William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Turducken is just plain funny. Even more so when covered with bacon.

–WKW

I never get tired of mentioning that for a brief while I knew a young Shane Mosley. I tried boxing when I was 16, and his father Jack was my trainer. And while my time in boxing were short and haphazard at best, I still vividly remember Shane, a great, charismatic kid with wonderful athletic and boxing abilities.

That he’s been a true sportsman his whole career has been a wonderful, though expected turn of events. He was a good kid who turned into a class adult. And at 35, after a pro career that includes a dominant reign as lightweight champ and two victories over Oscar De La Hoya, Mosley still has plenty left in the tank.

Mosley easily outpointed a young and tough Luis Collazo over the weekend, looking sharp and in control. It appears quite possible that Mosley’s move to welterweight was the perfect decision, as he was loose and effective all night in earning a unanimous decision.

The win once again opens the door for some big fights and big paydays for Sugar Shane, who is deserving of all the riches he’s acquired in the game. He has been a credit to his sport.

–WKW

By William K. Wolfrum
Williamkwolfrum.com

VATICAN CITY — It began as these things so often do, at a rally with hundreds of supporters. Balloons fell from the ceiling and banners waved. Those in attendance were true believers - believers that they were supporting the man who would make everything right for the United States of America.

Jesus Christ was running for President.

“I’ve thought a lot about this,” said Christ, in an interview with Dateline. “The political situation in the U.S. has become besmirched, possibly fatally, by scandal and corruption, up to the highest levels. People are hungry for change, and that’s what I intend to bring.”

Aside from Fox News (which focused on a story that John Kerry had once failed to tip a cab driver that was a WWII vet) the news of Christ’s announcement was a political bombshell of the likes unseen in a nation where political bombshells are built and detonated daily. This, however, was the real thing.

“Sure, I feel pressure walking in my father’s footsteps, but that’s a good thing, right?” Jesus told Regis and Kelly. “Perfection just isn’t enough any more. We can do better.”

Named as one of People Magazine’s “50 Sexiest Men,” Christ had the appearance of a can’t-miss candidate - attractive, articulate and charismatic, his flowing robes became a new fashion hit. Even those competing directly against him for the Democratic nomination were forced to admit that Christ was a formidable candidate.

“You know, for a lapsed Jew, he’s quite clean,” said Joe Biden. “You’d expect to catch a whiff of baby on his breath, but, man, I can’t detect anything. He’s a good one.”

But while Democratic followers were enthralled at what they believed had to be a sure Presidential victory, others were looking for weaknesses in Christ’s sturdy armor. It started simply, with a blog by political entertainer Michelle Malkin.

“A lot of people are afraid to talk about Christ, which is understandable yet cowardly,” wrote Malkin in a blog title ‘Who is this Jesus character?’ “I think if you look deeper, you see a frightening man. Are we sure we want a man with a well-chronicled drinking problem to lead this great nation?”

Others quickly followed suit.

“Jesus? I just don’t see it. Do we really want a Jew as President? Maybe Lieberman. But I say, make Jesus eat a pork roast on live TV. We want proof that he’s Christian,” wrote Ann Coulter. “You know that the ‘H’ in his name stands for ‘Hussein,’ right?”

“The man … and I use that term loosely. Have you seen his hair? … The man cavorts with prostitutes and has a group of homeless male “disciples.” No, I’m not saying anything. I’m not. Really. I’m not calling him a homosexual whore-chaser. Don’t get me wrong,” said Rush Limbaugh.

“Time and time again, the Democrats pull out sodomites as candidates. Just one look at Christ and you can see he doesn’t have a care in the world, that he doesn’t need to follow Christian doctrine. You know who else feels that way? Anal-loving fudgepackers. Am I saying we should kill Christ? Of course not. God will tend to his ass-loving judgement,” said Catholic League President Bill Donohue in a heavily fact-checked statement.

