The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ: A look back
February 13, 2007 by William K. Wolfrum
VATICAN CITY — It began as these things so often do, at a rally with hundreds of supporters. Balloons fell from the ceiling and banners waved. Those in attendance were true believers – believers that they were supporting the man who would make everything right for the United States of America.
Jesus Christ was running for President.
“I’ve thought a lot about this,” said Christ, in an interview with Dateline. “The political situation in the U.S. has become besmirched, possibly fatally, by scandal and corruption, up to the highest levels. People are hungry for change, and that’s what I intend to bring.”
Aside from Fox News (which focused on a story that John Kerry had once failed to tip a cab driver that was a WWII vet) the news of Christ’s announcement was a political bombshell of the likes unseen in a nation where political bombshells are built and detonated daily. This, however, was the real thing.
“Sure, I feel pressure walking in my father’s footsteps, but that’s a good thing, right?” Jesus told Regis and Kelly. “Perfection just isn’t enough any more. We can do better.”
Named as one of People Magazine’s “50 Sexiest Men,” Christ had the appearance of a can’t-miss candidate – attractive, articulate and charismatic, his flowing robes became a new fashion hit. Even those competing directly against him for the Democratic nomination were forced to admit that Christ was a formidable candidate.
“You know, for a lapsed Jew, he’s quite clean,” said Joe Biden. “You’d expect to catch a whiff of baby on his breath, but, man, I can’t detect anything. He’s a good one.”
But while Democratic followers were enthralled at what they believed had to be a sure Presidential victory, others were looking for weaknesses in Christ’s sturdy armor. It started simply, with a blog by political entertainer Michelle Malkin.
“A lot of people are afraid to talk about Christ, which is understandable yet cowardly,” wrote Malkin in a blog title ‘Who is this Jesus character?’ “I think if you look deeper, you see a frightening man. Are we sure we want a man with a well-chronicled drinking problem to lead this great nation?”
Others quickly followed suit.
“Jesus? I just don’t see it. Do we really want a Jew as President? Maybe Lieberman. But I say, make Jesus eat a pork roast on live TV. We want proof that he’s Christian,” wrote Ann Coulter. “You know that the ‘H’ in his name stands for ‘Hussein,’ right?”
“The man … and I use that term loosely. Have you seen his hair? … The man cavorts with prostitutes and has a group of homeless male “disciples.” No, I’m not saying anything. I’m not. Really. I’m not calling him a homosexual whore-chaser. Don’t get me wrong,” said Rush Limbaugh.
“Time and time again, the Democrats pull out sodomites as candidates. Just one look at Christ and you can see he doesn’t have a care in the world, that he doesn’t need to follow Christian doctrine. You know who else feels that way? Anal-loving fudgepackers. Am I saying we should kill Christ? Of course not. God will tend to his ass-loving judgement,” said Catholic League President Bill Donohue in a heavily fact-checked statement.
“Thes psycho liberals. They prop up a Palestinian. A Palestinian, for God’s sake. I have told you and told you — they want to give this country outright to the terrorists so we can all live under Sharia Law. Well not me. Not now, not ever. Keep this hippie freak Palestine suicide bomber away from the White House or he’ll strap a bomb to his chest and finish the job bin Laden started. Call in now and tell me what you think. Or order a bottle of Echinacea. Just $19.99 a bottle, cures what ails ya,” said radio entertainer Michael Savage.
Eventually, a name stuck – Jesus bin Laden. Even Time Magazine ran the name several times. Fox News took to calling him the “Terrorist Candidate” with his first name pronounced “Hesus,” as in “Hesus, the Pro-immigration candidate.” Republican candidates, smelling blood, went for the kill.
“I was in Vietnam. Where was Jesus? On the sidelines, marching for peace most likely. Peace will get us nowhere in this time of eternal conflict. Like everyone, I support Christ’s earlier work, but I’ve been told I’m anti-Christ now. So be it. Just vote for me,” said GOP hopeful John McCain.
“Sept. 11 changed everything,” said Rudy Giuliani. “I mean, did you see me on Sept. 11? Running around, being supportive, getting TV time. Hugging dusty people. I kicked ass.”
And while few would admit it publicly, support for Jesus began to tumble under the onslaught. As late as August, Jesus received just a 47 percent favorable rating in a poll conducted by TownHall.com.
“He’s a dirty, freedom-hating, uncivilized Muslim who must be murdered,” wrote New Republic Editor Marty Peretz. “That doesn’t mean I think Muslims are dirty and uncivilized and should be killed. I’m just saying …”
There were still more cards to play, however, from both sides. Because while Conservatives attacked Jesus’ statement that “The meek shall inherit the Earth,” as a firm belief in Marxism, and went insane over the Savior’s choice of Al Gore as a running mate, Christ himself was working on a plan, a plan that would either take him all the way to the White House, or send him to the bottom of Washington’s trash heap.
To be continued
Next Week: Jesus Christ comes out as a homosexual, announces plan to end Iraq conflict.