William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

(Click here for the Portuguese version)

A couple days ago, I was mentioned the hyper-popular, 700 million-readership (seriously, it’s a lot) Brazilian magazine Veja. And there may be more to come. It seems the great Martin Eisenstadt Hoax of 2008 has made it down to Brazil, and my involvement in the story has sparked some Brazilian interest.

I would be more excited about this if it wasn’t for the fact that I have lived in Brazil for four years and I’ve seen what happens to the obscurely famous around here. It’s not a pretty picture. Now, it’s highly unlikely any thing will come of this, but fame is a fickle beast in Brazil. I could garner momentary fame.

Now, what I’d like is to be invited to some panel show where we all sit around in ties, smoke pipes and talk about social and political issues. But there’s no way in hell that’s going to happen. If I reach any level of celebrity, it will go down something like this:

The crazy morning show Marcelo and Marcelinho (or whatever) will track me down and call me to be on their show. They will marvel at my lack of Portuguese skills, and take sport in mocking me.

Then I will get invited to the Sunday variety show Caldeirao do Huck. Host Luciano Huck will talk to me and prod me to say something stupid, I’ll oblige. Then he’ll start some game that involves a hula-hoop and tennis balls, and I’ll be competing against the mother of one of the houseguests of Big Brother Brasil 2005. No one will even have the slightest idea who I am, but won’t really care. Except for the left side of the room, who will each receive a discount at a barbecue if I win. But I’ll lose. Then a little guy will come out singing, and the samba girls will dance out with far too much enthusiasm, and I’ll be on my way.

Then I will appear as a guest on Super Pop with host Luciana Gimenez. She will talk about Mick Jagger as though the two of them are the best of friends and loving parents. Then we will talk for 30 minutes about transvestites. Because every episode of Super Pop is really just a long discussion of transvestites.

The next stop will be the show Panico Na TV. They’ll have the guy who impersonates Silvio Santos jabbering at me for five full minutes, but I won’t understand a single word he says. Then they’ll try and get me to throw bologna at Sabrina Sato’s butt. Then they’ll throw bologna at me. No one has any idea who I am or why I am there. Even the left side of the room will be against me, due in part to my mediocre bologna throwing skills.

Briefly after that, I will occasionally show up in pictures in the gossip magazines, garnering attention as the annoying foreigner who shows up at all the parties even though no one really knows who he is. I will be the Rice at the Party.

My fame will finally reach its apex, and its end, when I am featured naked in a Brazilian magazine alongside Marcelo Silva and Alexandre Frota. Then, I’ll turn down an offer to be in a porno, and I’ll be back to square one, but with the added benefit of being a laughingstock as people can’t get over my inability to throw bologna or star in pornos.

Basically, I could possibly be on the road toward Brazilian celebrity. And let me tell you, it’s an utterly humiliating road, with an equally humiliating destination. It would be the longest four days of my life.

–WKW

This entry was posted on Friday, November 21st, 2008 at 10:06 am and is filed under Life and Such, media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.