Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform
September 8, 2008 by William K. Wolfrum
For years, Jesus Christ had kept quiet while his “followers” had killed and committed horrendous acts of intolerance in his name. They were the “birth pangs” of a new religion, his surrogates would say. One day he would be accepted by all as a liberator.
But in an announcement that has left his followers shaken, the Christ himself has come forward to announce that he is leaving Christianity, effective immediately. The reasoning: The 2008 Republican Platform. Reached for comment at a West Hollywood coffee shop, Christ said that he couldn’t deal with a world that so misinterpreted his words and actions.
“They mention the word ‘faith’ 12 times in their platform,” said Christ. “Do they think we’re idiots or something?”
Christ went on to say that he had grown tired of being portrayed as a “marauding archangel of vengeance,” and that he held out little hope that the world would ever accept his message of peace.
“There’s a new breed of Christian out there that seems to think I represent free-for-all capitalism and slaying my enemies,” said Christ, munching on an arugula quiche. “I mean, they made Isaiah into a Cold War-era strategist, for Dad’s sake. Did they even read the New Testament?”
With the 2008 U.S. Presidential election coming up in short order, many have expressed skepticism over the timing of Christ’s announcement. Reached for comment, John McCain’s campaign lobbyist Rick Davis said that his candidate would not be responding to the “obvious liberal smear.”
“John McCain has made it clear that he will not speak to or about Jesus Christ until Christ shows him the respect he deserves,” said Davis. “John McCain was a POW and deserves respect. Jesus obviously can’t understand the kind of sacrifice John McCain made.”
For his part, Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama has said he plans to stay above the fray.
“This is above my pay grade,” said Obama during a campaign stop in Canton, Kansas. “Way, way, way above my pay grade.”
The reaction from many political entertainers was swift. Sean Hannity of Fox News made clear his disappointment in Christ.
“Seriously, let him go,” said Hannity to co-host Alan Colmes on the popular show “Hannity & Colmes” on Fox News. “If he doesn’t have the courage to face up to the Republican platform, how can he ever stand up to Osama bin Laden. This is a partisan attack, plain and simple.”
In response, Colmes vehemently disagreed with Hannity.
“But, but, but … , ” said Colmes.
The major religious corporations of the world have yet to comment on Christ’s decision. At the Vatican Web site, a simple message appeared: “Thank you for allowing us time to reflect on this matter. Pray for us, and know that we need your tithing now more than ever.”
Many devout Christians have stated that Christ’s abandonment will not affect their faith.
“Jesus Christ is the one true savior and those who don’t accept him into their heart will perish in eternal damnation,” said religious entertainer Joel Osteen. “That is the truth, regardless of Christ’s actual involvement.”
A thoughtful Christ said he had yet to decide what would be next for him, but expressed pride in his philosophy and accomplishments.
“We had a good run,” said Christ. “It really far exceeded anything I had hoped for, but humanity was supposed to become more evolved over time, not less.
“It’s just time to pull the plug.”
Christ said he would likely dedicate his time to working on an autobiography that will focus on his philosophies and work with people from all walks of life.
“I figure after 2,000 years it’s about time there was a book about me,” said Christ. “You know, from someone who was actually there.”
When pressed for details, Christ said he wasn’t allowed to reveal anything about the upcoming tome due to a contractual commitment with Simon & Schuster. But Christ did allow for one tidbit to be released – what the “H” stood for in “Jesus H. Christ.”
“Hector,” said Christ, walking out the door.
–WKW
Blasphemy not withstanding, that was brilliant.
That was great. Funny and true too.
The bible makes it clear that what angers Jesus the most is people who use God for worldly gain, like the religious aristocracy of his time.
Matthew 23:27-28 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)
Bill,
It really hurts to have Pepsi coming out your nose. I should have stopped drinking. Thank God the laptop was spared…
Absolutely brilliant. And I’m linking to you.
Ixx
Absolutely brilliant. And I’m linking to you.
Aw shucks, Irim, thank you.
I’m going to have a different layout here soon, and will have a much more inclusive blogroll. Right now I dedicate too much space on my nav bar to self-promotion lol. But I’ll definitely include all loyal readers. And right now, a loyal reader is defined as “coming here twice.” Dgun, my wife, and my sister-in-law are the only ones in the Preferred Member Club. That means they’ve been here at least five times 
Blasphemy not withstanding, that was brilliant.
