Welcome to Jesustology, America’s Religion!
July 3, 2007 by William K. Wolfrum
Welcome to Jesustology, the official religion of the United States of America since 2008! Created by The Prophet and President George W. Bush, Jesustology has taken all that’s good from the other Christian religions to create a perfect orgy of Jesus loving!
We Jesustologists believe in peace, love, understanding and the American way. We know that Jesustology will be the perfect religion for you, because it preaches the word of Jesus Christ our Savior. And it’s mandatory.
Still, despite the fact that you can no longer be an American without being a Jesustologist, we thought we’d tell you more about this religion that combines all the best of the inferior and corrupt Christian religions. We think you’ll be thrilled that the government has chosen to save the soul of every last one of you!
So come with us, and with Jesus, as we tell you more about Jesustology!
Jesustology Beliefs
Jesustologists believe that Jesus Christ was sent to earth by God Himself to cleanse the Righteous, while damning the dirty beasts and the mud people to the depths of Hell, where it’s been scientifically proven they belong.
Jesus is part of the “Godhead” that all Jesustologists believe in. The Godhead is:
- God
- Jesus
- The United States
- The Holy Spirit
Together, these four entities combine together – along with Coca-Cola, the official carbonated beverage of Jesustology – to create an unstoppable force of spiritual awareness and bliss!
The Jesus in Jesustology
Man was still suffering the hellish (literally!) effects of Original Sin when God sent his only son, Jesus, to Earth to cleanse us. Jesus was born to the Virgin Mary and her husband Joseph in what is now known as Akron, Ohio.
The Lord knew that it was only a matter of time before Jesus would be brutally murdered by the mud people, who were everywhere those days and still are. But Jesus died for our sins and was resurrected in the area that’s now known as Plano, Texas. The Resurrection of Jesus freed the white man of the mud people, and America thrived.
These days, once again America is full of unrepentant non-white people. These are people who spend their days surrounded by pornography. Most are pedophiles only looking to quench their demonic sexual appetites by having sex with your children. The rest are terrorists.
When Jesus makes his triumphant return, the mud people will be sent back to hell forever to wallow in blood and vomit, while Jesustologists once again rule the Heavens and Earth!
Benefits of Jesustology as the State Religion
It’s been well documented that the most effective nations have a solid base in religion. And being that Jesustology is the One True Religion, it only makes sense that it be the official religion of the United States of America.
Remember, when the Founding Fathers came to America, they did so to create the perfect Theological State. With Jesustology, we now can truly stand up and and proudly say that the United States is the Greatest Nation on Earth!
The benefits of Jesustology as the State Religion are endless, but here is how it affects some key issues:
America is Jesustology
For so long, Atheists, liberals, scientists and others did everything they could to kill Jesus Christ. But when the Prophet ascended to permanent power following the failed car bombings in Washington in Nov. 2008, all that changed. Faith-based Initiatives weren’t enough. The Constitution was, in itself, a suicide pact with the devil.
The Prophet saw what had happened to the United States and mightily struck down those that would defile this great nation. When the Lord led The Prophet to the Ancient, hidden, Jesustology scrolls in Crawford, Texas, all believers knew this was the first step toward the eventual triumphant return of Jesus. But when the Lord, with the guiding hand of Microsoft software, helped the Prophet translate those scrolls, a new world was born, and Jesustology became its religion.
America is Jesustology, and Jesustology is America. It is all that is good, as we know from the first, and only Commandment of the New U.S. Constitution – “America is Jesustology, The Prophet is Jesustology, Jesus Speaks through the Prophet, The Prophet is America. No More Questions while there’s an ongoing investigation.”
Welcome to Jesustology. And remember, God Bless America and Praise Jesus. Or get out.
–WKW
Crossposted at Shakesville
Jesus loves you Bill.
[...] For years, Jesus Christ had kept quiet while his “followers” had killed and commitment horrendous acts of intolerance in his name. They were the “birth pangs” of a new religion, his surrogates would say. One day he would be accepted by all as a liberator. [...]
[...] For years, Jesus Christ had kept quiet while his “followers” had killed and committed horrendous acts of intolerance in his name. They were the “birth pangs” of a new religion, his surrogates would say. One day he would be accepted by all as a liberator. [...]