William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is currently in New York. Here are some of his recent comments, as the average Extremist Right-Wing American hears them:

“We oppose the way the U.S. government tries to manage the world. … We propose more humane methods of establishing peace.“

“I believe that some of the talk in this regard arises first of all from anger. Secondly, it serves the electoral purposes domestically in this country. Third, it serves as a cover for policy failures over Iraq.”

“Iran will not attack any country.”

“American officials, wherever around the world that they encounter a problem which they fail to resolve, instead of accepting that, they prefer to accuse others. I’m very sorry that because of the wrong decisions taken by American officials, Iraqi people are being killed and also American soldiers.”

Seriously, there’s plenty to not like about Ahmadinejad, but the guy could do nothing but sing show tunes, and the Freepers of the nation (including those in the White House) would consider it a call to war. Hell, not even “60 Minutes” is willing to do more than throw neocon talking points at him.

Ahmadinejad’s actions are controlled by the idiot theocrats of his own nation, and he is generally disliked by his own people. But the war mongers that rule the U.S. are desperate for the world to view him as the very latest Hitler in our midst. And for the most part, that’s already how he’s viewed.

In the end, how Americans and the U.S. government treats Ahmadinejad will show us whether we will engage in war on Iran. It remains to be seen.

–WKW

There should be lots of screeching amongst ideologues today about the MoveOn ad in the N.Y. Times about Gen Petraeus.

Of course, like most political nonsense about the Iraq Occupation, the thousands of dead American troops, and hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis - as well as the millions driven from their homes - just won’t care.

“Ignorance of Iraqi death toll no longer an option”

Not wanting to think about civilian deaths in Iraq has become almost universal. The average American believed approximately 9,900 Iraqis had died as a result of the war according to a February 2007 AP poll. Unfortunately, recent evidence suggests that things in Iraq may be one-hundred times worse than Americans realize.

News report tallies suggest some 75,000 Iraqis have died since the US-led invasion. A study of 13 war affected countries presented at a recent Harvard conference found over 80% of violent deaths in conflicts go unreported by the press and governments. City officials in the Iraqi city of Najaf were recently quoted on Middle East Online stating that 40,000 unidentified bodies have been buried in that city since the start of the conflict. When speaking to the Rotarians in a speech covered on C-SPAN on September 5th, H.E. Samir Sumaida’ie, the Iraqi Ambassador to the US , stated that there were 500,000 new widows in Iraq . The Baker-Hamilton Commission similarly found that the Pentagon under-counted violent incidents by a factor of 10. Finally, a week ago the respected British polling firm ORB released the results of a poll estimating that 22% of households had lost a member to violence during the occupation of Iraq, equating to 1.2 million deaths. This finding roughly verifies a less precisely worded BBC poll last February that reported 17% of Iraqis had a household member who was a victim of violence.

There are now two polls and three scientific surveys all suggesting the official figures and media-based estimates in Iraq have missed 70-95% of all deaths. The evidence suggests that the extent of under-reporting by the media is only increasing with time.

–WKW

Hey Conservatives! Tired of liberals giving you a hard time about your love of war and total disconnect on all things humane? Sick of people misinterpreting your cold, hard plans for world domination with emotionless psychosis?

Well then it’s time to go Faux and get F.U.C.K.E.D.!

Yes, the new Faux Umbrage Concern Kit (Extra Dosage) will have you showcasing pretend emotion in no time, and have people seeing you in an entirely different light.

For example: Does using military men as political pawns cause you no emotion whatsoever? Well, a simple dose of F.U.C.K.E.D. will have you producing gallons of exasperated hate-spittle in no time. Soon, you’ll be slamming Congress to a standstill to “condemn” newspapers for running ads that question said military men. And in the morning, you’ll awaken refreshed and back to your emotionless, carefree self, wondering what you should have for breakfast as bodies of U.S. troops pile up in some god forsaken desert.

Take Jonah Goldberg, for example. Just a few short years ago, he was calling U.S. generals dishonest and arrogant. Now, he’s literally trembling with make-believe outrage over MoveOn’s ad on Gen. Petraeus.

How did he do it? He got F.U.C.K.E.D, that’s how!

Just take one look at Vice-President Dick Cheney. Oft times, he literally falls asleep during important meetings, but get him in public, and he’s truly F.U.C.K.E.D! He’s got faux outrage coming out of his ears, growling and snarling like a pit bull with a bad heart. Then in the morning, he awakens refreshed and continues his plan of murdering every last Muslim on the planet. Now there’s a conservative that’s truly F.U.C.K.E.D.!

