Report: Faith-Based Initiatives sending Americans straight to Hell

HELL — Despite a commitment to “Faith-Based” programs, a new report from St. John’s University shows that there are more Americans going to hell than ever before. In a retroactive study, the report shows that new U.S. entries into Hell have shot up more than 2,000 percent over the past seven years alone.

“This is just fucking awesome,” said Satan in a telephone interview.

The report breaks down the reasons for those being spent to Hades, with Pride and Greed ranking as the top two. The report also takes a look at personality types who have been sent straight to Hell over the past seven years, with “Dittoheads” and “Torture Apologists” being the most popular new members. Satan said it’s been a boom time in Hades.

“We’ve been growing by leaps and bounds,” said Satan, taking a brief respite from gorging on the entrails of Milton Friedman. “We’ve been expanding like never before.”

Satan went on to add that Halliburton has received the majority of the expansion contracts, most coming through a no-bid process.

“They really know what their doing and are the only company I can see that has the ability to make the changes we need,” said Satan.

Many believed that the emergence of “Faith-Based” programs, as instituted by U.S. President George W. Bush, would eventually slow entrances to Hell to a crawl. Instead, it’s been a virtual stampede. Some experts have claimed, however, that such a result was easy to predict.

“Let’s see, No Child Left Behind leaves behind children, the $6-billion Reading First program has left more children unable to read, abstinence-only programs have led to higher teen pregnancy rates, etc., etc.,” said a despondent Jesus Christ from a bar in Sacramento, Calif. “I’m pretty sure if the Bush Administration started a ‘Nipple Protection’ program, the U.S. would be a nipple-less society inside of six months.”

Still, while more and more Americans face up to an eternity of Hellfire, there have been some positive results. Notably, shares of Infernus Industries have risen more than 300 percent over the past quarter alone.

“Seriously, this has just been fucking fantastic,” said Satan.

–WKW