“Thes psycho liberals. They prop up a Palestinian. A Palestinian, for God’s sake. I have told you and told you — they want to give this country outright to the terrorists so we can all live under Sharia Law. Well not me. Not now, not ever. Keep this hippie freak Palestine suicide bomber away from the White House or he’ll strap a bomb to his chest and finish the job bin Laden started. Call in now and tell me what you think. Or order a bottle of Echinacea. Just $19.99 a bottle, cures what ails ya,” said radio entertainer Michael Savage.

Eventually, a name stuck - Jesus bin Laden. Even Time Magazine ran the name several times. Fox News took to calling him the “Terrorist Candidate” with his first name pronounced “Hesus,” as in “Hesus, the Pro-immigration candidate.” Republican candidates, smelling blood, went for the kill.

“I was in Vietnam. Where was Jesus? On the sidelines, marching for peace most likely. Peace will get us nowhere in this time of eternal conflict. Like everyone, I support Christ’s earlier work, but I’ve been told I’m anti-Christ now. So be it. Just vote for me,” said GOP hopeful John McCain.

“Sept. 11 changed everything,” said Rudy Giuliani. “I mean, did you see me on Sept. 11? Running around, being supportive, getting TV time. Hugging dusty people. I kicked ass.”

And while few would admit it publicly, support for Jesus began to tumble under the onslaught. As late as August, Jesus received just a 47 percent favorable rating in a poll conducted by TownHall.com.

“He’s a dirty, freedom-hating, uncivilized Muslim who must be murdered,” wrote New Republic Editor Marty Peretz. “That doesn’t mean I think Muslims are dirty and uncivilized and should be killed. I’m just saying …”

There were still more cards to play, however, from both sides. Because while Conservatives attacked Jesus’ statement that “The meek shall inherit the Earth,” as a firm belief in Marxism, and went insane over the Savior’s choice of Al Gore as a running mate, Christ himself was working on a plan, a plan that would either take him all the way to the White House, or send him to the bottom of Washington’s trash heap.

To be continued

Next Week: Jesus Christ comes out as a homosexual, announces plan to end Iraq conflict.

–WKW

This broke about a year ago, but with shocking events happening by the moment, it may have slipped by, and could use another look. After all, if you’re American, it is your money.

Seems the PNAC crowd, in its efforts to bring democracy to the region, figured that democracy would really flourish with a $592-million embassy stuck in Baghdad.

In the chaos of Iraq, one project is on target: a giant US embassy

THE question puzzles and enrages a city: how is it that the Americans cannot keep the electricity running in Baghdad for more than a couple of hours a day, yet still manage to build themselves the biggest embassy on Earth?

Irritation grows as residents deprived of air-conditioning and running water three years after the US-led invasion watch the massive US Embassy they call “George W’s palace” rising from the banks of the Tigris.

In the pavement cafés, people moan that the structure is bigger than anything Saddam Hussein built. They are not impressed by the architects’ claims that the diplomatic outpost will be visible from space and cover an area that is larger than the Vatican city and big enough to accommodate four Millennium Domes. They are more interested in knowing whether the US State Department paid for the prime real estate or simply took it.

It’s a huge complex, six times bigger than the U.N. compound in New York. And like most U.S. operations, it’s cloaked in secrecy. However, insiders, outsiders, and even those in medically induced comas can agree - it’ll come in really handy when the U.S. attacks Iran.

–WKW

As you sit back and wonder why “moderate” Muslims aren’t doing more to contain “extremist” Muslims, lets us ask - Why aren’t you doing more to stop extremists Christians?

Here’s a public service message from the Westboro Baptist Church led by Fred Phelps, praising how IEDs kill Americans. Phelps and his band of lost souls, you see, believes there’s a huge, omnipotent God up there somewhere, and that this God is only concerned about sodomy. And that U.S. Troops killed or maimed by improvised Exploding Devices (IEDs) are just suffering God’s wrath because homosexuals are allowed to live in the U.S.

“It’s a grotesque sin against God to not be thankful for IEDs. I’m so happy about those IEDs it makes me jump up and down with glee. To mock the Jarheads, I say “Hoo Haw!” Thank God for IEDs.”

