Support the stupid – Vote for John McCain

As a Presidential candidate, John McCain brings a lot to the table. His experience in a Vietnam prison camp showcased his inner strength and bravery. His experience as a Washington insider showcases his ability to survive the rough and tumble game of politics. His ability to charm the media showcases his talent for getting out his message, whatever it is at any time. But more than anything else, he has the one intangible that makes him the perfect Republican candidate for President:

John McCain is as dumb as a box of rocks.

And when I say rocks, I don’t mean the types of rocks that are studied and examined. No, I mean the really dumb rocks. The ones that have been laying for centuries in the desert under the unrelenting blast of the sun. The types of rocks that other rocks look at and think “wow, those are some dumb rocks.”

McCain’s accomplishments as a dullard are truly impressive. Because like George W. Bush before him, McCain had to strive for stupidity. Growing up the son and grandson of four-star Navy Admirals, McCain was ushered into Annapolis on the strength of his impressive name. But early on, McCain made a choice that would eventually make him a political darling – he would not follow a steady path to success, he would fail upward.

Finishing 894th out of 899 students at the Naval Academy, McCain proved that his stupidity was both innate and earned. But his weakness and lack of discipline wouldn’t stop him. McCain went on to become a Naval pilot where he showcased his unparalleled ability to land planes nose first into the Earth at top speeds, obliterating at least three expensive military fighter jets.

Still, McCain’s lack of academic and piloting ability could be written off as the exploits of a normal, run-of-the-mill nincompoop. But if there is one thing you can say about McCain, it’s that he’s a fighter. And he fought non-stop to insure that the entire world would see the fact that he was Presidential-quality stupid.

Because while McCain was busy crashing planes and failing tests, he was also busy being what some people would call a “douchebag.” Yes, McCain proudly boasted of his many dalliances with women from all over the globe. He was a party-boy and a scoundrel. This lack of respect for women and himself is what helped him stand out as a true moron.

This stupid douchebaggery of McCain’s reached its apex when, upon his return from Vietnam, he destroyed his marriage vows by cheating on his first wife, and eventually left her. After all, McCain’s new mistress was rich, and McCain’s first wife had physical difficultes due to a car accident. This act of stupid and dishonorable lechery led McCain to where the truly stupid elite always seem to end up – in Republican politics.

Eventually becoming a Senator, McCain was easily duped by Charles Keating into helping him destroy the nation’s Saving and Loan industry. Luckily for McCain, it was around this time that the U.S. media had begun it’s own dumbing down process. McCain learned that if he talked to the media, they’d print anything he wanted. A stupid man and a stupid media began a long-running love affair based on a shared idiocy.

Flash-forward two decades and John McCain is now Presidential timber, such is his overwhelming stupidity. By not knowing if contraception helps prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS, or the difference between Shiites and Sunnis, or what countries border Iraq, among myriad other things, McCain is the perfect GOP candidate – a complete and total idiot. And better yet for Conservatives, he’s a complete and total idiot with a bad temper and severe daddy issues. John McCain is like the Tiger Woods of stupid Republicans. He is strong at every level of incompetence and constantly works toward being even stupider, as his pick of the incredibly dense Sarah Palin as a running mate proves.

Sadly for McCain, however, he has peaked too late in his career. Because while the national media is still completely enthralled with him, the American public appears to be stupid-weary from Bush’s brilliant eight-year run of complete obtuseness and is slowly but surely leaning toward voting for Barack Obama, who refuses to stop not being stupid during times of national crisis.

Nonetheless, McCain is not one to be counted out. Despite trailing, his career pattern of failing upward could continue unabated. Because many, many Americans will gladly vote for him come November 4. Because deep in their hearts, they know the truth – voting for McCain is truly the stupidest thing they can do.

–WKW

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