You are not living in the End of Times!! WTF is wrong with you people?!
September 16, 2008 by William K. Wolfrum
Ok, everyone gather around. This is for you who go to sleep every night thanking God for letting you be a part of his grand plan to end the world in style. And I’d figure that’s a good 20 percent of you. So I’m talking to, say, 60 million adult Americans right now. Listen up for a second, ok?
You Are not living in some glorious religious End-of-Times, Revelations, Allah-has-the-last-laugh, Hindu-Gods-Unexpectedly-Lash-Out-In-Murderous-Rage moment in history!!!!
Let me clarify: WTF is wrong with you people thinking that you’re part of some great final doomsday that will see your enemies burn in Hell as you’re levitated to Heaven?? That is truly FUBAR. You’re dancing into that dangerous “72 virgins” territory.
Yes, I’m talking to you. Directly to you. You who believes you have been placed on this terrestrial plane to assist God in his final cleansing of the Earth of the likes of us. And I know there are a lot of you thinking that way. And you’re thinking that John McCain is your best shot at Armageddon.
Because just a glance at some of the most mainstream radically fringe “End of Times” web sites shows that they get a heck of a lot more visitors than I do, even when I’m writing about Jesus.
Raptureready.com, home of the handy “Rapture Index” (it’s 162 right now, meaning a slight chance of late-afternoon hell fire), gets nearly 60,000 hits per week advising true believers what they should wear on the glorious day they are hoovered to heaven.
On the positive side, Rapture Ready includes some pages for non-believers on how they can rectify things should they be left behind. This is positive because it’s proof that the Internet will still be working after the devout are delivered to their deity.
Personally, I believe if I see God remove a bunch of people from the planet, I’ll spend my remaining years crying and begging forgiveness. Of course, I believe in contingencies and even have a plan for what to do should I be attacked by Wile E. Coyote or Fozzie Bear.
(Strong>Note to non-believers: All you who aren’t consumed by an addiction that forces you to believe that invisible creatures will come save you, I have a job for you. We need to make this one of those items that gets e-mailed to everyone you think should see it but would be afraid to send it. Send it to them, and if confronted, say “Wow, I sent that to you? and “I was thinking so much of not send it to you that I send it to you (bonk noggin)?
Yes, I’m going to need you to speak in italics and parenthetical pleas for action on this one. We right-thinking, disrespected people need to make a stand and let our deluded loved ones know the truth. If you share this with them, however, try and remember to delete these last two paragraphs. Don’t sweat it if you don’t, though. It’s highly unlikely a true believer will read this far into a post like this, anyway.)
So people, let’s keep focused on the main issue here – that there’s a good chance John McCain will become the next President because you religious dreamers are all for giving God whatever help he needs to wreck this planet and make our lives hell.
But really, this is not the End of Times.
Not that the end of the world won’t come, mind you. Maybe it will should the U.S. and Russia decide to taunt each other to mutually assured destruction and level the joint, but trust me, that End of Times will be so, so much more pleasant than you true believers can imagine.
This isn’t the End of Times. John McCain isn’t a prophet or the anti-Christ. Jesus Christ isn’t going to cruise back down to Earth in a Hummer limo to save his followers from what McCain will bring. A McCain presidency will give the U.S. and the globe is dead civilians, more dead troops, less liberty and a bank-less economy. If John McCain brings about the end of the world, it will be due to jingoistic incompetence, not divine write.
So please, believe me when I say this. I am 100 percent positive on this:
The Book of Revelations is not currently a reality show. This is not the End of Times.
–WKW
Usually these ‘end of times’ groups are led by old people. The older they get, the more convinced they become that the end is near.
I can’t tell you the number of times I have heard older preachers from various denominations say “I believe we is living in the end times”. And that’s because they’s personally closer to ‘end times’.
And you would think that religious zealots would know the scripture. The problem is, they ignore the parts they don’t care for. Like the following in regard to the “end times”.
Mark 13:32
No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.
[...] On its own, a person who has great respect for a professed witch hunter and thinks that Alaska will be where Jesus will build his very own Neverland Ranch after the apocalypse really isn’t that big of a deal. Especially when they live in Alaska. [...]