–WKW

As you sit back this week and cozy up to even more news on Anna Nicole Smith’s death, keep in mind a few things:

1) Smith’s condition has stabilized.

2) There will be plenty more dead people in Iraq this week, including U.S. soldiers, some of whom you may actually have known.

3) Fox News will spend almost time discussing those that die this week, as they never had reality shows, or sucked off 90 year olds for an inheritance.

4) The dead don’t care how or how often they’re talked about. The attention given or not given to the dead, however, is a good way to judge the living.

–WKW

It’s cute when the fringe get some air time and start telling people how they really feel. And make themselves more fringe in the meantime. Take Bill Donohue, the Catholic League’s lead stooge. You have to wonder if Donohue understands that comments like this make the average person what type of weird faerie it is he worships.

From Donahue, via Digby’s Hullabaloo:

“Just imagine if a white guy is performing oral sex on a statue of Martin Luther King with an erection. Do you need to see it to know it’s ugly?” and “Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. It’s not a secret, okay? And I’m not afraid to say it. … Hollywood likes anal sex. “

Well, so do Catholic priests, but they’re better about paying off those whose asses and psyches they ruin. But really, for the most part, the non-fringe amongst us don’t mind much if someone wants to have hot, interracial sex with an inanimate object. It’s when you start fucking alter boys that the problems start.

–WKW

Life’s far too short to not get whipped cream.

–WKW

Just in case a U.S. politician was considering hiring me to blog for their campaign, I thought now would be a good time to destroy any chance of that happening.

Ahem.

Dear politicians of America, as well as the Catholic League - fuck yourselves.

There. I think that should do it.

–WKW

If you’ve been a sportswriter long enough, you start seeing things repeat themselves. This occurred to me while reading a column by LZ Granderson about former NBA player John Amaechi who has come out as a homosexual. Granderson, a straight black man, was unimpressed at Amaechi’s decision to go public.

“I am friends with gay, former pro athletes and look forward to reading Amaechi’s book (to be published by ESPN Books). But I can’t help but wonder: When will somebody simply man up? That is, come out while he is still playing and finally demystify this whole gay athlete thing once and for all,” wrote Granderson.

Granderson’s opinions made me look back through my files, where I stumbled across a story I did on Jackie Robinson back in the 1940s. Here’s a snippet.

I am so over black people. Seriously, I’m tired of hearing about Jackie Robinson’s blackness. I mean, I, a white sportswriter, don’t mind that Robinson is black, and don’t see what the big deal is. Dude was born like that, after all. He’s had a lifetime of being black. So, seriously, who cares.

I mean, we all hear of lynchings, even today. But this is baseball we’re talking about. Robinson is playing a spot surrounded by a bunch of open-minded who would go to the wall to protect him. At least that’s what I think.

Jackie Robinson a hero for breaking baseball’s color barrier? Please. Let him have the courage to go sit down in a nice restaurant in Mobile, Alabama. That would be real courage. That would impress me.

When I read Granderson or David Steele from the Baltimore Sun and see them calling for homosexual athletes to come out while still playing, it makes me realize that the time has long passed for gay men to come out, regardless of consequences.

Because seriously, what’s the big deal? It’s not like people get murdered for being homosexual, or anything. Hell, do they even lose endorsement deals?

So, if there’s a homosexual athlete out there right now, show some balls. Come out of the closet. The locker rooms of professional sports are by far the most open place for a gay man to come out. Stop acting like it’s such a chore.

Suck it up guys. Impress these sportswriters. If you’re a gay athlete, be bold and come out. Just because your life will be at risk and you’ll have to endure a lifetime of being called a “faggot” and worse while you play your sport should be no big deal. Sure, I’m a straight white guy, but I’m pretty much sure I could handle it. I think. So why can’t they?

It’s time for a homosexual athlete to put it all on the line. Because while like Granderson and Steele, I’m not homosexual and really have no idea of the persecution that homosexuals endure, but I’m open-minded, so obviously everyone in the nation is. Right? And really, show me a less homophobic place than a locker room full of 25-year-old straight athletes.

