The Scent of Virtue: A Convert’s Turgid Story

August 26, 2007 by  

Dear Penthouse,

I never thought I’d be writing to you, but here I am. I’m still amazed it happened to me. I am but a simple Atheist. Well, I thought I was an Atheist but now I know I am not. And what a sexy conversion it has been.

His name was William D. And he taught me all about Virtue, both figuratively and literally.

Let me start at the beginning: I was in the library surfing the Internet. Sometimes I can get so overwhelmed with my deep, burning passion for knowledge that I can shriek out without even knowing. “There is so much to learn!” I shouted passionately.

“Oh, you’d learn a lot. You’d learn about virtue,” said William D., emerging from the shadows.

I was transfixed. His virtue was enormous. I had always mocked the virtuous, but I was unable to in William D.’s case. He had virtue that seemed God-given. “But I don’t believe in God,” thought I, my chest heaving, my mind racing.

His hand slid down my firm yet supple spine.

“Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes. I like families. I like children,” said William D.

I was confused. Firm and supple, yet confused. All this talk about Hollywood and anal sex and families from this man of virtue had me strangely aroused.

“What is that smell,” I asked, breathing in deeply, my stiff nostrils sucking in the air, the scent tantalizing. “It’s almost freakish.”

“Freakish still is the idea that humans have rights by virtue of nature and nature’s God,” said William D.

I swooned. The words and smells had a hold on my trim, yet curvy mind. His hand moved to my leg.

“This is just so uncivil,” I said, turgid with anticipation.

“But civility and community are both predicated on the individual being subordinate to the interest of society. If you make a fetish of individual rights, you are going to emasculate that community,” said William D., virtue booming from his voice.

I was his. He guided me from the library into a cab. Before long we were at my place. I was to be converted. I could no longer deny it. Still I foolishly thought I could fight him.

“Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular … Hollywood likes anal sex,” he said, virtue literally dripping from the corner of his mouth. He sexily dabbed at it with a handkerchief.

Virtue. Why was it having such an affect on me? Why were my defenses slowly falling to the wayside for this mature, sweaty man? Why, why?

“In this country, we are civilized. We don’t appreciate it when somebody sticks it to you in the name of freedom of speech, sir,” said William D.

My taut body erupted in ecstasy.

“Stick it to me, Sir,” said I.

I woke up the next morning alone. I felt used up. My world had been rocked. I would never be the same. More than anything, I wanted to tithe. I had an epiphany – I was now Catholic. Dear God in heaven, I was Catholic, virtues and all.

I was on my feet again, sprinting back to the library as fast as my sinewy, muscular legs could carry me. My heart was ripping through my taut chest. I had to know. Virtue. What did it mean? How did William D. use Virtue to turn me into this – a man with Catholicism and virtue nearly bursting from his every orifice. I had to know.

When I got back to the computer and checked the Internet again, I saw the answer – Virtue Perfume.

I navigated to the Virtue Perfume Web site and was rocked to my very core. I read the descriptions, sweat cascading down my smooth stomach:

“Mist on your wrist and indulge your senses. You immediately note, with delight, that this is no ordinary perfume. You want to involve yourself with it’s uplifting character and take it’s subtle journey, ever deeper, into it’s enduring and memorable essence.”

Memorable essence. An image of William D. exploded in my mind and my now-Catholic loins. I read on:

“Practically all religions and Spiritual practices, persons of high Spiritual attainment are known to give off a fragrance, attributed to their Virtue. Christ, many of the Saints, and numerous others with highly developed spirituality, are, historically, known to have given off such a fragrance.”

And there it was. It all came flooding back to me. Virtue. Hollywood. Anal sex. Virtue. Jews. Anal sex. Catholicism. Emasculate. Virtue.

“In other words, we were creating a fragrance to lead people to their own Virtue.”

I shuddered. I had been led to my virtue. I would never be the same, thanks to William D. And Virtue.

Virtue

–WKW

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