Conservatism dies of massive cash overdose

WASHINGTON – Conservatism died this morning. Insiders say the angry ideology – which has had terrible health issues over the past three decades – finally succumbed to a massive overdose of cash. Close friends of the ideology said it died noisily and humiliatingly in an ally near Wall Street, crying and screaming threats before it finally succumbed.

“It was sad,” said an anonymous government official. “By the end it was just yelling that it would take us all down with it. It was like I had never seen Conservatism before.”

Conservatism has been a part of humanity since the first human did something and then was convinced that they should always do that thing the same exact way forever.

But the Conservative ideology grew over the years, symbolically becoming an ideology that stood for low taxes, small government and civil rights. Post-modern Conservatism was first strangled by former President Ronald Reagan, and finally murdered in its sleep from an injection of pure hypocrisy by Newt Gingrich in 1995, thus ushering in the era of Modern Conservatism.

While hard to figure out for many, Modern Conservatism quickly carved out its own spot in the political fray. While Modern Conservatism paid lip service to the Symbolic Conservative ideology of yesteryear, it rapidly became clear what this reformed ideology truly stood for – winning elections no matter what and “getting paid.” While Conservatism enjoyed dizzying highs, the last few decades saw it evolve into an out-of-control, angry, money-hungry ideology that left many of its followers clutching to guns and religion for comfort.

A close friend of Conservatism – who spoke only under the condition of anonymity so he wouldn’t be tainted by being known as a Conservative – said the ideology was unable to overcome its personal demons.

“Like all of us, Conservatism partied hard in the 1980s and 1990s,” said the insider. “But it just never stopped. By the end, it was truly inhuman the amount of cash that Conservatism could ingest at one sitting.”

Both Presidential campaigns were quick to respond to the death of the Conservative ideology.

“Being a reforming Maverick, I’ve never been a Conservative, so its death has no effect on my history as a POW,” said John McCain in a statement prepared by 173 lobbyists. “We are bringing change and reform to Washington and I think you’ll see that my Maverickness helped kill an ideology gone mad.”

McCain then accused Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama as being the “most Conservative Candidate to ever run for President.” For his part, Obama expressed doubts about the reported death of his rival ideology.

“This would be just like Conservatism to fake its own death,” said Obama. “I’m certain it will come back even more hair-brained.”

Many who have clung to Conservatism and helped enable it seemed completely unable to accept the fact that it was dead. Gingrich, who personified Modern Conservativism with his shaky morals, narcissistic and free-speech-hating swagger, said he would believe his ideology was dead only when “I see its dead, bloated carcass in front of me.”

“Conservatism is next to godliness,” said Gingrich while cheating on his wife and committing tax fraud. “If the United States is left to the liberals it will become a nation of big government and socialism. So no, I can’t believe that Conservatism is dead.”

Regardless of the feelings of its supporters, doctors and political experts have verified that Conservatism is, in fact, dead.

“Ironically, the death of Conservatism is a classic tale,” said political analyst John Amato. “It was corrupted by money, lost its focus and eventually became so hooked on cash from the government that its death was inevitable.”

Services for Conservatism will take place at Burj Al Arab Motel in Dubai. Long-time Conservative hardliners like Dick Cheney, George Allen and Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild are reported to be attending. In lieu of flowers, organizers say only gifts of cash will be accepted.

“Conservatism would want it that way,” said Rothschild.

Associated Press Political Expert Ron Fournier contributed to this report.

–WKW