So, gay athletes, come out. Impress me. However, as the amazingly and sincerely well-educated non-homophobe Tracy McGrady tells Granderson “just don’t try anything on me.”

–WKW

I spent a good chunk of my twenties as a commercial fisherman in Alaska. It’s one of those things that appears fantastic in hindsight - steaming out of Dutch Harbor, wind blowing through my hair, muscles rippling, etc.

In reality, of course, it was a hellish collection of freezing 18-hour work days, surrounded by fish. Overall, an interesting thing to have in your past. At the time, though, it more or less sucked.

One thing those days taught me is that when scientists claim that the world could be out of fish in 40 years, they aren’t just hysterical eco-bedwetters. Even then, more than a decade ago, one was told about the decline of fish in the Bering Sea. And one could see how man abused the sea.

I particularly remember my first trip. Three months on a trawler, which was three months too many. We’d send a huge net down deep in the ocean and scoop up everything available. We fished mainly for mackerel, but the seasons were limited. On the day that mackerel season closed, we went in search of Pacific Ocean Perch (POP).

POP is a red fish, very easy to differentiate from mackerel. The first time we dropped the net for the start of POP season, we pulled up a full net of fish. Full of mackerel. As mackerel season had been closed, we weren’t allowed to keep any of them.

It took us just two hours to process the net of fish that day, as we sent 20,000 pounds of dead mackerel back into the ocean. The boat was filled with depressed young fishermen, wondering what the hell they were doing out there. It was an extremely sad day.

I was thinking about those days recently, more to the point, thinking of the Japanese guys I worked with out there on longliners (after my trawler experience, I worked the rest of my time out there on longliners, which are much less wasteful). You see, a Japanese company owned 49 percent (the most allowed) of our company, and always had several workers on board.

I was thinking of Nakasuka, in particular. He was a hardworking guy, who was as old then as I am now, about 40. While not a big fan of Americans in particular, Nakasuka (Suka, for short) would take a liking to anyone, provided they worked hard enough. We worked together for the better part of three years, and got along well, despite not understanding each other’s language.

What struck me as I thought about Suka was this - he’s out there. Right now. Because that’s what he is - a fisherman.

It was part of the reason the Japanese we worked with tended to dislike Americans. Because while the trite phrase of “They hate us for our freedoms” is a load of crap when discussing terrorists, it was partly true on a fishing boat. The Americans there were destined to leave the boat to try other things. The Japanese were fisherman for life.

The translator on board (we had a total crew of less than 40, and the translator also was a worker) told me once that for these Japanese men, being a fisherman was honorable. The culture itself was one that mainly cared about money - the only way for you to be successful was to make a lot of it. But fisherman were respected, even though they weren’t rich. They brought home the food.

But they were definitely jealous. We could come and go as we pleased, but their lives were mapped out, and had been for a long time.

Even then I knew I eventually wanted to be a writer or a journalist at some point, and I sit here now with those things as my job description. While Nakasuka is floating on the Bering Sea, still.

Because Americans are free. In our culture, we still make our own paths, rather than having them built for us, as Suka had. Since then, however, Japanese culture has changed somewhat dramatically. The young have more choices and opportunity. Suka missed out on that, but his children likely haven’t.

Because cultures change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. What’s important for Americans, however, is to hold on to the one thing that we always hearken to - freedom. But as U.S. culture changes, and freedom becomes more and more attached to wealth, and freedoms become under appreciated, we need to fight to keep our rights as free men.

Was my time as a fisherman a wasted time of a wasted youth? To a point. But it was my choice, my decision, my experience. The pain and the cold and the wet have slowly left my mind, but the memories and lessons remain.

The main lesson was that I’ve been free to do whatever I’ve wanted, just about anywhere I wanted. That was the blessing, and I can only hope that future U.S. generations have the same freedom to have interesting experiences, or even make outlandish mistakes. Because cultures change. And not always for the better.

–WKW

After years of being battered into submission, these days the cowards that make up the KKK are finding the U.S. to be the type of place where they can spread their wings and prosper.

