The Presidential Pentathlon – Now, more than ever

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results,” goes the quote that’s attributed to everyone from Benjamin Franklin to Albert Einstein to Pig Pen of “Peanuts” fame. And as far as the American political process goes, truer words could not be spoken, regardless of who spoke them in the first place.

Because despite the fact that there are yet 15 months until the 2008 Presidential election, one thing can be said with complete confidence – there will be nothing even vaguely approaching honest debate by candidates on either side, nor will the mainstream media make any attempt to create any real type of dialogue.

Face it, at this point of the game, the voice of the American people is just about completely worthless. Want less war? Well, all the Republicans and most the Democrats want more. Want more civil liberties? Well, Congress just gave George W. Bush all the power he needs to spy on anyone, at any time, for any reason.

The list can go on and on. On virtually every issue from health care to parking tickets, American politicians do the exact opposite of what the American people want. And with 2008 looming as a year with vital elections, one thing is abundantly clear – it makes little difference who you vote for, be it President, Senator or dog catcher.

But now that Bush and Congress have worked together to help make the Executive Branch the only meaningful branch of the U.S. government, now more than ever being President is only position worth holding. Everyone else is but yes men and women to the chief executive. So the question is: Why exactly do we continue to do things the way we do, when the results are always the same?

Now is the time for sweeping changes in how we decide who to vote for in the nation’s elections. No more worthless debates, or outright fraudulent television advertisements. No, we need more. Something that can at least hold our interest. Something very 2008.

Which is why I propose the “Presidential Pentathlon.” This Electoral event will be televised by whichever network antes up the most money, and will last all of October, leading up to the election.

Presidential Pentathlon

The Presidential Pentathlon will be limited to 10 candidates. The candidates will get a spot in the PP based on how much money they are able to raise. First, to even be considered, there will be a $10 million buy-in. After that, the Top-10 moneymakers will make it to the PP. There will be no other qualifications for entering the race, just money. So that part will basically remain the same as the old system.

Once in the Presidential Pentathlon, all the money raised is given directly to the American people, to be used for things like health care and fixing America’s crumbling infrastructure. Consider it sort of a “reverse lottery.”

Candidates will not be allowed to use any other medium such as TV or radio commercials in order to enhance their candidacy. The Pentathlon will be their only medium.

After the Top-10 have successfully bought themselves into the election, the events begin.

1. Feats of Strength

Here, the candidates will be given all the promises they’ve ever made to the public, in written form. They will then try to lift the pile of paperwork overhead, and hurl it into a trash dumpster.

2. Question-Statements

Each candidate will be given a series of questions that will give voters an idea of what type of person the candidate actually is. The twist on this stage is that there will be no actual questions, but they will instead be given “Question-Statements.” Such as:

“Haircuts?”

“Cleavage?”

“Jesus?”

While the question-statements will be mainly apolitical, the final question will be “Terror!??!!??!!?” or something to that effect.

3. Shooting

All the candidates will be given a pistol with just one bullet. In front of them will be a lineup of four different Americans: Gay, Pregnant, Sick and someone from New Orleans. Which one do they shoot in the head? Why? Bonus points awarded for the amount of pain they’re able to inflict on the person before they die.

4. Fencing

In this event, the candidates will be dressed in full fencing gear, while accusations are tossed their way. Once the event starts, candidates will be swiftly thrown accusations like: “We know what you did with that hooker,” and “We know who really built that addition to your mansion.” Candidates will be judged on how quickly they are able to parry aside such accusations, with bonus points going to those smart enough to just stab the person making the accusations.

5. 100-yard Dash / Stump Speech

This is just to finish it in style. Sure, some candidates will have a physical advantage here, but winning or losing really isn’t the most important part. It’s basically just a chance to make them look foolish as they actually sprint down a track. The moment the candidates finish the race, they will be given three minutes to deliver their favorite stump speech. No water will be provided to any of the candidates after the race.

So there it is, the Presidential Pentathlon. There are still some bugs to work out and added suggestions are welcome, but in the end, it will decidedly more effective in helping people decide who to vote for come Nov. 4, 2008, than the current process. If enough interest is created, a “Senatorial Decathlon” seems to be a natural.

Now more than ever, the United States needs to completely reverse the electoral process. At very least, the American people should be able to expect something from its politicians, even if it’s just some entertainment value.

Plus, with the Presidential Pentathlon, Americans can finally make fools of their politicians, rather than the other way around.

–WKW

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