Call it a “Financial Surge” and pass the damn bailout, already

Analyzing the U.S. financial crisis, one conclusion jumps out at you – no one knows what the hell they’re talking about. In fact, after a week of diverse opinions on the massive bailout bill, apparently just one consensus has emerged – using the term “bailout” was a bad idea.

So let’s fix that right now – call it a Financial Surge. Everyone loves a good surge these days, and if word choice is what’s holding things up in Washington, let’s glamor it up. Call it a “Patriot Surge” if that works better.

Because after listening to the debate about whether the U.S. government should bail out the financial industry, it’s become clear that they need to pass something. Wall Street and the nation’s lenders will hold the U.S. hostage until something drastic is done. It is time to negotiate with the financial terrorists that threaten to drive the entire economy into the ground. It’s time to meet their demands.

This may come off as defeatist, and that’s probably because it is. But looking at the best arguments for not bailing out the financial industry, one is left feeling even more defeated.

“When the government fails to pass a socialism bill and the market goes south, let it go south. I don’t want to pass a socialism bill just to protect the stock market,” said Rush Limbaugh.

Now, let’s bypass the fact that modern Americans don’t have the foggiest clue about what socialism is and move on to the more important factor – Americans are just not ready for a Great Depression. While it sounds quite ideologically brave for rich people to pronounce that they’re willing to let the market work itself out by collapsing and rebuilding, it’s also nonsensical grandstanding.

At this point in history, many Americans can barely deal with not having a Starbucks within walking distance. We can’t handle long lines at Wal-Mart, let alone long soup lines. And for Americans already in terrible financial turmoil or living lives of poverty, the entire national financial crisis is just periphery to them. Their lives aren’t going to be getting much better or worse regardless of what Congress does or doesn’t do. The only way they’ll be affected is to have more peers.

Finally, why is everyone suddenly worried about $700 billion? As of September 2008, the total U.S. federal debt was approximately $9.7 trillion. The U.S. sent pallets of cash to Iraq, which mostly disappeared. We spend $10 billion on wars that no one even bothers reporting on any more. We can stop acting like $700 billion really matters. It’s just a number, and it’s not like there’s anything there that backs that money up, anyway. Think of it as Monopoly money if that makes it easier.

Basically, my main reasoning for supporting the bail out is that Christmas is right around the corner. With or without government action, the economy is going south. With a bailout, we can all enjoy the holidays and pretend nothing’s wrong for a little longer. Then many Americans can get back to being slowly acclimated to lives of poverty, rather than being thrust into it all at once.

Call it a Financial Surge, meet Wall Street’s ransom demands and just move on. It really won’t make a difference in the long run one way or another.

–WKW