Klan growing, fed by anti-immigrant feelings, report says

The Ku Klux Klan has rebounded by exploiting current hot-button issues, especially immigration, according to a new report released by the Anti-Defamation League.

The Klan, and other white supremacist groups like skinheads and neo-Nazis, grew significantly more active in the past year, holding more rallies, distributing leaflets and increasing their presence on the Internet — much of it focused on stirring anti-immigrant sentiment, according to the report.

The United States: Proudly working to have it’s citizens living in caves and throwing feces at one another. Now let’s all sit back and chuckle as Rush Limbaugh calls the NFL a bunch of gangbangers. Oh, that Rush.

–WKW

It was actually somewhat surprising to see Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke comment on growing wealth inequality in the U.S. For this administration and those employed by it, it is a rare moment when they admit to anything being wrong about anything.

Bernanke: Education narrows income gap

Bolstering education and training — rather than erecting trade barriers — would help narrow the economic gap between low- and high-income workers, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Tuesday.

In his most extensive remarks to date on economic inequality, Bernanke also issued a fresh warning for the United States to steer away from policies that seek to erect protectionist barriers to trade and investment opportunities or to stifle the economy’s flexibility. Such a course, he cautioned, “would do far more harm than good.”

His remarks come as Democrats, who have sought to portray the Bush administration’s economic and tax policies as mainly benefiting the wealthy, have made it a priority to take steps to alleviate widening economic inequality in the United States.

President Bush, in recent speeches, has tried to calm angst among those who worry about their job and economic security in a constantly changing economy.

Bernanke, in remarks delivered to the Omaha Chamber of Commerce, said disparities in education and training is “likely the single greatest source of the long-term increase in inequality.”

Better education and training mean better wealth distribution, better lives for many and a better economy? Sounds great. So what does President Bush think about that?

Bush budget plans cuts to education, other grants

The Bush administration on Monday sought a cut of $4.9 billion, or 8 percent, in education, training, employment and social services grants but estimated that overall outlays to state and local governments would rise slightly.

The Bush Administration: Looking everywhere for answers, then ignoring them and firing the messenger. The PNAC crowd stays on message, as always: imperialism + fuck the poor = brilliant leadership. If it works in Risk, it must work in real life.

–WKW

While quitting drinking was one of the top moves of my life, it really appears I didn’t get as much out of my days as a boozer as I could have. Because, you see, in today’s world, being a drunk means everything is just fine. Every act, no matter how heinous or creepy, can now be written off with some counseling, which, lo and behold, immediately takes care of the problem.

The latest in this band of idiots who have their PR people blaming the bottle is San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, who announced he will undergo and seek counseling for alcohol abuse, after being caught having an affair with his campaign manager’s wife.

Notice how the creepy and the press love using terms like “seek” and “undergo” when discussing alcohol problems. As though they are on a solemn quest. Just once I’d like to hear a politician say he needs to “dry out” after getting caught doing something illegal or immoral.

So, it appears that booze makes you bang your pal’s wife. What else does it do?

So remember, PR people: Blame everything on booze. Your client just get busted for raping antelope? Does he have the occasional glass of wine? Send him to rehab. Within two weeks he’ll be sober, cured, and a better all-around person.

As Homer Simpson so eloquently put: Alcohol - the cause of, and answer to, all of life’s problems.

–WKW

I suppose the idea here is that if you’ve failed to teach your daughter to respect her body, then it’s better to parade her around the room and make her pinkie swear to not fuck.

Would you pledge your virginity to your father?

The event’s purpose is, in part, to celebrate dad-daughter bonding, but the main agenda is for fathers to vow to protect the girls’ chastity until they marry and for the daughters to promise to stay pure. Pastor Randy Wilson, host of the event and cofounder of the ball, strides to the front of the room, takes the microphone and asks the men, “Are you ready to war for your daughters’ purity?”

Seriously, these people are willing to go to war against anything. Our thoughts go out to all those future husbands who will have wives that are frigid, horrified of sex, or just want to make it with their dads.

Of course, if this doesn’t work, there are always chastity belts, or genital mutilation. This is war, after all.

–WKW