The United States a far greater nation than Tajikistan (aside from boys soccer)

August 21, 2007 by  

On Monday in South Korea in the FIFA under-17 World Cup, the United States team suffered a shocking 4-3 loss at the hands of Tajikistan. While this result was roundly ignored in most American sports circles, in political circles it is still a result that has bells ringing.

For in just 90 minutes of play, the U.S. has helped create something that sends shivers down the spines of foreign experts everywhere – Cocky Tajiks.

Yes, Tajiks are strutting about greater Tajikistan today with chests puffed out. Suddenly in Tajikistan, anything is possible. And as we all are aware, Satan hath no greater ally than an arrogant Tajik.

And sure, aside from the victory by its teens, Tajiks have some things to be proud of. Nearly one-third of its residents don’t live in abject poverty, after all. And if you’re an Afghani drug lord, you pretty much have no choice but to traffic your drugs through Tajikistan if you want to get them into the lucrative Russian market. Also, Tajikistan is just one of only five countries on the planet to share a border with Uzbekistan. So it’s by no means all bad there.

But the recent triumph on the soccer pitch will likely get Tajiks thinking they are on par with the U.S., and this is by no means the case, whatsoever. A simple look at the facts will show that the United States of America is far superior to Tajikistan.

Infant Mortality Rate: When ranked against other industrialized nations, the U.S. ranks second-to-last. However, Tajikistan isn’t an industrialized nation and the U.S. crushes them in this race, as just 6.37 U.S. babies die out of a thousand births. While this lags far behind nations like Sweden (2.76) and Singapore (2.30), it’s way better than Tajikistan (43.64).

Human Rights: An authoritarian state, there have been widespread allegations of torture in Tajikistan. In comparison, the United States, on average, rarely tortures its own citizens, and, for the most part, only tortures non-citizens when the President feels it absolutely necessary.

Health Care: Again, American dominance comes shining through. According to the World Health Organization, the U.S. has the No. 37 health care system in the world, trailing such health-conscious nations as Colombia, Costa Rica and Chile. Tajikistan however ranks a lowly No. 154, which is even worse than Iraq (103).

Military: The U.S. has a military that is used to invade nations like Iraq, Afghanistan, Panama, Nicaragua, Grenada, etc. Tajikistan has never invaded any nation worth noting, and, in fact, American troops are currently stationed in Tajikistan to keep them from getting any ideas.

Paris Hiltons: Not only does the U.S. lead the world in Paris Hiltons (1), it is also a leader in such stars as Britney Spears (1), Lindsay Lohans (1) and Olsen Twins (2). No one famous has ever come from Tajikistan.

So while Tajiks gloat over their victory over the United States, it is imperative that they not get too excited about this. Simple statistics prove that the United States is far superior to Tajikistan, in nearly every category.

And for Americans, chin up. The loss to Tajikistan could be construed as painful. But keep in mind, compared to the average Tajik, an American lives a life of luxury. And compared to the rest of the world, the U.S. settles in nicely in the upper middle area in most categories.

So in the end, it comes down to this: while the U.S. may not technically or statistically be the “Greatest Nation on Earth,” it is a far greater nation than Tajikistan in everything that does not consist of teenage boys playing soccer.



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