternity burning in hell.

Not that he cares much, it seems. From Vanity Fair’s James Wolcott:

Haggard, however, might have returned from shooting a round of golf, he was so matter-of-fact. There he was, sitting in the driveway outside his house, seatbelt fastened, admitting to purchasing meth (not a trifling matter for an evangelical leader) and arranging a massage as if shooting the breeze with a neighbor. The genial lack of affect was fascinating. And I presume the woman sitting in the passenger’s seat was his wife–what did she make of all this? Five children, a prominent place in the community, and her husband is copping to buying meth out of curiosity. Once you’re arranging drug buys and massages with male prostitutes, I think we’ve moved beyond the curiosity stage. Today one of the cable news outfits ran an interview with one of Haggard’s closest friends and associates, and if it’s possible to be so gay you don’t even know you’re gay, he would have been people’s exhibit #1. He said Jesus’s name as if it were the most delicious lozenge imaginable.

So remember folks, weird fundamentalist cultists like Haggard, James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, etc., are, more than likely, just a group of cock-loving meth freaks waiting patiently to turn your young children on to cock and dope.

And George W. Bush is funneling them money by the boatload to do it.

Update: Not that you would know that Bush and his “Faith-Based” initiatives are still in operation. Oddly enough, the Faith-Based and Community Initiative pages on the White House Web site can’t be found just now.

–WKW

So you say you got a problem, bub? Can’t stop your lawmakers from chasing after suple, 16-year-old boy pages? Can’t get your spiritual leaders to stop with the speed and gay sex? Can’t stop your congressmen from getting tossed in the can for being thieves? Can’t legislate to save your ass? Think War is a giant game of Risk? And you suck at Risk?

Well, have I got a solution for you.

Fear!

Wall-to-wall, endless Fear!!

Yes, the November surprise appears to be the same surprise U.S. citizens have had to swallow for more than five years now. “Don’t want to vote Republican because we’re destroying every last thing you believe in? Well, that’s fine, but remember one thing:”

Muslims want to kill all of you

–Brought to you by Fox.

Yes, Fox News, in keeping with its stated objective: “If the GOP goes up for war crimes, we’ll be right there with them” has decided to air — FIVE TIMES — between now and the election, an anti-Muslim, propaganda film called “Obsession: The Threat of Radical Islam”. The film spends its time detailing how Muslims are much worse than Nazis and will do anything to enslave the U.S. under sharia law.

Glenn Greenwald summed it up nicely:

This is the poison that the Bush movement has been feeding to this country for five years now, and like all toxins, it has had a devestatingly corrosive effect. Fear (and the desire for destruction which naturally accompanies it) is the only substance that fuels their movement, which is why the likes of Fox News, following in the footsteps of the Leaders whom they serve, have devoted themselves to the only goal they know — flooding the country with as much fear as possible in the hopes that it will save their dying movement from full-scale political collapse. ]

Some day, this film will be an exhibit in a museum, powerfully illustrating what the Bush movement was and how its followers attempted to justify its conduct and keep it in power.

Just a thought, but you know, for Conservatives, the whole “Ohmygawd, terrorists are coming!!” frightfest really nullifies the whole tough talk on every other issue that they do.

But realize that just because Donald Rumsfeld and George W. Bush couldn’t protect you on 9/11, doesn’t mean the world is going to end and we’re in ungodly peril. The U.S. survived Timothy McVeigh and Eric Rudolph. We’ll survive the Islamofascistnazimurders, as well.

So suck it up and stop acting like pansies.

–WKW

Proving without a shadow of a doubt that, when pushed, George W. Bush is better at everything than King Jong il, a new study shows Briton is more terrified of the U.S. President, than the psycho little leader of North Korea. It showed lots of other stuff, also.

From Reuters:

In Britain, which alongside Israel is traditionally a close Washington ally, 69 percent of those questioned said they felt U.S. policy had made the world less safe since 2001.

A majority of Canadians and Mexicans agreed, with 62 percent of those polled in Canada and 57 percent in Mexico saying their neighbor’s policy had made the world more dangerous.

As for Israel, just 25 percent of people asked said Bush had made the world safer, while 36 percent felt he had upped the risk of conflict and a further 30 percent said at best he had made no difference.

In an unscheduled interview during a campaign rally in a phone booth in Pennsylvania, Bush made these off-the-cuff remarks when asked “So, whats up, Bush?”

“I’ll tell you, things are looking up regardless of what those British, Mexican, Israelim Italian, French, Swiss, Australian, Tongan and Canadian pussies have to say about it. Can you say “enemy combatants?”

–WKW

Sometimes, a Web site captures everything worthwhile about a man. Take Rush Limbaugh, for example. A new site dedicated to him, really encapsulates everything worthwhile about the man. So please enjoy:

www.limbaugh.com

–WKW

For so many long and lonely years, the idea of being invisible was but a pipe dream to the majority of perverts. To a small handful, it was a reality, but those were the crazy perverts, and they don’t really count.

Now, however, the impossible may be possible as scientists led by a team at Duke University in North Carolina have demonstrated a technology that could lead them to invisibility. Perverts, dying to walk unnoticed in women’s locker rooms and bathrooms are literally wetting themselves with glee.

From the New York Times:

The system, a set of concentric copper circles on fiberglass board, deflects electromagnetic waves of a specific frequency that strike it, without much of the scattering and absorption that make reflections and shadows.

The result is that the microwaves slide around the structure like water flowing around a smooth rock in a stream, said David Smith, a professor of electrical and computer engineering at Duke and an author of the paper published Friday in the journal Science.

The exact structure of the circles was described in an earlier paper by John Pendry of Imperial College in London, who worked with the Duke group to see his theory etched into a working model by means of the process used to print circuit boards. In the recent paper, researchers said they had successfully cloaked a copper cylinder.

The findings were first revealed in The Sun, a British tabloid. “Boffin Invents Invisibility Cloak,” a headline stated, using the British slang for a research scientist.

Enthusiasts have already suggested that the technology may someday be useful for the military to create objects that are invisible to radar, or to shield objects from cell phone signals. There has even been talk of a real-life version of the invisibility device.

Put your clothes back on for now, however:

But Smith warned against getting ahead of the announcement Friday and envisioning cloaking devices like the ones used by Romulan warbirds of “Star Trek” being on the horizon.

The work “is really a scientific explanation,” he said, adding, “Whether it’s useful is always a question.”

So there you have it. Scientists may have taken a step to make the life of lonely and shy perverts light years better. Sadly, such technology, should it ever reach maturity, will likely only be used to slaughter massive amounts of people.

But the dream remains alive.

–WKW

In a story about a work slowdown by air traffic controllers in Brazil, the Associated Press found an example which shows more about Brazilians then you ever knew.

From the AP:

Most passengers were taking the delays in stride, some of them sleeping in airport lounges as they waited for flights to depart, while others arrived tired at their destinations.

“At least we made it. Things could be worse,” said Maria Aparecida after arriving in Rio de Janeiro from Brasilia with a three-hour delay.

–WKW