William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

The world was shaken to its very core last week when gossip-mongers around the world pounced on pictures of Lisa Marie Presley looking overweight.

HER father fought and lost a long battle with the bulge, now Elvis Presley’s daughter Lisa Marie appears locked in a similar struggle.

The once-svelte 40-year-old was seen devouring her lunch at Hollywood food market The Grove at the weekend, Britain’s Daily Mail reports.

Dressed in a baggy tracksuit top and loose trousers, she sat hunched over her meal - a curry on a polystyrene plate.

It was a stark contrast to the slim figure she cut three years ago when she bore a striking resemblance to her mother, the trim actress Priscilla.

And not only was she looking overweight, she was also EATING. While HUNCHING. As you all know, eating is the No. 1 cause of obesity on the planet, and fat people should avoid it whenever possible and focus primarily on exercise and hiding from cameras.

Luckily, however, it appears that Lisa Marie will not be forced into a life of pill-popping self-loathing, because it turns out she’s just pregnant. Not Fat.

Presley admitted so on her MySpace Blog:

After being the target all week of slanderous and degrading stories, horribly manipulated pictures and articles in the media, I have had to show my cards and announce under the gun and under vicious personal attack that I am in fact pregnant.

Once they got a glimpse of my expanding physique a few days ago, they have been like a pack of coyotes circling their prey whilst eerily howling with delight. Starting with a London publication and then New York and Chicago all writing false defamatory degrading stories about all of the dark possible reasons I could be putting on weight. The US tabloids have been calling all day wanting confirmation on all kinds of insane theories.

They couldn’t wait to find out if my weight gain was because I was just overeating, in which case It would be open season and they can do the old following in her fathers sad and unfortunate demise story again or less interesting for them and probably much to their dismay, I could just be pregnant and therefore have a legitimate reason for weight gain at which point they should probably wipe the saliva off of their fangs and put them back in their mouths or they may expose the black little souls that they are.

So there you have it, Lisa Marie Presley is not the victim of illegitimate weight gain. Lisa Marie has gained weight in one of the only two ways that is legitimate, by being pregnant. The other legitimate reason for gaining weight is for a movie role, like Rene Zellweger in the “Bridget Jones” movies. But then it is only legit if you quickly lose all the weight you gained, plus 10 percent more. Any other weight gain is out of bounds and reason for public ridicule, especially if you wear baggy clothing and have a trim mom.

So folks, relax. Lisa Marie is not fat, she’s just pregnant. And she’ll be given the required two weeks after having the baby to show up at an awards show in a tight outfit to once again prove to the world that she’s not an embarrassing fatty.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you know that WilliamKWolfrum.com now features the state-of-the-art blog accessory of allowing comments! This is really exciting for all of us here, and we promise to now blog more at this site.

So comment away. I just may comment back. After all, you know you seek my approval and love. And if you comment, you may just get it. Probably not, but you won’t know unless you try!

Regards,

Bill.

P.S. Thanks, Gene.

–WKW