The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ: A look back

February 13, 2007 by  

Jesus - it was a tough campaign

By William K. Wolfrum

VATICAN CITY — It began as these things so often do, at a rally with hundreds of supporters. Balloons fell from the ceiling and banners waved. Those in attendance were true believers – believers that they were supporting the man who would make everything right for the United States of America.

Jesus Christ was running for President.

“I’ve thought a lot about this,” said Christ, in an interview with Dateline. “The political situation in the U.S. has become besmirched, possibly fatally, by scandal and corruption, up to the highest levels. People are hungry for change, and that’s what I intend to bring.”

Aside from Fox News (which focused on a story that John Kerry had once failed to tip a cab driver that was a WWII vet) the news of Christ’s announcement was a political bombshell of the likes unseen in a nation where political bombshells are built and detonated daily. This, however, was the real thing.

“Sure, I feel pressure walking in my father’s footsteps, but that’s a good thing, right?” Jesus told Regis and Kelly. “Perfection just isn’t enough any more. We can do better.”

Named as one of People Magazine’s “50 Sexiest Men,” Christ had the appearance of a can’t-miss candidate – attractive, articulate and charismatic, his flowing robes became a new fashion hit. Even those competing directly against him for the Democratic nomination were forced to admit that Christ was a formidable candidate.

“You know, for a lapsed Jew, he’s quite clean,” said Joe Biden. “You’d expect to catch a whiff of baby on his breath, but, man, I can’t detect anything. He’s a good one.”

But while Democratic followers were enthralled at what they believed had to be a sure Presidential victory, others were looking for weaknesses in Christ’s sturdy armor. It started simply, with a blog by political entertainer Michelle Malkin.

“A lot of people are afraid to talk about Christ, which is understandable yet cowardly,” wrote Malkin in a blog title ‘Who is this Jesus character?’ “I think if you look deeper, you see a frightening man. Are we sure we want a man with a well-chronicled drinking problem to lead this great nation?”

Others quickly followed suit.

“Jesus? I just don’t see it. Do we really want a Jew as President? Maybe Lieberman. But I say, make Jesus eat a pork roast on live TV. We want proof that he’s Christian,” wrote Ann Coulter. “You know that the ‘H’ in his name stands for ‘Hussein,’ right?”

“The man … and I use that term loosely. Have you seen his hair? … The man cavorts with prostitutes and has a group of homeless male “disciples.” No, I’m not saying anything. I’m not. Really. I’m not calling him a homosexual whore-chaser. Don’t get me wrong,” said Rush Limbaugh.

“Time and time again, the Democrats pull out sodomites as candidates. Just one look at Christ and you can see he doesn’t have a care in the world, that he doesn’t need to follow Christian doctrine. You know who else feels that way? Anal-loving fudgepackers. Am I saying we should kill Christ? Of course not. God will tend to his ass-loving judgement,” said Catholic League President Bill Donohue in a heavily fact-checked statement.

“Thes psycho liberals. They prop up a Palestinian. A Palestinian, for God’s sake. I have told you and told you — they want to give this country outright to the terrorists so we can all live under Sharia Law. Well not me. Not now, not ever. Keep this hippie freak Palestine suicide bomber away from the White House or he’ll strap a bomb to his chest and finish the job bin Laden started. Call in now and tell me what you think. Or order a bottle of Echinacea. Just $19.99 a bottle, cures what ails ya,” said radio entertainer Michael Savage.

Eventually, a name stuck – Jesus bin Laden. Even Time Magazine ran the name several times. Fox News took to calling him the “Terrorist Candidate” with his first name pronounced “Hesus,” as in “Hesus, the Pro-immigration candidate.” Republican candidates, smelling blood, went for the kill.

“I was in Vietnam. Where was Jesus? On the sidelines, marching for peace most likely. Peace will get us nowhere in this time of eternal conflict. Like everyone, I support Christ’s earlier work, but I’ve been told I’m anti-Christ now. So be it. Just vote for me,” said GOP hopeful John McCain.

“Sept. 11 changed everything,” said Rudy Giuliani. “I mean, did you see me on Sept. 11? Running around, being supportive, getting TV time. Hugging dusty people. I kicked ass.”

And while few would admit it publicly, support for Jesus began to tumble under the onslaught. As late as August, Jesus received just a 47 percent favorable rating in a poll conducted by

“He’s a dirty, freedom-hating, uncivilized Muslim who must be murdered,” wrote New Republic Editor Marty Peretz. “That doesn’t mean I think Muslims are dirty and uncivilized and should be killed. I’m just saying …”

There were still more cards to play, however, from both sides. Because while Conservatives attacked Jesus’ statement that “The meek shall inherit the Earth,” as a firm belief in Marxism, and went insane over the Savior’s choice of Al Gore as a running mate, Christ himself was working on a plan, a plan that would either take him all the way to the White House, or send him to the bottom of Washington’s trash heap.

To be continued

Next Week: Jesus Christ comes out as a homosexual, announces plan to end Iraq conflict.



26 Responses to “The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ: A look back”

  1. opit on February 13th, 2007 12:07 pm

    You’re slayin’ me here ! Guess you didn’t go to the movies lately to catch up on the ploy where J C and Mary Magdalene were tight and had carpet commandos.
    Then, I can be lowbrow : until it slowed up at the end, I thought the movie “Dogma” was rather fun ( tolerable, not good ).
    I was picking up comments where you mentioned cheating on the weed. Huh. I quit “cold turkey” for seven years : then figured I was hooked for life after more years of puffery ( and coughing ).
    As it happened, my best friend dragged me off to Laser Acupuncture Smoking Cessation Therapy.
    That was two years ago. Neither one of us gives a shit if we never so much as see another cigarette ! Just sayin’.