So remember, don’t let liberals paint you as warmongers that could care less about human life, the Constitution, the military, or anything. Sure, that’s who you are, but don’t let the liberals make a big deal about it.

Real emotion about human life is for the weak and liberal. So don’t get mad, get F.U.C.K.E.D.!

Warnings: Do not exceed recommended dosage. F.U.C.K.E.D. could cause nonsensicalness, hubris, arrogance, self-hatred, hysterical blindness, impotence, Epstein-Barr Disease, intestinal cramps, glaucoma, bleeding gums, spontaneous penis detachment, botulism, and a variety of other ills. Ask your physician about more information on getting F.U.C.K.E.D.

–WKW

And thanks to Melissa for the graphics!

If there is one thing we’ve learned the past several years it’s this - low prices trump death by lead poisoning.

Without China’s willingness to screw over its own people and use substandard products, the simple fact is that Americans could conceivably pay more for their Malibu Barbie Super Funhouse. And this is just unacceptable.

“I think people should be careful what they wish for on China. Ya know, if China were to revalue it’s currency or China is to start making say, toys that don’t have lead in them or food that isn’t poisonous, their costs of production are going to go up and that means prices at Wal-Mart here in the United States are going to go up too. So, I would say China is our greatest friend right now, they’re keeping prices low and they’re keeping the prices for mortgages low, too,” said CNBC’s Erin Burnett.

Sadly, Mattel didn’t get the “China is our best friend” memo soon enough. So now, it’s time for them to kneel and beg for forgiveness from our Chinese masters of low prices. This should teach them to stop this recall nonsense.

“Mattel apologizes to China for toy recalls”

BEIJING (Reuters) - The world’s largest toy maker, Mattel Inc, apologized on Friday for damaging China’s reputation after recent massive recalls of its Chinese-made toys, admitting it targeted some goods that were actually up to scratch.

Mattel has come under scrutiny following the recall of about 21 million of the toys in a span of five weeks, many because of excessive levels of lead paint.

“Our reputation has been damaged lately by these recalls,” Thomas Debrowski, Mattel’s executive vice president of worldwide operations, told China’s quality watchdog chief, Li Changjiang, in the Chinese capital.

“Mattel takes full responsibility for these recalls and apologizes personally to you, the Chinese people and all of our customers who received the toys.”

Debrowski said he realized the damage that had been done to the reputation of Chinese goods, adding the company was committed to manufacturing in China.

“But it’s important for everyone to understand that the vast majority of those products that we recalled were the result of a design flaw in Mattel’s design, not through a manufacturing flaw in Chinese manufacturers.”

Debrowski, who sat stony-faced throughout the meeting with Li, did not talk afterwards to reporters, whom the quality regulator had invited to witness most of the meeting, unusual for a normally secretive Chinese government agency.

Li told Debrowski of his displeasure at the admission that perhaps too many toys had been targeted.

“You cannot recall 10,000 products just because one is substandard. This is unacceptable,” he said.

Now, go over to Wal-Mart and buy something. It’s the American way.

–WKW

Why do we not have a vote on restoring habeas corpus? A Republican filibuster. Why did we not have a vote on the Webb Amendment to give troops humane time off the battlefield? A Republican filibuster. Why did we not have a vote on giving a seat in the House to a representative of Washington, D.C.? A Republican filibuster.

Basically, while you and I are sitting here, Republicans are filibustering everything that comes their way.

From Kevin Drum:

As you can see, Republicans aren’t just obstructing legislation at normal rates. They’re obstructing legislation at three times the usual rate. They’re absolutely desperate to keep this stuff off the president’s desk, where the only choice is to either sign it or else take the blame for a high-profile veto.

As things stand, though, Republicans will largely avoid blame for their tactics. After all, the first story linked above says only that the DC bill “came up short in the Senate” and the second one that the habeas bill “fell short in the Senate.” You have to read with a gimlet eye to figure out how the vote actually broke down, and casual readers will come away thinking that the bills failed because of some kind of generic Washington gridlock, not GOP obstructionism.

So, for the record, here are the votes. On the habeas bill, Democrats and Independents voted 50-1 in favor. Republicans voted 42-8 against. On the DC bill, Democrats and Independents voted 49-1 in favor. Republicans voted 41-8 against. Would it really be so hard for reporters to make it clear exactly who’s responsible for blocking these bills?

Why aren’t things getting done in Washington? Because the Republicans, working together, are obstructionists. But as Drum pointed out, that just doesn’t fit the mainstream media’s narrative.

Update: The GOP will, however, spend its time trying to push through a condemnation of MoveOn’s Patraeus ad. You know, because Republicans never resort to attack ads.

