To Save America, we need the Black Death

August 12, 2007 by  

One year away from the 650th Anniversary of its rampage through Asia and Europe, I’m thinking a Black Death would help save America.

What kind of sick bastard would write such a thing?

A bastard so tired of listening to people use their freedom of speech that he thinks it’s long past the time that half or more of them suffered a cruel death. So many of you have gotten so carried away with your freedoms, that you have forgotten what is most important to America – to kill other people in the name of that freedom.

We have reached a terrifying point in America – too many people are acting brave in front of a grave threat to our own existence. Islamic terrorists would gladly come here and inject us all with the plague if they could. But the glorious battle for civilization in Iraq has fractured the U.S. into jigsaw pieces of competing interests that encourage our enemies. We are deeply divided and division is weakness. We must stand as one and encourage our enemies. And that can only be accomplished by being endlessly terrified of them. Then we can fight back any way we so choose.

Luckily for us, George Bush has done his part. He has helped make al Qaeda stronger, has helped promote international terrorism on a whole, and has helped the world despise us. He stands in front of the nation on a regular basis, shouting to us all to be afraid, be terrified, head for the hills. But now, after six years, people are not listening. They are being brave.

The Black Death would change that.

Starting in the 1300s, and by some accounts, lasting in some form or another to the 1700s, the Black Plague killed millions, and by some estimates, wiped out two-thirds of the world’s population.

And it brought people together.

There was a sense of community and purpose as people rushed to bury and burn bodies. There was no debate over politics or policies or war. There was only endless mourning and death.

And as a result, France and England were allowed to battle, unfettered by public opinion, for more than a century in the Hundred Years War.

And yet Americans complain of fighting in Iraq for not even half a decade. We are weak when it comes to fighting epic struggles for our very existence. That was proven the last time America fought for its existence, in Vietnam. We couldn’t stand the heat of fighting for our very right to survive as a nation. And we crumbled, defeated from the inside. It was a glorious battle of civilizations, and we failed. And you see how that ended up. Now we’re failing again. And on the precipice of having our very existence taken from us again.

But one good plague would change that. A bird flu. A bubonic plague. Something. Because too many of you are too unwilling to just shut up and let the righteous fight as they are so entitled. As John Gibson of Fox News so eloquently said: “I think it’s going to take a lot of dead people to wake America up.”

Now we have endless sideshow squabbles about whether the surge is working, if we are “safer” now, whether the FBI should listen in on foreign phone calls, whether cops should detain odd-acting “flying imams,” whether those plotting alleged attacks on Fort Dix or Kennedy airport are serious threats or amateur bumblers. We bicker over the trees while the forest is ablaze.

Because the trees are ablaze. Listen to anyone in the Administration or with political think tanks. They know about trees. They know about blazes. And these trees are blazing. While we bicker. But a devastating pandemic would be a great first step in extinguishing that fire.

Think of it. While none of us has experienced a plague that wiped out the majority of the population, Americans do have a ridiculously short life span. So everyone knows what it’s like to have a loved one die. Now imagine all your loved ones dying. Would you feel like protesting your government then?

It may sound demented, but is it any different from wishing an attack on the U.S.? I think not. Plus, there will be added benefits – unemployment will cease to exist. Illegal immigration would stop dead in its tracks.

It will take another attack on the homeland to quell the chattering of chipmunks and to restore America’s righteous rage and singular purpose to prevail. The Islamic terrorists want to kill us all. And the only logical way for us to combat that is for the majority of you to die.

Sadly, the unity of such a plague won’t last forever.

The first Black Death proved that.



27 Responses to “To Save America, we need the Black Death”

  1. Dadler on August 12th, 2007 9:55 am

    Nice heuvos, big Bill. If only there was a single pol of significance in this country who had the nads and the imagination to say anything similar. As it is, the Dems are acting like a bunch of frightened little cowards, somehow believing that actually pulling us out of Iraq will be perceived as that old b.s. bugaboo “not supporting the troops.” My little brother is going back to Iraq in a few months, already done a tour there and in Afghanistan, and I want to explode listening to “my” party acting like a bunch of intimidated abuse victims. But listen, my little bro was ordered by an Army superior officer (my bro is a captain in the Marines) to burn down a certain Afghan village. My brother refused, having worked with the villagers and knowing they were good people and needed more time and patience, that they were rightfully terrified of the Taliban killing them ten minutes after they helped the Americans. He continued to refuse, fought all day, risked his position, and won the fight, this little village was not burned down. Where are these stories in the media? Where is ANY mature, humane, insightful analysis and action?

