Book Excerpt: “I am a Huge Douchenozzle”
The following is an exclusive excerpt from my upcoming autobiography “I am a Huge Douchenozzle” by William K. Wolfrum.
… By this point, I realized that I was allowing others to do my job for me. Always a low-achiever and of below-average intelligence, I never seemed to care about the day-to-day goings on of my blogging. Often, I’d have complete strangers form my opinions for me. It was a sad time for me, and I was truly heartbroken to see someone I admired so much - me - become someone I could barely respect.
One story stands out in particular. I was in the backyard, beating the crap out of a little monkey with an Allen wrench. I had no idea why I was doing this and I was appalled. How had I become this person? Truth be told, I had just recently gotten off the phone with billionaire leftist George Soros, who had offered me $75 to write a blog post about George Allen calling a worker for the James Webb campaign a “macaca.” Somehow, I had gotten the entire message confused, and committed a heinous act of animal cruelty. That’s when I really knew the wheels were falling off. …
… It was later that month when I once again saw my own ineptitude come back to bite me in the ass. Over and over and over and over again. I was wearing a Speedo on a beach in Brazil when I had an idea about a blog post. The problem was, I was on the beach and normally - as was my way - I would delegate the actual writing of the blog to someone else. A lackey, if you will.
Surrounded by only Brazilians that spoke Portuguese, I was forced to speak Portuguese myself to find a ghostwriter for this particular post. Now, I have always made a big deal about my ability to speak Portuguese, going so far as writing entire posts in the language. But the simple fact is I barely speak Portuguese at all. I took a couple classes, learned the swear words and then just strutted around Brazil like a big-shot American. Remember, I’m a huge douchenozzle.
Finally I found someone who worked at the resort where I was vacationing. His name was Pedro, and he was an intelligent, handsome guy of about 27 years of age. I attempted to explain to him my blog post idea and asked him to write about it. It took a lot of explaining and eventually I invited him to dinner to go over the basics of the blog post, and which style I wanted it written in. Again, however, I speak really bad Portuguese …
… I really have no idea while I was still wearing the Speedo while we dined. I was lazy like that. When I went back to his room, I started dictating the blog post to Pedro …
… When I was naked on my back in Pedro’s room, I thought to myself, “This blog post is not turning out the way I thought it would, well, why not roll with it?” …
… Three months later, Pedro and I finally broke up. It was a nice relationship, but I never understood a word he said. About a month after that I learned that his name was really Hans, and that he was a Swedish tourist. I suppose I can live with his deception because he treated me right, but it’s just another example of how my laziness and ineptitude has held me back from larger pursuits …
“I am a Huge Douchenozzle” by William K. Wolfrum is set to be released Aug. 17, 2008.
–WKW
May 30th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Sounds to me like you were just trying to get a job in Homeland Security and when you didn’t get it, you fired off this little revenge piece…. Why vengeance against yourself? I haven’t figured that part out yet.
But I know this is more than likely the case because Condi Rice and others volleyed this ‘disgruntled revenge theory’ talking point about Richard Clarke’s book for months back in 2004. The more I heard it, the more I knew it was right.