An Army of Generals
September 13, 2007 by William K. Wolfrum
Faced with declining recruiting numbers, as well as sudden lack of respect for Generals, the U.S. Army realized it needed to do something drastic to put more men and women into uniform. Below is the script from an upcoming TV spot, which will kickoff the military’s new “Army of Generals” campaign.
An Army of Generals
Intro: Fighter jets fly spectacularly over, eagles and American flags are showcased in an eye-catching manner.
Singers
Be a General! (Who me?)
Be a General! (Hell yeah)
Be a General (Seriously?)
Be a General (Be all you can be!)
Scene: A young man walking down the hall in his general’s uniform, people salute and look really impressed.
Voice Over
The new Army. First, it was an Army of One. Now, however, it is the time for heroes to step forward. A time … for generals.
Singers
Be a General!
Voice Over
Yes, today’s Army is an Army of Generals. Once you sign up for a six-year commitment with today’s Army, you’ll instantly be promoted to the rank of one-star general.
Scene: Beautiful women look at soldier walking in General’s uniform. They look very impressed. Like they want to have sex with him.
Singers
Be a General!
Voice Over
Plus, with each additional year you commit to, you get an extra star. So a commitment of just 10 years means you could start off your military career as a four-star general!
New Recruit (on phone)
Grandma, I’m a General!
Grandma
Awww, that’s great, dearie.
New Recruit
A four-star general, Grandma!
Grandma
Well, isn’t that just fine.
Singers
You’re a General!
Voice Over
Yes, in Today’s Army, everyone is a General! America needs young men and women to step forward now and serve their country. Plus, as a general, you’ll be involved in a vast array of important general-work, like: Testifying before Congress!
Scene: Recruit testifying before Congress. Congress is made up entirely of fabulous babes and they’re very impressed.
Singers
Be a General!
Voice Over
Explaining where lost nuclear weapons are!
Scene: Recruit talking to reporters. They all look at him with awe.
Singers
You’re a General!
Voice Over
Hang out with Fox News superstars!
Scene: recruit hanging out with Sean Hannity. Hannity looks at recruit with awe. Like he wants to have sex with him.
Singers
Who’s a General?
New Recruit
I’m a general!
Voice Over
Some restrictions may apply, but probably not! Come on down to your Army recruiter today, and get started on your military career. As a General!
Grandma
Ohh, I’m so proud
Singers
Be a General!
Exit: Fireworks and stuff. More flags.
–WKW (and thanks to Melissa McEwan for the art.)
Can I be a doctor and a General, like Col. Potter was both a Col. and a doctor? Would I then be a Dr. General or just a General Dr.? I like the first better.
Slacker Friday: Lipstick On A Pig…
by matttbastard
Various tidbits from around the interwebs:
William K. Wolfrum modestly outlines the US military’s new image-buffing promotional strategy intended to counter ongoing recruiting woes, the dishonourable shilling unfair maligning of …
[...] William K. Wolfrum modestly outlines the US military’s new image-buffing promotional strategy intended to counter ongoing recruiting woes, the dishonourable shilling unfair maligning of a certain-high-ranking-military-official-who-shall-remain-nameless and the delusional prospect of an open-ended US presence in Iraq. Related: what the PR surge was trying to draw attention away from (conveniently released on a Friday, no less) [...]