Golf: The sport of choice for drug-fueled orgies of sex and graft

Government business is far too complex for you to understand. All you need to know is that the grown ups are handling it. So when you hear about government officials conducting blow-filled orgies of illegal sex and graft, it’s really none of your business.

Of course, as far as golfers go, one wonders how their sport somehow always becomes a big part of these types of high-level negotiations.

From the International Herald-Tribune:

As Congress prepares to debate expansion of drilling in taxpayer-owned coastal waters, the Interior Department agency that collects oil and gas royalties has been caught up in a wide-ranging ethics scandal – including allegations of financial self-dealing, accepting gifts from energy companies, cocaine use and sexual misconduct.

In three reports delivered to Congress on Wednesday, the department’s inspector general, Earl Devaney, found wrongdoing by a dozen current and former employees of the Minerals Management Service, which collects about $10 billion in royalties annually and is one of the government’s largest sources of revenue other than taxes.

“A culture of ethical failure” pervades the agency, Devaney wrote in a cover memo.

The reports portray a dysfunctional organization riddled with conflicts of interest, unprofessional behavior and a free-for-all atmosphere for much of the Bush administration’s watch. …

… The report alleges that eight officials in the royalty program accepted gifts from energy companies whose value exceeded limits set by ethics rules. These included golf and ski outings; meals and drinks; and tickets to a Toby Keith concert, a Houston Texans football game and a Colorado Rockies baseball game.

Really, why is golf the only sport that legitimately corrupt U.S. officials play when jacked up on cocaine and illegal donations? Notice they watch baseball and football. They play golf. None of these respected corrupt officials get together for drug-addled game of illicit catch. No, they grab their clubs.

And don’t even get me started on the skiing part. These respected government criminals don’t ski. They hang out in the lodge, mainlining coke, having illicit and illegal orgies while stuffing each others pockets full of cash. They don’t actually ski. Occasionally they listen to Toby Keith, but they sure as hell don’t ski.

Seriously, golf needs to address this issue. We understand golf is a valuable business tool, but could the criminals conducting business on behalf of the United States at least wipe the snow from under their noses before they tee off?

–WKW

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