Thanks d. I’m not a believer, as you are aware, but my mom’s recent health issues pretty much ended my “angry atheist” phase. I have a lot more respect now for honest, loyal believers. Too many good people have faith for it to be a bad thing.
And people don’t have to believe he’s the Son of God to respect and admire Jesus as a philosopher. The world would be a much better place if people made an effort to follow a lot of his instructions.
Are you sure he said “Hector” and not “Howard”? I mean, it’s right there in the prayer and everything!
Our Father who Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…
Bill…
You rule.
You. Just. Rule.
Trying to pull my favorite bit to quote back at you, but it’s too hard.
Twice, you say? I could probably swing that
Oh dear, major coffee spill at “for Dad’s sake”.
A masterpiece!
Double entendre intended in “Hector”?
XO
WWW
I’m still chuckling. “Hector” ha ha heh heh heh!
Right on the money. Thank you!
well done.
and i always thought the h stood for horatio.
Bill:
That was fracking fabulous!
It’s ironic that Christ has become a political talking point when he spent his ministry railing against the system.
Hilarious… and painfully true! I love the phrase “religious entertainer”… it says so much about so many of those “evangelical leaders”, doesn’t it?
As Irim noted, I’ll be bookmarking your site as well. As for the “H”, I’d hoped it stood for Harry.
As noted, Jesus the philosopher would be shocked and outraged at what’s being done in his name. It just doesn’t bespeak the man most of us have heard about at Sunday school way back in the dark ages of the ’50s.
One thousand thank-yous to you and your intellect!
Jesus is an imaginary friend for dumb adults.
simply brilliant. I really think you should have this published in as many national papers as possible – this is the best satire i’ve ready in years!!!
[...] This is too good to pass up. Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform [...]
[...] William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform [...]
Pure comedy gold. Also pure comedy frankincense and myrrh.
You had me snickering and sneering up until ““But, but, but … , ” said Colmes.” at which point I spewed coffee across my desk.
Those of us on this side of the aisle are VERY familiar with the illls and sins of the right, but it is about time to start addressing the other part of the problem: “Evil men flourish though the inaction of good men.”
I am not so much POed at the White House as I am with the fact that they have been handed a blank check so many times. I am not so suprised I would be labeled a ‘traitor’ as much as I am stunned that I have no one, no voice in the political arena to stand up for me.
I am sick of it. I will not be voting Obama simply because we needed someone with cajones several years ago. They may have not been the murders, but they stood their gawking (and often offering up encouraging suggestions) while the sociopaths went to town.
So, Mr. Christ, sir, if you have a little smiting left in yah, could you lay some smackdown on the lazy, worthless, complacent Dems too? Thanks big guy!
Very clever. I am a believer, but from the other part of christianity that was repressed, the Arian side. I’m sick of preacher/polticians, especially here in Mississippi where I live. To them, if you don’t vote Republican and go to an accepted church, you’re going to Hell. Since I don’t believe in eternal torment, that threat does nothing to me. If heaven is full of southern baptists, I don’t want to go there.
Delicious! Funny, but painful on point. I’ve got to trot back over to Crooks & Liars to thank them for linking to you, after you’re bookmarked. My priest is going to howl at this.
Hal Tribble — I pretty much agree with Mark Twain, who said you went to heaven for climate and hell for company. And you’re right about our local Talibangelicals…
William, maybe you should market a line of signature paper towels for those readers who tend to spew liquids onto their computers while reading your work.
The “H” definitely stands for “Haploid.”
H. == Hector?
Never. H. == Haploid.
/es
[small biology joke]
If you love me,”feed my sheep”. I am a shepard, I raise sheep and goats for real. Me and Jesus have a few things in common.He knows you got to feed and doctor and you can not just talk to um all the time. In the spring when the babies hit the ground I take care of the ones who can make it I do worry with the ones who are aborted(jesus’s job),he has a place in heaven for them.Don’t go looking for lost lambs all the time either some one has to take care of the farm. He understands. He also knows you can not spend all your time fighting with the neighbors,just not right. He loves the sheep and the goats,but I think he has a special place in his heart for goats.Sheep are not much fun! P.s. This is farmer stuff but would you tell McBush not to be poking at bears with a stick and to stop throwing rocks at wasps nest , best to leave them alone unless you have a big big gun .They don’t respond to talk either once you made them mad. Jesus is a smart man,maybe you should read his words.
