GOP finds a true ‘Reagan Republican’ candidate – Ronald Reagan

March 26, 2007 by  

By William K. Wolfrum

Special to

WASHINGTON — In a shocking political maneuver bound to send shock waves through Washington, the estate of Ronald Reagan has announced that the corpse of Reagan will be throwing its hat in the ring for a full-fledged run for the GOP nomination for the 2008 U.S. Presidential election.

“When we say ‘throwing his hat in the ring’ we mean that figuratively, of course,” said Reagan campaign manager William Casey, who himself died in 1986. “No one can fit in Regan’s shoes, not even Ronnie, because of decay, but he really comes the closest.”

With a weak field of conservative hopefuls lining up for the GOP nomination, and pundits lamenting the lack of a “true Reagan Republican,” many have come out to support the Reagan campaign.

“You need to accept the fact that it’s a lackluster field out there,” said Reagan adviser John Sears. “We have very little doubt that a dead Ronald Reagan will literally destroy anyone the Democrats can throw at us. Ronnie vs. Hillary? Forget about it.”

The move apparently took many Democrats by surprise, and leaders seemed unwilling to say anything bad about the man so many refer to as “St. Ronnie.”

“Ronald Reagan was a great American,” said Sen. John Kerry. “Is America ready for a 96-year-old President that will have been dead for more than four years? We’ll have to let the voters decide.

“And when I say ‘was a great American,’ I believe I mean ‘is a great American,’ ” added Kerry. “I’m really going to have to research this some before I comment more.”

Some democrats have openly supported a Reagan run.

“In a time when America is too weak to fight in a never-ending war, Reagan is a man who could lead us,” said Sen. Joe Lieberman. “I’d vote for him, or pretty much anyone my party, I mean the GOP, nominates.”

For their part, Conservative pundits have been unequivocal in their support for the former President.

“Honestly, he doesn’t look a day over six months dead,” said Michelle Malkin. “A man with the testosterone Reagan packed is still incredibly potent up to 10 years after his death, and that’s a scientific fact.”

Sears pointed out that while many point to Reagan’s fight with Alzheimer’s Disease as a possible stumbling point for the campaign, he pointed out that the Reagan’s illness has now been in remission for nearly two years.

“Indeed,” said Instapundit’s Glenn Reynolds.

Indeed many are excited about the possibility of the U.S. re-entering a “feel-good” era of economic development.

“Reaganomics actually makes a lot more sense with the great man being dead,” said Alan Greenspan, who, appearances aside, maintains life.

Reagan’s biggest fan, radio entertainer Rush Limbaugh said he will devote as much time as possible between trips to the Dominican Republic to stump for Reagan.

“This man single-handedly destroyed communism,” said Limbaugh on his radio show. “If he’s maintained any physical integrity at all – say, he still has an arm attached – this is a no-brainer. The terrorists have to be shaking in their shoes now.”

Regardless of the early support, a long campaign likely is going to cost the Reagan campaign much more than his rivals, as refrigeration costs will likely be massive, though reports have trickled in that the Reagan campaign has already received millions of dollars in campaign donations from religious right organizations.

“Who better to campaign for pro-life causes than a dead man,” said anti-abortion spokesperson Shelley Shannon. “He truly understands the issue on a level few can.”

Time will tell whether this new Reagan era will explode as the previous one did, but Sears made it clear, his man has shaken off the cobwebs and maggots, and is ready for a tough campaign.

“Oh, it’ll be hard, we understand that,” said Sears. “But look at all the supporters John McCain has, even though it’s obvious he passed away sometime during the 2000 Presidential campaign.

“People are saying the Republican party is dead, and we want to look the American people straight in the eye and say ‘Exactly. Vote Reagan,’” added Sears.



6 Responses to “GOP finds a true ‘Reagan Republican’ candidate – Ronald Reagan”

  1. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Ronald Reagan’s legacy of keeping public terrified lives on on June 6th, 2007 9:52 am

    [...] While conservatives continue to pine for a day when Ronald Reagan’s ridiculous budget deficit and illegal doings were far more classy and American than George W. Bush’s ridiculous budget deficit and illegal doings, it’s important to note that the modern conservative movement has done a masterful job emulating one of St. Ronnie’s main skills – keeping the public terrified. [...]

  2. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Coming Soon: “Fear Strikes Out!” on May 28th, 2008 8:36 am

    [...] With a special cameo by the rotting corpse of Ronald Reagan: [...]

  3. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Ronald Reagan: The worst President in United States history on October 6th, 2008 11:35 am

    [...] You’re aware that this is all Ronald Reagan’s fault, don’t you? It’s as simple as that. The ball that is now rolling over world economies was given it’s first push by the 40th President of the U.S. And because of that, it’s very safe to make this claim: Ronald Reagan was the worst President in U.S. history. [...]

  4. mago961 on November 17th, 2008 2:13 pm

    Reagan is “DEAD” and so is the “GOP” The american people have finally awakened…

  5. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “GOP must look forward and follow the Conservative lessons of Thag” on May 19th, 2009 10:42 am

    [...] So let us all now look forward. Forward to a half-million years ago. Forward to a time when Thag and Ronald Reagan walked this earth and held strong to conservative principles. As Thag himself said, “Bwarrraarghhh!!!” His were grunts and screams we could believe in, and by following these guttural sounds, as well as his conservative beliefs, we can take the Republican Party to its ultimate destination – in a museum where it can be studied by scientists. [...]

  6. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » QOTD: Ronald Reagan - liberal warrior on October 27th, 2009 11:17 am

    [...] To hear many Republicans tell it, the ir party hasn’t nominated an actual conservative for president since Ronald Reagan 25 years ago. Apparently, no real-life leader can live up to the model of perfection that the conservatives demand. [...]

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