William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Dear God/Jesus/Allah/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy/etc.,

Hey guys, Bill here. I know I spend most my time denying your existence and all, but, like many atheists, I come running to you when I need some help.

So here’s what I was thinking. The U.S. is currently being run by people completely out of touch with the population and reality. They’re so out of touch, in fact, that they refuse even to speak with Sheryl Crow. Exactly, that Sheryl Crow.

So what I need from you guys is this: I need an old-fashioned haunting. You know, like in “A Christmas Carol.” We need lessons learned is what we need, guys. Take George W. Bush. Here’s a guy who actually stood in front of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and said “In light of this tragedy at Virginia Tech, I decided not to be funny.”

Now, obviously the victims of Virginia Tech deserve respect and deserved to be honored, but do you see the sickness of Bush’s statement and decision? First of all, there are the two or three people that just live for W’s standup. These are the same people who will buy anything Dane Cook produces.

More importantly, however, is this - there are U.S. soldiers dying daily in an occupation Bush desired and started. Now, my thought is this: Bush isn’t actually aware that U.S. soldiers are dying in Iraq every single day. He doesn’t speak of them, we aren’t allowed to see pictures of them returning to the country, and he never attends funerals for any of them. Hell, he even refused to look for a U.S. soldier after he was kidnapped. Honestly, I don’t think he really knows they exist, except for when they stand behind them when he gives speeches.

So, if it’s possible, could you send a ghost to Bush in the middle of the night and maybe show him some dead and mangled bodies of U.S. soldiers. I’d advise throwing in some dead Iraqi children for him to look at, but I swear to … um, you … that the dude could really care less about them. It would probably make him feel victorious, actually. So focus on the dead Americans. Nine more died today, actually.

Maybe take him to see the grieving families. Perhaps you can take him into the future and show him how things would have been if he hadn’t have sent so many of America’s best to their death in the Middle East. Make some scary “ooooohhh” and “ahhhhh” sounds. That should help.

One thing to note, however: If the rumors are true that Bush is a drunk, broken man whose wife has left him, you may need to repeat the hauntings. They may not take after 14 shots of Jaegermeister. So be persistent. Maybe give him some coffee before you start.

I really would appreciate your help on this, you guys. We’ve tried just about everything on this guy, and it’s just not taking. He just keeps reciting the same things as if on a loop. Bush says he’s fighting a war just for you guys. So it’s up to you to put on your scariest sheet with eyeholes cut out, say a few “ooga-boogas” and tell him to stop it.

Or at very least, get him to at least notice the dead soldiers piling up under his orders. He is in his own bizzarro-world version of the “Sixth Sense” where he can’t see dead people. He needs your help. We need your help.

I’ve been pretty clear in the past that I don’t believe in any of you, but if you can do this, you’ll definitely have a convert. Getting Bush to actually see the carnage he’s created would be a miracle far surpassing any of John Paul II’s “He-swam-five-minutes-after-eating-and-didn’t-drown” miracles.

So do this and I will be a tithing, non-pork-eating convert. In fact, if you act now, I’ll try and stop eating shellfish. Make George Bush see the realities of the war he created. We’ve given it our best shot down here and it’s not working. We need your help. Scare him shitless.

Regards,

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 24th, 2007 at 5:40 am and is filed under Politics, satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.