Dear President Bush: How can I make money when you start slaughtering Iranians?
August 31, 2007 by William K. Wolfrum
President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear President George W. Bush,
Having seen how many people got wildly rich during the invasion of, and occupation of Iraq, I was hoping I could get involved in a little of the action when the bombs start dropping on Iran.
Mr. President, it has been blindingly obvious to me for some time that you will not leave office without attacking Iran. You are a man of vision, and that vision has seen the smoldering ruins of the entire Middle East and the world economy. And those visions will be coming true sooner, rather than later and the upcoming PR campaign will be intense.
As you well know, Mr. President, public relations is a vital part of getting a war going, and keeping it going. It takes a lot of fancy words to confuse the masses into becoming willful murderers, after all.
This is where I believe I can help. I can help make this unprovoked war fun. I can make obliterated Iranian babies seem cool. For a price, mind you. But several million dollars seems a small price to pay to keep me from wandering around, writing things like “unprovoked war” and “obliterated Iranian babies.”
Sure, I have liberal viewpoints, and I completely understand that you only work with those that share your strict ideology. But, come on, the majority of your base are facing lewd misconduct charges, at the very least. So they’re tied up right now, and not the way they like it.
Plus, it’s not like I’m married to liberalism or anything. I’m still a capitalist, and as your Presidency has proven, the only thing that defines America any longer is capitalism. Mostly, though, a guy’s gotta eat and feed his family. So when I see folks like Scott Custer and Mike Battles getting massive government contracts for doing absolutely nothing, I think to myself “Wow, they must be eating really good.”
So let’s talk about what I can give you, as you begin the process of killing thousands and thousands of Iranians, while making the U.S. the most hated nation on the planet, times two. Help will be needed, and I’m here for you.
Humor is an important part of getting public support, and let’s face it, Mr. President; left to your own devices, you end up making jokes about hunting for WMDs that just end up pissing everyone off. That’s not humor. That’s instigating the masses.
Now, being that you’ll undoubtedly be taking advantage of the U.S. nuclear arsenal in your planned destruction of Iran (hell, why have them if they’re just going to sit there), why not focus on the inherent humor of radiation poisoning?
Huh? How’s that? See, I can make nuclear carnage funny, if need be. And you can have that one, free-of-charge. Consider it a sign of good faith.
There must be other ways I can help, as well, though apparently, to receive government contracts, often doing nothing is all that’s required. And I can do that, too.
In closing, Mr. President, I am a realist. And I realize, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you plan on pulverizing Iran before you leave office, and likely the country. I mean, you have about 1,200 Kagens working around the clock to sell this thing. And it’s quite likely William Kristol is busily cloning himself and preparing airplanes to carpet bomb the U.S. with editions of The Weekly Standard to bamboozle 35 percent of the country into thinking that slaughtering Iranians is a wise idea.
It’s going to happen. So I can either ball up my fists and impotently whine about it, or I can make a few bucks. Who knows where this attack on Iran will lead the U.S., so it’s important I look out for myself on this one. After all, I didn’t raise a fuss at all when you decided to start killing Iraqis, so I already have blood on my hands for that. May as well stuff some cash into those blood-soaked hands, eh?
Mr. President, in today’s world, caring about human life is a sure way to stay broke, as you and your team have made abundantly clear. While I know you sleep like a baby regardless, my sleep will continue to be haunted knowing I come from a country that has gone completely insane with blood lust and dreams of total world domination. At least with a fat government contract for, well, whatever, I can toss and turn in a much nicer bed.
Mr. President, you are going to attack Iran. This much is absolutely, completely clear to anyone who actually looks. And as the saying goes, if I’m not part of the solution, I’m part of the problem. And if I’m going to be part of this problem, I may as well get paid some blood money just like everyone else from the Vice-President on down.
Or at very least, you know, make sure gas doesn’t get too expensive. I’m American, after all. I’ll sell out and let you kill whoever you like for whatever reason for a cheap tank full of gas, as well.
Best regards and I await your reply,
William K. Wolfrum
–WKW
What will the “provocation” be, you think? Do you think the nuclear issues with Iran will get us there? The allegations that the Iranian government is funding Shia militias attacking American soldiers?
I don’t think any of that will be enough. Too late to make spurious connections between Iran and 9/11?
I remember just after the start of the Iraq war, the administration testing the waters on an invasion of Syria. There were suggestions that the WMD was all shipped to Syria, and that Syria was interfering with border issues, etc. I suppose the projected Nielsen ratings for a Syrian spin off were just not all that promising. If you’re splitting the share between two programs, you really haven’t gained much. It’s not as if you can put the wars in different time slots.
And, IMO, this problem is why the war in Afghanistan never got nominated for an Emmy.
That’s a brilliant letter
Wonder if I can get Tiger Woods to pay me to keep from writing about how much I think he sucks…..
One more comment, I’ve been getting calls from crooks in India. My phone number is listed as M Allen so I get calls for Mandy, Marie, Mark, Morris, etc. These crooks won’t stop and a lot of people are having the same problem. So, hopefully Bush’s war will take out the call center responsible for my calls. In the meantime, I’ve filed complaints with the Do Not Call registry, the FCC, the FTC, and sent a request to Senator Robert Byrd (of my state) to ask for his assistance in stopping these crooks. These people tell the victims that if they don’t provide their checking account routing numbers to the company so the company can obtain payment for some debt that’s 15 years old, their credit will be ruined. So, I say Bomb Away Bush! Hopefully our crack Intelligence Services will link this crooked company with terrorists. They sure do embrace their tactics.
Miranda,
My radio reminds me of my home far away
And driving down the road, I get the feeling that I should have been home yesterday.
Seriously, I have roots not far from Beckley. If you have ever heard of Dry Creek, I will fall right off the end of the interweb.
I don’t think the local news (the Charleston stations) covers the events of Dry Creek, so your position on the interweb is safe – LOL My roots lie between Charleston and Parkersburg, with a four month stint in the Fairmont area during my first semester of college. It seems I meet more people from WV on the internet than I do in real life.
“It seems I meet more people from WV on the internet than I do in real life.”
Funny how that works. One day I will get back to WV. I miss it.
I’m actually from Alabama, but my dad is from WV and we lived there for a while when I was a kid.
Been about 20 years since I visited, I guess.
If this world ever gets too crazy I’m taking the family with me back up the ‘holler’ and we’ll just start over. Of course, there’s probably a cell tower up there by now. Meh.. we can use it to hang the clothes out to dry.
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