Welcome to Jesustology, America’s Religion!

July 3, 2007 by William K. Wolfrum

Jesustology

Welcome to Jesustology, the official religion of the United States of America since 2008! Created by The Prophet and President George W. Bush, Jesustology has taken all that’s good from the other Christian religions to create a perfect orgy of Jesus loving!

We Jesustologists believe in peace, love, understanding and the American way. We know that Jesustology will be the perfect religion for you, because it preaches the word of Jesus Christ our Savior. And it’s mandatory.
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Still, despite the fact that you can no longer be an American without being a Jesustologist, we thought we’d tell you more about this religion that combines all the best of the inferior and corrupt Christian religions. We think you’ll be thrilled that the government has chosen to save the soul of every last one of you!

So come with us, and with Jesus, as we tell you more about Jesustology!

Jesustology Beliefs

Jesustologists believe that Jesus Christ was sent to earth by God Himself to cleanse the Righteous, while damning the dirty beasts and the mud people to the depths of Hell, where it’s been scientifically proven they belong.

Jesus is part of the “Godhead” that all Jesustologists believe in. The Godhead is:

God
Jesus
The United States
The Holy Spirit

Together, these four entities combine together – along with Coca-Cola, the official carbonated beverage of Jesustology – to create an unstoppable force of spiritual awareness and bliss!

The Jesus in Jesustology

Man was still suffering the hellish (literally!) effects of Original Sin when God sent his only son, Jesus, to Earth to cleanse us. Jesus was born to the Virgin Mary and her husband Joseph in what is now known as Akron, Ohio.

The Lord knew that it was only a matter of time before Jesus would be brutally murdered by the mud people, who were everywhere those days and still are. But Jesus died for our sins and was resurrected in the area that’s now known as Plano, Texas. The Resurrection of Jesus freed the white man of the mud people, and America thrived.

These days, once again America is full of unrepentant non-white people. These are people who spend their days surrounded by pornography. Most are pedophiles only looking to quench their demonic sexual appetites by having sex with your children. The rest are terrorists.
Happy Jesustologists!
When Jesus makes his triumphant return, the mud people will be sent back to hell forever to wallow in blood and vomit, while Jesustologists once again rule the Heavens and Earth!

Benefits of Jesustology as the State Religion

It’s been well documented that the most effective nations have a solid base in religion. And being that Jesustology is the One True Religion, it only makes sense that it be the official religion of the United States of America.

Remember, when the Founding Fathers came to America, they did so to create the perfect Theological State. With Jesustology, we now can truly stand up and and proudly say that the United States is the Greatest Nation on Earth!

The benefits of Jesustology as the State Religion are endless, but here is how it affects some key issues:

Health Care: Studies have proven that with prayer, health care costs dwindle. With new regulations in place that each American now pray up to five times a day, health care will plummet.

Immigration: Not a Jesustologist? You can’t get in. And studies have proven that those from the Middle East, Central and South America and Africa are biologically unable to love Jesus. So sorry heathen mud people, it’s Jesus’s will that we shoot you at the border if you try and enter his Holiest of lands – America!

Economy: Being poor is a virtue. With Jesustology, the virtues will trickle down from the very top, so that a select few will be burdened with the lack of virtue that not being poor brings. All other Jesustologists will have virtue galore!

Gay Marriage: Gay people can’t be Jesustologists. Ta-Da! The Gay marriage issue has been solved. Solved by Jesus.

Science: Scientists hate God, therefore they can’t be Jesustologists. Isn’t that great? Now, under new Minister of Science Kirk Cameron, children will learn real science, like how Chiquita Bananas and Skippy Peanut Butter hold all the secrets of life that you need to know. We all have always known that we were created, along with everything else, 6,000 years ago and that Jesus-hating scientists have tried to drive us all to hell with their own greedy and demonic beliefs. But now, just like the glorious banana, Jesustology will help you peel away the nonsense and live in the true reality of Jesus!

Politics: We all know what Jesus thought of Politics, courtesy of the Book “What Jesus Really Said” by Jonah Goldberg: “There is no room in my Kingdom for politicians, only Prophets. A One-party System led by a prophet far trumps any other system, and those that deny my will shall be banished to hell with the heathens.”

Foreign Policy: As the Prophet George W. Bush has said, if you aren’t with us, you’re against us. Jesustology is the One True Religion after all. And along with Halliburton and Bechtel, we’ll eliminate all other peoples and religions who would defile God’s creation of Earth with their mere presence. As Jesus said: “Obey only me, and slaughter everyone else!”

America is Jesustology

For so long, Atheists, liberals, scientists and others did everything they could to kill Jesus Christ. But when the Prophet ascended to permanent power following the failed car bombings in Washington in Nov. 2008, all that changed. Faith-based Initiatives weren’t enough. The Constitution was, in itself, a suicide pact with the devil.

The Prophet saw what had happened to the United States and mightily struck down those that would defile this great nation. When the Lord led The Prophet to the Ancient, hidden, Jesustology scrolls in Crawford, Texas, all believers knew this was the first step toward the eventual triumphant return of Jesus. But when the Lord, with the guiding hand of Microsoft software, helped the Prophet translate those scrolls, a new world was born, and Jesustology became its religion.

America is Jesustology, and Jesustology is America. It is all that is good, as we know from the first, and only Commandment of the New U.S. Constitution – “America is Jesustology, The Prophet is Jesustology, Jesus Speaks through the Prophet, The Prophet is America. No More Questions while there’s an ongoing investigation.”

Welcome to Jesustology. And remember, God Bless America and Praise Jesus. Or get out.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

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Comments

4 Responses to “Welcome to Jesustology, America’s Religion!”

wonder cow on July 3rd, 2007 12:19 pm

Jesus loves you Bill.
William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform on September 8th, 2008 5:08 am

[...] For years, Jesus Christ had kept quiet while his “followers” had killed and commitment horrendous acts of intolerance in his name. They were the “birth pangs” of a new religion, his surrogates would say. One day he would be accepted by all as a liberator. [...]
Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired | The Moderate Voice on October 5th, 2009 12:57 am

[...] For years, Jesus Christ had kept quiet while his “followers” had killed and committed horrendous acts of intolerance in his name. They were the “birth pangs” of a new religion, his surrogates would say. One day he would be accepted by all as a liberator. [...]
Elaine on July 8th, 2010 5:41 pm

Honestly? you are a genius for thinking of this religion!
Sikes! you are just a pessimist and close minded person who doesn’t believe in GOD and you are also another one of those people who want to be praised all you have done is offended Jesus. If you truly are not this kind of person than i would like to see a change on this website! I can surely tell you that you have offended me and the politics with this!