    Still, I can’t get over Padraig Harrington putting two in the drink at 18 and still winning the Open Championship. I thought it was Van de Velde redux. But Sergio’s a little sh*t, so I wasn’t so bad.

    Good blogging, my old over-the-linemate. Must have been something about Acfold Street that produced progressives. BTW, drove by the old neighborhood the other day — very odd indeed. And kind of depressing, as that entire San Gabriel Valley is. As the entire country is quickly becoming.

    Peace out, B.

  2. Dadler on August 12th, 2007 9:57 am

    Damn I should proofread once in awhile.

  3. Rachel on August 12th, 2007 9:20 pm

    My hat is off to you, and yet another salute my friend.
    Your words ring so true, in the hearts of the world today.
    Finally someone has put into print what I have been saying all along.
    Thank you.

  4. Worst. President. Ever. on August 13th, 2007 5:06 am

    Rarely is the question asked, “Did Stu Bykofsky, or any member of his family, actually sacrifice anything by serving in Vietnam or Iraq? Or is he just another typical conservative spouting off the same old shit about the sacrifices other people need to make?”

  5. Worst. President. Ever. on August 13th, 2007 5:10 am

    … and rarely is the question asked, how come none of THESE cocksuckers are over in Iraq right now?

    Military Service Eligible Children of George W. Bush:

    Jenna Bush
    Barbara Bush

    Military Service Eligible Children of Jeb Bush:

    George P. Bush
    Noelle Bush
    John Ellis Bush Jr.

    Military Service Eligible Children of Neil Bush:

    Lauren Bush
    Pierce Bush

    Military Service Eligible Children of Marvin Bush:

    Marshall Bush

    Military Service Eligible Children of Dorothy Bush Koch:

    Samuel LeBlond
    Ellie LeBlond

  6. The Citizen » Blog Archive » Den Sorte Død - on August 13th, 2007 5:15 am

    [...] William K. Wolfrum [...]

  7. dr.filbert on August 13th, 2007 5:26 am

    w.p.e. you forgot to add shitty mitty’s waste of dna, evil spawn.

  8. 9% approval on August 13th, 2007 5:28 am

    When will Bush and his minions stop cheerleading for the
    great Bin Laden?

    For gods sake, he’s a punk ass street rat.
    If Bush hadn’t been playing him up as an international
    super criminal master mind for the last 6 years
    we could get on with it.
    what a bunch of pussies.

    Can we pop a cap in this guy and be done already?

  9. duus on August 13th, 2007 5:29 am

    So few rational voices out there, identifying what it is America really needs! Thanks for your thoughtful, compelling article.

  10. DrBB on August 13th, 2007 5:49 am

    Re this Bykofsky thing. There was a time back a few years ago when in my rage and disgust with the malAdmin, I was finding it not too hard to believe in LIHOP–remember that acronym? Seemed to me it wasn’t that hard to imagine the Cheneyists, and Sneering Shotgun Boy himself, seeing memos headed “Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.” and saying to themselves, “Well, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Wake up call. Nation needs discipline, unity, surveillance. Too many rights, too many blathering disorderly people out there. Other good stuff would follow, too: unitary executive, clear-eyed view of What Needs To Be Done. Strong defense, blowing stuff up. Etc. Anyway, we don’t need to act on this right now, do we? Too much on our plates after all. Maybe we’ll get to it in October. December. Whatever. And if Something Happens in the meantime, well, we might get our hair mussed a little but in some ways it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing. For America.”

    But after cooling down a bit, I thought, no. I mean, those kinds of thoughts are just unthinkable, aren’t they.

  11. Buck on August 13th, 2007 5:51 am

    Hell of a post… Good one!

  12. Skull / Bones » Blog Archive » on August 13th, 2007 6:55 am

    [...] What America really needs to survive is another Black Death [...]

  13. r€nato on August 13th, 2007 7:03 am

    thank you for your modest proposal.

  14. r€nato on August 13th, 2007 7:05 am

    hey, shouldn’t all those global warming chicken littles be 100% behind your proposal? Less humans, better for the environment!

  15. IM on August 13th, 2007 7:47 am

    Not so much a modest proposal but rather “The shortest way with the dissenters”.

