U.S. Economy flees to Dubai

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Economy has fled to Dubai, and has threatened to never return unless its left alone, sources say.

“It seems quite serious,” said a senior administration official.

There had been reports that the U.S. Economy was seen in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, trying to strengthen itself by selling T-shirts and other souvenir items to tourists, but that report was quashed after it was discovered that it was not the Economy in Mexico selling souvenirs, but was, in actuality, Maggie Johannsen, a former real estate agent from Austin, Texas.

Instead, the CIA has apparently retraced the daring escape of the U.S. Economy to Dubai, which began with it sneaking onto Air Force One during President George W. Bush’s recent trip to the Middle East.

“You’d think someone would notice the entire economy sneaking into the baggage department,” said the official. “But apparently it just stayed quiet and munched on useless mortgages to survive the trip.”

The U.S. Economy has been beset by problems over the last several years, from the sub-prime crisis, to its use in Iraq, to a ballooning trade deficit, as well as to a massive federal debt.

In an unverified letter to the American people, the U.S. Economy said it likely won’t return to American soil for generations, if ever.

“At this stage, I’m much more at home in Dubai,” wrote the U.S. Economy in a handwritten, confusing diatribe which no one really understood but pretended they did. “More foreign banks own me now, anyway. I can’t imagine coming back any time soon.”

Still, President Bush and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke have said the U.S. Economy should return any minute from its “vacation” and that the new season of American Idol was shaping up to be the best ever.

“The economy is in really good shape,” said President Bush in a radio address. “How many other economies can just jump up and take a vacation?”

Bush added that he still plans on going through with a temporary, broad-based tax relief package, that should help spur the economy, or at very least get it back within U.S. borders.

“This plan is a solid one,” said Bush. “All American taxpayers will be receiving a check from the government soon, I hope. Just wait on cashing it.”

For his part, Bernanke seemed completely unconcerned of the recent developments, and even stopped his press conference to comment on the Fox show “American Idol.”

“That Paula Abdul is a hottie, eh,” said Bernanke. “And Simon, don’t get me started. Seriously, everyone should watch that show.”

Still, Bernanke said that the U.S. Economy should return to American soil sooner, rather than later.

“The President of the U.S. has knelt before King Abdullah and tearfully begged him to drop oil prices, just a little, if at all possible,” said Bernanke. “Whether it’s tax stimulus packages or weeping uncontrollably at the feet of a Middle Eastern King, we’ll do whatever it takes to get this Economy back.

“On the positive side, however,” added Bernanke, “the average U.S. citizen shouldn’t notice the Economy being gone at all. This really only affects about one percent or less of the general population.”

Experts, however, don’t seem quite so sure.

“I think the Economy is gone,” said Barry Ritholz, a market strategist and author of the Big Picture blog. “We have every reason to believe that right at this very moment the U.S. Economy is sitting in the Dubai headquarters of Halliburton. And I can’t imagine a scenario where this Administration would demand Halliburton to send it back.”

More on this story as it develops.

–WKW

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