Book Excerpt: “When Your Nation Hands You Fascism, Make Fascism-ade”

Below is an exclusive except from my upcoming book “When Your Nation Hands You Fascism, Make Fascism-ade” which will be released in the Fall of the year I finish it and published by the publishing company that wins the inevitable bidding war.

Chapter 4
1.
Fascism is not a four-letter word
It was the mid-1930s when Adolf Hitler jauntily strolled through Vienna with genocide in his heart and loving on his mind. Hitler had just taken to wearing the minuscule mustache that would eventually become his trademark. Then known as the Hafenhagenstache (Half-Weasel Mustache), Young Adolf was but following the current craze. At the time, the smaller a man’s mustache and the more perfectly centered it was a sign of virility. Gossip magazines of the time were full of pictures of young men with facial hair that barely covered the philtrum, with such captions as “Guten Gott, das dude gottan gam” (“Good God that dude’s got game.”)

Ironically, it was Hitler himself (who, despite lamentations to the opposite, was not a Fascist but a social Democrat in the mold of Ted Kennedy and Sean Penn) who laid waste to the Hafenhagenstach. Because while the mustache itself was guilty of no crimes whatsoever, it’s proximity to the genocidal dictator who kick-started World War II made the Hafenhagenstach strictly “verboten” (Not cool).

Such is the situation with the word Fascism. According to Wikipedia: “In contemporary political discourse, the term fascist is often used by adherents of some ideologies as a pejorative description of their opponents.”

This is unfortunate, as many great Americans, including Prescott Bush were, in fact, Fascists. Thus the great name of Bush has been sullied by a simple word. Keep in mind, the word “Fascism” has committed no crime, and only gets a bad rap due to its association with bad Fascists, such as Mussolini, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Hillary Clinton and Michael Moore.

This creates a conundrum of sorts. The United States of America is now a kick-ass Fascist state, yet everyone is utterly mortified at actually using the word “Fascism.” This is not something that should be a problem, however. One need only look at the Hafenhagenstach. After the Hafenhagenstach was sullied by Hitler, new facial hair styles came into being that took its place, while implying the same thing. The handle-bar mustache, mutton chops and the “Amish Look” have all ascended to take the place of the Hafenhagenstach. One look at a person with mutton chops, a person can quickly make two oft-accurate assumptions – One, the dude can party, and two, the dude is undoubtedly a kick-ass Fascist.

For Fascism to become “Non-Verboten (Not Not Cool), it simply needs a rebranding of sorts. Basically, a name change is demanded. Some examples of potential name changes include “Americanism,” “Patriotism,” or “MileyCyrusism.”

Watch how easily this works, by looking at the definition of Fascism at Merriam-Webster:

Fascism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

See how bad that sounds? Now let’s try it a different way:

MileyCyrusism is a political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

Much better. After all, how can anything associated with the adorable Miley Cyrus be bad? Americans are by no means ready to be known as Fascists. But being known as MileyCyrusists is something that would quickly catch on, allowing Americans to feel more comfortable being part of a current American system that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

To help prove this point, the archaic and misunderstood word “Fascism” will be replaced with “MileyCyrusism” for the remainder of this chapter.

2.

The 10 Steps of MileyCyrusism

Author and journalist Naomi Wolf created a stir when she chronicled America’s move to MileyCyrusism in the article “(MileyCyrusist) America, in 10 easy steps.” Once again, semantics trumped reality. Because while Wolf was not incorrect in her assessment, her verbiage left much to be desired. Mileycyrusism was once again painted as some horrifying futuristic nightmare, as opposed to the fact that it’s a current reality in the United States. But think about it. If you live in the U.S., you are currently a MileyCyrusist. Do you feel any different? Probably not, because you’ve come to accept your position in life, and there’s a Wal-Mart right around the corner where you can not only get a job as a greeter, but you can get Ramen and sweatshop-made sneakers for little more than eight hours work as a Wal-Mart greeter.

Basically, MileyCyrusism ain’t so bad. But according to Wolf, the way the U.S. has gotten to this point has been through an awful barrage of events. But it’s all just semantics. Take a look at the “10 Steps toward (MileyCyrusism)” and you’ll see how much words matter, and how things may not be quite as bad as you may think. First, I will show you how Wolf described each point, then I will show you how a true MileyCyrusist should interpret these steps:

Wolf

1. Invoke a terrifying internal and external enemy
2. Create a gulag
3. Develop a thug caste
4. Set up an internal surveillance system
5. Harass citizens’ groups
6. Engage in arbitrary detention and release
7. Target key individuals
8. Control the press
9. Dissent equals treason
10. Suspend the rule of law

It all sounds so threatening the way Wolf puts it. But if you take away the partisan spin, you’ll see that these 10 steps toward MileyCyrusism are truly positive:

MileyCyrusism

1. We’re good. They’re evil
2. Emphasize resort living
3. Employ the strong
4. Keep an eye on things
5. Keep open dialog with the people
6. Catch and release in fishing = good. Catch and realease with people = Great!
7. Celebrate individuality
8. Work toward making a stronger media
9. You can’t smile if you’re complaining
10. What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? MileyCyrusism in Action!

You see? We’ve moved toward MileyCyrusism with nothing but good intentions. And now that we’ve achieved nearly complete MileyCyrusism in the United States, it’s truly self-defeating to fear admitting it to ourselves and others. You are a citizen of the greatest nation in the history of history. Now is not the time to cringe and whimper over semantics. So stand strong and tall and announce to the world “I am a MileyCyrusist!” You’ll feel better, and more attuned to reality.

Coming Soon: Chapter 5: Why IslamoMileyCyrusists aren’t real MileyCyrusists.

–WKW