  2. Blue Gal on February 13th, 2007 3:19 pm

    Fabulous. You really are an artist.

  3. Aunty Ism on February 14th, 2007 6:13 am

    Oh, Jeebus, that was a laugh. Thanks for that. I hope it’s ok with you if I pass this one forward (with links to this page, of course).

  4. William K. Wolfrum on February 14th, 2007 6:46 am

    Thank you, guys, I really appreciate the kind words. And any forward passing is always appreciated, Auntie ;)


  5. fedupwithhypocrisy on February 14th, 2007 9:21 am

    It must kill the aforementioned “Christians” that Jesus was a Jew, and wouldn’t be ‘born again’ if he were born again.

    Your writing is dead-on and deadly funny.

  6. vikkitikkitavi on February 14th, 2007 9:38 am

    Awesome. Linking!

  7. daganium on February 14th, 2007 9:49 am

    Pretty funny.

    Even a Christian (ie, the real kind; not the George W. Bush kind or the fat, psycho Catholic kind) would find it funny.

    The missing ingredient, however, was Dobson’s & Pat Robertson’s take. There are 1,000 possibilites with that one, and they are all funny.

    Plus who would Jesus prefer as the press dinner comedian? Rich Little or Steven Colbert?

  8. PBI on February 14th, 2007 10:28 am

    In a string of outstanding mock-quotes, I think my favorites are McCain’s “but I’ve been told I’m anti-Christ now,” and Giuliani’s “I mean, did you see me on Sept. 11? Running around, being supportive, getting TV time. Hugging dusty people. I kicked ass.”

    Excellent, excellent, excellent!

  9. PeeJay on February 14th, 2007 12:42 pm

    You slay me! Love love love it.

    When did the Judean People’s Front for Truth publish their fact-filled expose which documented how Jesus’ made a deal with Satan in the desert?

  10. right on! on February 14th, 2007 1:43 pm

    One thousand thank-yous for the laughs and for the seriousness underlying it all.

    What a treat!

  11. expatbrian on February 14th, 2007 3:38 pm

    This is one of the most unique, entertaining posts I have seen in a long time. Just excellent. Keep it up.

  12. William K. Wolfrum on February 14th, 2007 4:06 pm

    It truly pleases me that blasphemy can be so well received. ;)

    In all serious, thanks for the kind words, folks. C’mon back now, ya hear?


  13. Michael on February 14th, 2007 8:02 pm

    I bow to your awesome wit.

  14. cwazycajun on February 15th, 2007 6:22 am

    ted haggart says: jesus says he loves the little childern mabey just a little too much im just saying…………..hey give me back my meth u dirty dirty man you wink wink

  15. The Crapture on February 15th, 2007 10:18 am

    Wow, that totally killed me, thank you.

  16. georgine on February 15th, 2007 1:23 pm

    Too wonderful, too true. There will be a follow up…please please please!

    Oh I know just exactly who to forward this to! LOL

  17. Michael Jaquish on February 16th, 2007 11:18 am

    Very creative and amusing slant on the Kerry situation. I couldn’t help but ponder however, how quickly the author would have to go into hiding after he were placed on an Islamic death list if he had chosen to write about Mohammed instead of Jesus.

  18. Greg Forest on April 8th, 2007 10:04 am

    Best laugh I’ve had in awhile. Mary Magdeline will make a great First Lady, unless she comes out.

  19. Michael on April 27th, 2007 2:28 pm

    Atheism has no origin.
    Satan is it’s author
    The absence of any known author is a highly strange ,and unearthly phenomena.

  20. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Impeach Bush and Cheney or nuns will whack the crap out of you with rulers on September 4th, 2007 11:00 am

    [...] Soon we’ll be hearing about the secret dark side of these nuns, mark my words. Republican apologists would swiftboat Jesus himself if need be. [...]

  21. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » For America, the stakes couldn’t be … uh, hold on, I have to take this call on September 27th, 2007 5:30 am

    [...] Honey! How are you? I miss you, too. Yes I love you very much. Ooh yes I do. I’m just a little busy right now with a blog post. Is everything ok? Great? What? Yeah, maybe they think I’m a little radical, but, hey, I’m the guy who wrote “The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ: A look back,” right? Remember that? How brave I was? Yeah, I am something, aren’t I? Ok, I have to run. I’m writing a blog post, remember? Yes, I love you. Oooh yes I do. Vewwy much. I’ll see you tonight. Be safe. [...]

  22. Time and Attendance on March 26th, 2008 10:33 am

    Very funny stuff. Keep it coming!

  23. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform on September 8th, 2008 5:08 am

    [...] When pressed for details, Christ said he wasn’t allowed to reveal anything about the upcoming tome due to a contractual commitment with But Christ did allow for one tidbit to be released – what the “H” stood for in “Jesus H. Christ.” [...]

  24. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Who the hell is William K. Wolfrum? on September 18th, 2008 11:04 am

    [...] The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ [...]

  25. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Some oldies but goodies on October 29th, 2008 3:58 pm

    [...] The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ: A look back … Named as one of People Magazine’s “50 Sexiest Men,” Christ had the appearance of a can’t-miss candidate – attractive, articulate and charismatic, his flowing robes became a new fashion hit. Even those competing directly against him for the Democratic nomination were forced to admit that Christ was a formidable candidate. [...]

  26. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » These are a few of my favorite satirical things on March 29th, 2009 12:52 pm

    [...] The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ: A look back [...]

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