Bill, like you I considered myself an “angry atheist,” but realized that I was actually saying “I don’t believe in God. DO YOU HEAR THAT, GOD? I DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU!”
So instead, I’ve decided that I’m an antaganostic. It’s a reasonable position for a science fiction writer.
Bloody brilliant. I have a very unhappy, wet cat. She got between my laptop & the chai I spilt whilst laughing.
That was Teh Funneh.
But I’m pretty sure JC spilled the “Hector” beans a while back at ‘liss’s.
Maybe he forgot…
TCR
Oh, PS, I’m his namesake, did you know that?
Thanks to C&L for the find.
Good stuff- you can’t blame the republicans for misinterpreting the word of god (if he exists). Politics is like religion and philosophy, all kinds of ways to come up with a wrong answer.
It’s not like math, where there is only one right answer (No nitpicking with differential calculus or some such crap). The suprising thing is that it’s against the laws of probability to come up with the wrong answer nearly every time. They must be trying to.
We used to be able to say with some certainty that science would yield only one right answer to a problem, but5 the last 7 years have really streched that .
Whatever- keep being heinous, I like it
gueuze
[...] Jesus quits Christianity Posted in Bush, Conservatives, Ethics, McCain, Obama, Palin, cheney, end times, evangelicals, obama speech, politics, religion | [...]
Brilliant! I must say that was the best satire I have seen in years. Wow simply wonderful. I’ve linked to your page!
Wow. So many nice words, I’m at a loss for words. I guess what I really want to convey is: Where were you all when I really needed you, eh? Huh, where were you then????
But I digress.
Seriously, thanks for the kind words and link love. I think I may have a few more things up my sleeve, so drop on back sometime
Bill
WKW, you’re surely going to hell for this.
Can I come with you?
hehe
;-}
No, the “H” definitely stands for Harold – as in “Hark, the Harold angels sing…”
Thanks — after running from the TV screaming because finger shaking, lecturing Sarah gave me flashbacks of damning Sunday School teachers I needed this.
Great post but there is a problem. thegodinstitute.com had a home study course in religious study. Their Doctorate of Applied Divinity exam took five minutes and one of the questions was multiple choice:
What is Jesus’ middle initial?
Of course almost everyone got the “H” although the “F” answer came in 2nd.
But the next multiple choice question was “what did the “H” stand for?” As you can see from the choices (and the Institute knows their religion – they invent them), Hector was not a choice:
a) Horace
b) Horus
c) Happy Meal
d) Honest
e) Hall of the Above
Correct answer was “b” and I got the question wrong too. They also prophesied that “when the feast of untruth is spent upon the table, you will get the Bill.”
Dude, I think they were talking about you. Will return to this very entertaining site if the world doesn’t get sucked into that Swiss black hole they’re fixin’ to turn on.
LOL, wash and repeat LOL
.. Jesus wasn’t a Christian in the first place making the GOP and their Christianista minions …. whom Ralph Reed and Tom DeLay’s (revealed in the court’sl discovery process) wrote to each other “whackos stupid enough to believe anything” DANGEROUS and a national shame.
My last name is Hyde, and we were always told that that is what the “H” stood for.
WOW, I learn something new every day, I always thought the H stood for Hussein
mailed it to my pastor, lol!!!!
[...] I just heard about Your early retirement and I couldn’t be more happy for You. Personally, I was never very serious about the family business. I was only ever in it for the wars, the smiting and the practical jokes, anyway. [...]
I came up with the H for Haploid at least 50 years ago. I’m glad to see it’s still around!
And speaking of Joel Osteen, at a recent servise, Victoria got up and lead a “prayer for Sarah Palin.” Now THAT is scary.
Christ! are you kidding? Really are you? Jesus, Mary and Joseph! we’re not quitters(well maybe dad’s a little tired) Fucking Jesus! that’s all anyones going to be thinking of – and twice as much you being in California now. Mary mother of God! your son sounds like he thinks he walks on water for God’s sake! Can you see the light? right after it take a left and get on the 405.
[...] Thanks a lot, you dumb fundamentalists, you’ve gone and pissed off Jesus! Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform …[I]n an announcement that has left his followers shaken, the Christ himself has come forward to announce that he is leaving Christianity, effective immediately. The reasoning: The 2008 Republican Platform. Reached for comment at a West Hollywood coffee shop, Christ said that he couldn’t deal with a world that so misinterpreted his words and actions. [...]
