Breaking: William Kristol explodes from hypocrisy

July 22, 2007 by  

WASHINGTON — The rear section of Time Magazine star columnist William Kristol exploded today, leaving the neo-conservative leader hospitalized and in stable condition. Attending physicians have said they believe Kristol is the first human to ever literally explode from intellectual dishonesty.

“We all knew that hypocrisy builds up,” said Dr. Sven Hanson of Toronto, where Kristol is being treated. “We actually refer to this as the “Trickle-Down Theory” of intellectual dishonesty. This is, however, the first confirmed case of some one exploding from it.”

The incident occurred in the offices of The Weekly Standard, the right-wing politics magazine of which Kristol is editor. Kristol had just returned from filming a segment for Fox News Sunday, where he had claimed that Demcoractic candidates for President had become ideologues due to the fact that they were attending the YearlyKos Blogger Convention. Upon returning to his office, Kristol began complaining of severe intestinal cramps, a recurring condition, sources say.

Several staffers saw the explosion and quickly rushed to the side of their collapsed colleague.

“It was really terrifying,” said one staffer who asked not to be named. “There were little bits of Bill flying everywhere. Yet each of the bits, in their own way, managed to look quite smug.”

Kristol, a leading advocate of the Iraq war, as well as an advocate of a first-strike attack on Iran, was said to be under evaluation at Toronto General Hospital. Sources say he was taken across the border by helicopter after learning that his health care plan did not cover ailments brought on by rank hypocrisy.

According to Dr. Hanson, Kristol was forced to be sedated, as he continually railed that anti-war activists had willed the condition upon him, which was making his condition worse. Hanson said it’s quite likely more prominent pundits and politicians will suffer from the same malady.

“During President George W. Bush’s recent colon exam he also procedure to eliminate some of the hypocrisy that has built up over the years,” said Dr. Hanson. “But there are quite a few people at risk here. For instance, I’d keep my distance from Bill O’Reilly or at least wear a raincoat if you’re around him. He could go at any time.”

–WKW

Comments

10 Responses to “Breaking: William Kristol explodes from hypocrisy”

  1. wonder cow on July 22nd, 2007 11:30 am

    “Attending physicians have said they believe Kristol is the first human to ever literally explode from intellectual dishonesty.”

    Hahaha!

    “Yet each of the bits, in their own way, managed to look quite smug.”

    Classic. LOL x 10.

    He is one smug bastard, huh?

    “learning that his health care plan did not cover ailments brought on by rank hypocrisy.”

    Oh Jesus Bill. That was freaking hilarious!

  2. Zimzone on July 23rd, 2007 7:30 am

    This is exactly what happens to my head when I listen to Bill Crisco!

  3. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Atention Baby Boomers: The Weekly Standard thinks you’re a bunch of cowards on July 23rd, 2007 11:20 am

    [...] So stop you’re whining about Vietnam, and being drafted, and serving your country. William Kristol and The Weekly Standard think you were cowards. And being that none of them have ever been anywhere near an actual war, they know. [...]

  4. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Tom Tancredo wants to bomb Mecca, as his 30 supporters are well aware on August 1st, 2007 3:57 am

    [...] So what’s a guy from the bomb-making capital of the world (Colorado) to do? Well, bring back his “let’s bomb Mecca” plan. That’ll get him some newsprint, even if most of it’s to deride him. At very least, Bill Kristol will respect him. [...]

  5. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Noam Chomsky - living proof of the liberal media myth on August 6th, 2007 4:43 am

    [...] Let’s make this very simple – we live in a country where William Kristol, Jonah Goldberg and a host of other radically right-wing voices are given sterling pulpits to disseminate their propaganda. But the mainstream media won’t touch Noam Chomsky with a 100-foot sword. Yet you’ll find more truth in one comma of what Chomsky writes than in 100 columns from Kristol. [...]

  6. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » The United States: The best allies terrorists have ever had on August 7th, 2007 3:44 am

    [...] A brief look at but a few of the ways George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, William Kristol, Richard Pearle, et al, have fought the “War on Terror”: [...]

  7. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Dear President Bush: How can I make money when you start slaughtering Iranians? on August 31st, 2007 6:09 am

    [...] In closing, Mr. President, I am a realist. And I realize, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you plan on pulverizing Iran before you leave office, and likely the country. I mean, you have about 1,200 Kagens working around the clock to sell this thing. And it’s quite likely William Kristol is busily cloning himself and preparing airplanes to carpet bomb the U.S. with editions of The Weekly Standard to bamboozle 35 percent of the country into thinking that slaughtering Iranians is a wise idea. [...]

  8. William K. Wolfrum » Blog Archive » Dehumanization of Muslims working wonders in U.S. - more Sunday reading on September 9th, 2007 8:05 am

    [...] Because it’s quite easy to point at people like David Brooks and scoff at what an idiot he is and ponder how he manages to still get published. It’s just too easy, in fact. Which leads one to the conclusion that it’s blindingly obvious that fighting terrorism is the least of the neo-cons concerns. They are empire building, or at least, empire building as it goes for the year 2007. And the Kristols, Krauthammers and Brooks of the world could care less how they are perceived provided that their long-term goals are met. And they are being met. [...]

  9. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Sometimes I’m right on January 10th, 2009 11:26 pm

    [...] We all have the right to our own opinions, but not to our own facts. And while I’m confident in my fact-finding abilities, I’ll be the first to admit that my opinions are sometimes erroneous. Which is just one of many reasons why I’ll never be a big-time pundit. Ask Bill Kristol – admissions of error just aren’t done. But I think I hit the nail on the head last September when I made this comment at Dylan Matthews’ place: I really think Obama will follow Clinton’s script, though – kiss GOP ass despite the fact that they treat liberals like crap on every single issue. [...]

  10. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Sarah Palin announces plan to run for Governor of Alaska in 2010 on July 28th, 2009 10:00 am

    [...] While the majority of political pundits have thus far reacted to Palin’s announcement with stunned silence, Bill Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard,” called it a cunning tactical move. [...]

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