Gen. “Weasley” Clark?! Bring me the mustache of Michael Medved!!

The Greatest Fauxtrage Ever Recorded came on Sept. 11, 2007, when MoveOn.org unleashed its advertisement “General Petraeus or General Betray Us?”

Measuring an 8.8 on the Limbaugh Scale for pretend outrage, the nation (or at least part of the nation) completely flipped out in a totally controlled manner, altering their voice and typing modulation to desperately attempt to show the world how immensely faux outraged they were.

How could it be possible that any red-blooded American could say anything bad about someone who had served the nation’s military? Congress leapt into action, codifying the fauxtrage with a condemnation of the advertisement. Free speech does not include saying anything bad about someone running a war of civilizations™.

The Earth itself would have shook if not for the fact that pretend things don’t affect it.

Now, as we celebrate our nation’s independence, I feel that same type of fauxtrage. I am so imaginarily angry I could spit. There is currently an attack going on against a man who served his country. A man who commanded Operation Allied Force in the Kosovo War during his term as the Supreme Allied Commander Europe of NATO from 1997 to 2000.

I speak of Gen. Wesley Clark, a man of courage and dedication who served his nation with distinction. And a man who is being defamed as I pretend to search for words to express my fauxtrage.

Republicans have started calling this great man Gen. “Weasley” Clark.

Oh, if the anger I was trying so desperately to portray were real, I am sure my blood pressure would be well above its normal 120/80. It would be 200/120!!! That’s how bad it would be! How dare these Republicans use their freedom of speech to defame an American General!

Here’s an example from Movie-Reviewing Republican Michael Medved:

Let’s leave aside for a moment General Weasley Clark’s increasingly embarrassing attempts to defend his “Face the Nation” claim that “his hero” John McCain is actually unqualified for the presidency.

Let’s leave aside for a moment Medved’s complete distortion of Clark’s statements. Republicans lie, and no amount of pretending to be angry at them will stop that.

But Medved, a man known for being a slavery apologist and for having ridiculous facial hair, has called a General of the United States “Weasley.”

I demand a congressional investigation! I want to know what George W. Bush thinks of this! I want the N.Y. Times to condemn this. I want polls to be taken! I demand action!

Bring me the mustache of Michael Medved!!!!!!!

Dear Lord, I am so make-believe livid I can barely type! The middle finger of my left hand can’t stop tapping the exclamation mark!!!!!

If there is not a full apology from every last Republican that has called Gen. Clark “Weasley” in the next 24 hours, I will continue this controlled fauxtrage and reiterate how incredibly imaginarily irate I am !!

Unless someone else says something that fauxtrages me.

–WKW

Crossposted at Shakesville