[...] William K. Wolfrum reveals that Jesus has quit Christianity after taking one look at the Republican platform. [...]
Fabulous. Loved the humor, sweet. Liked the book contract, too. Heard about this post via a Facebook status line of a friend. Thanks!
This piece is so sophmoric I think I’ll barf. There, now I feel much better. Oh oh, I just tried to finish this and I’m going barf again. By the time William finishes high school perhaps he’ll find something he can do well enough to show other people.
Very nice, even as…no especially as a believer in Christ, I find this hilarious. I like to think that He would laugh at it as well.
Keep them coming!
[...] This isn’t the End of Times. John McCain isn’t a prophet or the anti-Christ. Jesus Christ isn’t going to cruise back down to Earth in a Hummer limo to save his followers from what McCain will bring. A McCain presidency will give the U.S. and the globe is dead civilians, more dead troops, less liberty and a bank-less economy. If John McCain brings about the end of the world, it will be due to jingoistic incompetence, not divine write. [...]
Applause…silly grin.
The Christians have a terrible record, all told.
Jesus was a Jew and look how they’ve treated the Jews…much less , get along with their neighbors…never mind that “love thy” stuff.
They used to sacrifice goats…now you cause keyboards to be sacrificed…..pf
I’m ready to read the book and find out if he hangs with Muhammed & Buddha or what? And where are the Marys these days…..
I’m pretty sure Jesus is having a good laugh about this somewhere. We’ll talk about it in my prayers tonight.
Thanks, Bill – I’ll be back.
Pastor Scott, I’ll tell you what, I’m betting the farm that Jesus has a good sense of humor
And thanks for coming by
Loved it and look forward to reading more of your writing. Especially appreciated it after reading a letter to the editor in our hometown newspaper today outlining how God chose Sarah Palin to “lead us back to one nation under God” and the writer had Bible verses to support it. It made me wonder if I should laugh or grieve–and then I chanced on your great column.
[...] Here in 2008, McCain is fully on board with the GOP, it seems, as he’s running under their hyper-conservative platform. [...]
OMFG just spilled my venti caramel macchiato all over the keyboard laughing
[...] FULL RELEASE HERE. [...]
I am unfortunately still in my angry atheist phase. People like Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly bring red to my face. I still have yet to be able to say: “Whatever, they’re idiots and there words don’t mean anything.”
[...] Jesus, is it Friday already? [...]
[...] I can guarantee that if anyone ever rode a dinosaur, it was Jesus. Now please pull out your “Flesh of Christ” crayon and keep between the lines. [...]
[...] Jesus Christ – a leading figure in modern Christianity – returned to Earth today after a nearly 2,000-year hiatus. The Second Coming was cut short, however, as Christ, 37, went directly to the Vatican and punched Pope Benedict XVI square in the mouth. Jesus then ascended back to heaven. [...]
[...] Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican Platform [...]
[...] William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform With the 2008 U.S. Presidential election coming up in short order, many have expressed skepticism over the timing of Christ’s announcement. Reached for comment, John McCain’s campaign lobbyist Rick Davis said that his candidate would not be responding to the “obvious liberal smear.” (tags: funny christianity 2008election) [...]
[...] The driver of the $100,000-plus Bentley with Palestinian plates was identified as Jesus H. Christ, a well-known deity, the newspaper reported. Witnesses said that Christ, 37, was repeatedly screaming the word “repent” at stunned crowds of people he passed. [...]
[...] WASHINGTON – In a surprise press conference at the White House, President Barack Obama announced that his administration has fully adopted the Republican National Committee platform. [...]
[...] Do you like the idea of having everything you always wanted? Fancy cars, luxurious yachts, palatial mansions, models throwing themselves at you? You know you want it. And more than that, you deserve it. Hi, I’m Jesus H. Christ. Following my simple, patented money-making plan, you too can live the life you’ve always dreamed. My friends, Godliness causes prosperity. Following my simple, three-point plan, you cannot fail and will soon be living the elite lifestyle you deserve. [...]
It’s Jesus HOLY Christ. Anyway, it’s a marvelous piece of writing.
[...] a superb sense of humor to those that have made jokes about him in the past, Alan Colmes of Fox News has signed up yours truly as a contributor at his Web site, Liberaland [...]
[...] Interview with the Ex-Christian: Anne Rice says she still loves Christ, she’s just sick of Christianity, so she quit. Just like Jesus did. [...]