Breaking News: “Joe Sixpack” a trial lawyer that doesn’t drink beer or live on Main Street
Every day, Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin talks about him. He has become a huge part of John McCain’s campaign. He is a man everyone can relate to.
His name is Joe Sixpack.
Or, at least, that’s what they tell you. In a long-running WilliamKWolfrum.com investigation, we have learned some disturbing facts about Mr. Sixpack. Facts that threaten to completely derail the election and possibly destroy American Democracy as we know it.
According to the voter registration rolls of Mr. Sixpack’s last known address - 12345 Main Street, Main Street, USA - There is no “Joseph Sixpack” registered to vote. Other versions of the name (Joe 6-Pack, Joe Kegger, etc.) also didn’t show up. However, one interesting name did show up - Robert Exoticberrywinecooler.
Exoticberrywinecooler not only shares the same address of Joe Sixpack, but computer records show they share the same IP address, phone number (555-1212) and Social Security number (123-45-6789). And, in possibly the most damaging connection, Exoticberrywinecooler and Sixpack are both married to a woman named “Mary FuzzyNavel.”
Therefore, we here at WilliamKWolfrum.com can say with complete confidence that “Joe SixPack” is, in fact, Robert Exoticberrywinecooler.
Once we determined that Sixpack was Exoticberrywinecooler, we set out to find out as much about him as possible. Our crack team of researchers found out some damning information about Mr. Exoticberrywinecooler. First of all, he doesn’t drink beer. According to Bob the Bartender at Bob’s Bar and Lounge in Main Street, Mr. Exoticberrywinecooler actually drinks wine coolers, and rarely more than one per sitting. A trial lawyer, Exoticberrywinecooler makes $4.7 million per year, owns four homes, and has been a registered Democrat that has given $2,500 to the Barack Obama Campaign.
Finally, we learned the three most damning facts of the “Joe Sixpack” hoax. First, Exoticberrywinecooler was a member of Weather Underground, alongside Bill Ayers. Second, he has long been a member in good standing with the controversial Alaskan Independence Party. And third, Latte doesn’t actually live in Main Street, instead living in the American territory, the Mariana Islands.
What does this all mean? Well, first of all, these findings mean that the Nov. 4 election must be immediately canceled and martial law must be declared. Also, everyone will immediately lose their health care and the U.S must become a communist regime. Finally, McCain, Palin and Obama must be immediately arrested and executed (we were unable to find any connections to Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden, who is apparently only guilty of being sorta cheesy).
This investigation is ongoing and we expect to find out more about the fraudulent “Joe Sixpack” soon. Stay tuned to WilliamKWolfrum.com and cease discussing all other subjects immediately. This is the big one. This is the story that will lead to the end of the United States of America. God bless you all.
–WKW
October 17th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Upon further, further investigation I have learned that Mr. Exoticberrywinecooler was once a woman. And as a woman had 6 abortions after intentionally getting pregnant and having the abortions for, and I quote here, “the heck of it”.
And the former Ms. Exoticberrywinecooler represented a Satanist Cult in a civil suit against 5 year old disabled Susie Juicyjuice to keep her from praying to Jesus during her break time at kindergarten for her ill grandmother.
Ms. Exoticberrywinecooler also lobbied for legislation to rename the United States of America to North Mexico and make all Mexican citizens duel citizens of the new North Mexican state.
And if all that is not enough, it has been confirmed that Ms., now Mr., Exoticberrywinecooler, not to be confused with any of Exoticberrywinecooler’s ex or current wives and/or husbands, once served on a board with Dracula, the unrepentant mass murder and undead fiend who is known for impaling a billion people and inviting Stalin and Hitler over to feast on the rotting corpses.
And he wants to raise our taxes to. What a asshole.
October 18th, 2008 at 6:46 am
I was thrown by the sudden shift to “Latte” in there, until I realized that Latte Sexonthebeach was Exoticberywinecooler’s stripper name before the sex change.
Interestingly, sources disagree on his male stripper name, with some citing Zima Ontherocks and others arguing that he now favors DrillBaby Drill.
October 18th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Of it could have been that I changed names in midstream. But that would totally screw up my belief in my own omnipotence, so let’s go with Jen’s explanation, shall we?
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:57 am
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