Finally, peanuts can kill us all
January 15, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
If there is one thing in the world that bugs me, it’s discrimination. I firmly believe that all who practice discrimination should be rounded up, placed in a prison in a foreign country and be tortured until they get their act straight.
And it’s not just the big discrimination that concerns me. Sure, people will always discriminate against others for reasons of race, gender and sexual identity. But often there is discrimination against smaller groups. One group in particular has long suffered the slings and arrows of an insensitive population – those with peanut allergies.
The peanut allergic have lived in fear since the beginning of time. Who amongst us is free of the sin of looking down on someone who turns down a peanut? What child hasn’t been blatantly mocked for taking a cottage-cheese-and-jelly sandwich to school? Because not only do the peanut allergic have to fear for their lives should they consume something with peanuts in it, they also have to live in shame due to an unsympathetic public. And that’s just not right.
Thankfully, the peanut allergic are now much more free due to the U.S. federal government. That’s right, in a land where lead inclusion is now mandatory in every product (citation needed), and rules and regulations regarding food products are considered overt acts of socialism, peanuts can now kill us all.
Yes, the United States is currently going through an outbreak of peanut salmonella poisoningKellogg as decided to play it safe and pull its handy peanut cracker snacks from shelves.
Some may look at this attack of the deadly peanuts episode as a breakdown in government. Some may think that the government should play a bigger role in protecting its citizens from food that could kill them. But these people are missing the big picture. Because the government’s laissez-faire attitude toward food safety has become a great equalizer. No more do the peanut allergic need to fear abuse from the non-peanut allergic. Because peanuts can kill us all now. And for that, the world is a better place.
–WKW
[...] Also, aside from clearing the credit markets and creating jobs, this plan will also help rid the world of otherwise-useless coupons for peanut products created by the Peanut Corporation of America. Being that peanuts can now kill you, coupons for things like peanut butter and peanut butter crackers are now unusable. Unless you send them to me. [...]