–WKW

As we are all aware, Alabama is a dildo-free state. Sure, there are hundreds of thousands of unregistered dildos lining the Alabama countryside, but you can’t buy them there, and if you’re caught selling say, a French Tickling Robo-Blammer 2000-A, you can be saddled with a year in jail.

It all just goes to show you that things continue to be roughly the same in many parts of the south of the U.S. as it is in the Middle East, where sex toys also appear to be frowned at (note: frowning at a sex toy is not the suggested usage. Generally.)

So, perhaps those in the Alabama can learn from sturdy and ingenious Middle Easterners, who have learned that if you want to get sex toys into an Islamic nation like Dubai, sometimes a game of hide the sausage is necessary.

“Man hides sex toys in the wurst way…”

BERLIN (Reuters) - Staff at a German butcher’s shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages for transport to Dubai, police said Wednesday.

“It was two latex dildos with a natural look,” said a spokesman for police in the southwestern city of Mannheim.

After shopping there earlier in the day, the man, who spoke broken English, returned to the butcher’s with two large “Schwartenmagen” sausages. He asked a shop assistant to wrap and cool them until he departed for Dubai the next day.

But the assistant noticed the goods had got heavier and alerted police. Officers discovered the man, who was about 50, had removed some of the meat and packed the dildos inside.

“He could have used a loaf of bread,” the spokesman said. “It’s not against the law here. But obviously I can’t speculate on what customs in Dubai will have to say about it.”

So sadly, the man was caught. That’s because he forgot about the most important two words in the world of packing dildos into meat - weight ratios. But take heart, Alabamans. Some day the unfair sex toys laws will be overturned, and you’ll be able to buy all the marital toys you want and need. And then you can get a few extras to shove up the Schwartenmagens of your politicians.

–WKW

Iraqis are currently in charge of security in seven of 18 provinces in their country. Sadly, despite the joy and fulfillment the SURGE has brought, the U.S. has had to delay the target date for giving Iraqis full control of all 18.

Using the “throw a dart at a calendar” method, the Iraqis should be ready in, say, July of 2008. Or April of 2009. Or Jultember of 2357.

But soon. And then we’ll stand down. Or something.

“More delays in shift to Iraqi control”

WASHINGTON - In another sign of U.S. struggles in Iraq, the target date for putting Iraqi authorities in charge of security in all 18 provinces has slipped yet again, to at least July.

The delay, noted in a Pentagon report to Congress on progress and problems in Iraq, highlights the difficulties in developing Iraqi police forces and the slow pace of economic and political progress in some areas.

It is the second time this year the target date for completing what is known as “Provincial Iraqi Control” has been pushed back. The Pentagon report submitted to Congress on Monday hinted at the possibility of further delays.

The intent is to give the provincial governments control over security in their area as a step toward lessening — and eventually ending — the U.S. security role.

Thus far seven of the 18 provinces have reverted to Iraqi control.

–WKW

This is just embarrassing.

From Think Progress:

Breaking: Senate rejects habeas legislation.

In a 56-43 vote, the majority of the Senate today voted for legislation that would have restored habeas corpus rights to military detainees and given them “the right to protest their detention in federal court.” But the roll call fell four votes short of the 60 needed to cut off debate.

UPDATE: Full roll call vote HERE.

UPDATE II: Leahy has put out a statement reacting to the vote:

It is difficult to defend the higher ground by taking the lower road. The world knows what our enemies stand for. The world also knows what this country has tried to stand for and live up to — in the best of times, and the worst of times. … We will not give up on this important effort.

America does not believe in civil liberties. It’s that simple. The United States is now little more than a collection of patriotic slogans about freedom. But our leaders don’t believe in any of them. They truly hate us for our freedoms.

–WKW

In keeping with “Talk Like A Pirate Day” here’s a quick look at the Middle East, pirate style:

Back, ye scurvy dogs: The Israeli security Cabinet declared Hamas-controlled Gaza a “hostile entity.”

No Quarter!: Israel sends Middle East a message with Syrian airstrike.

Shiver me timbers!: Iran plans retaliation if Israel attacks

Blimey! Belay that talk: US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has attacked the head of the UN nuclear watchdog for urging caution in the dispute over Iran’s nuclear program.

Avast, who goes there?: U.S. bans much diplomatic travel in Iraq.

Dead men tell no tales: Gen. Wesley Clark told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer about the neocon “drain the swamp” plan, which means the U.S. still has about four or five more Middle Eastern nations to invade and occupy.

Arrr.

–WKW

And a big thanks to Melissa McEwan, whose artwork, dedication to the premise, and hours of hard work made this blog post possible.

–WKW