  16. I Know What I Know » Blog Archive » On The Conservative Deathwish on August 13th, 2007 7:52 am

    [...] The lefty internets are all abuzz with parodies of Stu Bykofsky’s explicit desire for another major terrorist attack on US soil if the country is to be saved from something. Certainly, this kind of death-wishing is nothing new among conservatives (consider only the idea that there are people who sit around waiting on the rapture, people who sit around being paranoid that a terrorist is going to be hiding under their bed, and people who see a death toll in Iraq in the hundreds of thousands as “progress.” But despite all this, I have to say that I disagree with William K. Wolfrum’s hilarious call for another round of the Black Death for two reasons: [...]

  17. Stanton on August 13th, 2007 8:21 am

    With due respect, I believe this is a misguided suggestion, Mr. Wolfrum. It’s never a good idea to market a new product in August, even one as exhilarating as the Black Death.

  18. bastard.logic on August 13th, 2007 9:45 am

    Mass Murder as Panacea Update: Stu Now Sez New 9/11 Not Actually Needed, Just Would Be ‘Helpful’…

    by matttbastard
    Bykofsky backpedals:
    MY HYPOTHESIS last week that another 9/11 attack would unite America was wrong, judging by e-mail and voice-mail responses. When I stopped reading at 1,000 (lots more unread) roughly 65 percent disagreed with me, ma…

  19. Mooser on August 13th, 2007 11:04 am

    And lest we forget, the War On Iraq is not an emergency, nope, it is policy remember, pre-emptive war?
    Now if pre-emptive war is our policy, we should be prepared to consistently follow it. Policy implies that it works, and we have the resources to carry it out whenever we think it’s apropriate. So why are soldiers doing multiple tours?
    As soon as they made war a policy, they gave all our adversaries, real and imagined, a red cape to wave at the enraged bull from over a crevasse. Which we will snort, paw the earth, charge and fall into every time.
    Oh, and if it’s policy, why do we have to do the whole thing on borrowed money?

    BTW, the we-need-a-terrorist-attack meme has become the settled wisdom among wing-nuts. That didn’t take long, and we got to watch the entire little show, as it went from the ravings of one nut who, apparently, has no editor at his paper, to CNN. The only discussion left: which city is most deserving of the attack, and who should be forced to move there to recieve it.

  20. Yeah!BombUSBaby on August 13th, 2007 11:27 am

    Oh wow, I couldn’t agree more. The great thing is that with recent advances in modern genetics, we could tailor a virus to specifically wipe-out simpletons born with deviant DNA-codes similar to yours. Just key it in to the angry, incoherent, mouth-breathing-fanatic gene (which is somehow linked to obsessive cowardous–as none of you internet superheroes seems to manage to make it to the actual fight).

    I hope the “plague” is airborn and low-lying, so you only risk contracting it when you bend down to pray, that way everyone I have a political disagreement with will suffer a torturous death—the Muslims would do it if they could, and probably Hitler too, so I must be making some kind of sense!!!!

  21. CP on August 13th, 2007 12:52 pm

    There only one disease that the Conservatives fear, it is fear of bankruptcy, so be very afraid………………

  22. Craig Shergold on August 13th, 2007 3:06 pm

    Keep an eye on the various animal->human disease jumps. Zo-oneses are the term. H5N1 gets all the press, but other animal influenzas could be very bad news, and we dodged a big bullet with SARS.

  23. Dizzy Wizzy on August 14th, 2007 1:53 am

    Welcome to the wingnut world of the circular argument. Americans must die violently at the hands of Islamofascists so that they may wake up to the danger of dying violently at the hands of Islamofascists.

  24. gurney manz on August 14th, 2007 4:23 pm

    You know who’s laughing at us? A whole lot, in fact?

    The dinosaurs – all gathered together, chain-smoking, behind the garage in heaven.

  25. AWhitneyBrown on August 15th, 2007 11:04 am

    Dear Mr. Wolfrum,
    I wrote a DKos diary with this exact take and title, and after posting it, a friend brought this to my attention. I have updated my diary to include a link here, since IMHO, yours is the better parody.

  26. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Who the hell is William K. Wolfrum? on September 18th, 2008 11:15 am

    [...] To Save America, we need the Black Death [...]

  27. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » These are a few of my favorite satirical things on March 29th, 2009 12:51 pm

    [...] To Save America, we need the Black Death [...]

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