Feds, Economists blame Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss., for entire U.S. financial crisis
September 22, 2008 by William K. Wolfrum
WASHINGTON – Following a weekend of number crunching, the Federal Government and leading U.S. economists have found the main culprit for the current financial crisis affecting the United States – Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Mississippi.
“When the Community Reinvestment Act became law in 1977, it sat dormant for more than a quarter century,” said U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. “After much research, however, we found that Tim Johnson received a home loan of $98,323 in 2003. Johnson received the loan despite not qualifying for it and ultimately defaulted. Bada-bing, badda-boom, here we are.”
Reached for comment at his shack outside Tupelo, Johnson apologized for destroying the U.S. financial system.
“That was me?” asked Johnson, who saw his marriage end in divorce in 2006 due to their immense financial problems. “Really, you know, I always thought real estate was the way to go and they offered us the loan. Seriously, sorry about that.”
Paulson, who will have complete and total control of $2 trillion to give away to anyone he sees fit for any reason with no review or oversight whatsoever, said Johnson will be on the hook for the full amount of the government bail out.
“In a free-market economy, accountability is vital,” said Paulson. “So as soon as Mr. Johnson has a permanent address, you can bet we’ll be sending him a bill.”
Noted economist Larry Kudlow agreed with Paulson that Johnson was to blame for destroying the U.S. free-market system, adding that all Democrats should share a portion of the blame.
“Congress’s liberal guilt consciences forced banks and lenders to make lousy substandard loans,” said Kudlow. “All you need to do is follow the paper trail and it leads directly to Johnson’s loan. After that, yadda yadda, financial meltdown.”
Johnson, who has been out of work since Ford Motor Company eliminated his job in 2006, said he would do whatever he could to pay back the estimated $1.8 trillion of taxpayer money that the Federal Government will soon dole out to U.S. and foreign financial corporations.
“I just feel awful about this,” said Johnson, who has no health insurance and suffers from an untreated herniated disk. “I’ll do what I can to make up for this. I’m the kind of man who does all he can to pay his debts.”
–WKW
Linguistic scholars further demonstrated that Mr. Johnson was the original subject of the now-widespread phrase “Sucks to be [Tim].”
He should be forced to move away from Tupelo. He brings dishonor to the birth place of the King, Jesus’ half brother Elvis.
Since I’m partly to blame, I’d appreciate it if you would pass on Mr. Johnson’s address as soon as it’s known.
I want to help with that bill.
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