4 out of 5 doctors surveyed recommend continuing to hit yourself in the head

LIMA, Peru – In a new study sponsored by the Heritage Foundation, 80 percent of medical doctors surveyed have stated that the best way to eliminate self-inflicted head pain is to continue hitting yourself on the head, possibly even increasing the intensity of the self-mutilation.

“We went into this with a non-biased methodology,” said Hans Shrinkman of the Heritage Foundation. “Of the five doctors we spoke to, four were unequivocal – self-inflicted head trauma can be improved by inflicting more of the same, with greater degrees of intensity.”

While there is as of yet scientific reasoning for this phenomenon, the doctors surveyed made it clear that their expertise on the matter made it impossible for anyone to argue with them.

“If your plan is to beat yourself to death with a hammer, it makes perfect sense to follow through,” said one of the surveyed doctors. “If you’re using a claw-hammer to beat yourself with, why not take some time to think about it – using the clawed end to hit yourself with makes much better sense.”

Still, one of the doctors surveyed argued vehemently with the findings.

“This is just stupid,” said the dissenting doctor. “Eventually, we’ll just have a nation of people with smashed-in skulls.”

All four of the opposing doctors were quick to point out that the dissenting doctor is stupid and prone to radical bursts of hyperbole.

“Don’t listen to him,” said one of the doctors. “Just keep hitting yourself.”

There remains a possibility that this research will quickly make its way into legislation, as lame-duck President George W. Bush is now considering a $10 billion bail-out to companies that make hammers and baseball bats.

–WKW

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