Vatican thrilled as Skinheads turn to Catholicism in droves

VATICAN – When Pope Benedict XVI lifted the excommunication of traditionalist bishop Richard Williamson, those close to the Pontiff knew it would be controversial. An open Holocaust denier, Williamson had been excommunicated from the Catholic Church 20 years earlier, and many at the Vatican were worried about the potential backlash.

“We all wondered what Benny was thinking,” said one Cardinal, speaking under anonymity. “But, I’ll tell you what, there are some brains under that big, fancy hat. This has just been great for business.”

While there’s no doubt that the embrace of Williamson – who has said that “between 200,000-300,000 (Jews) perished in Nazi concentration camps, but not one of them by gassing in a gas chamber” – has been highly controversial, it has also lead to a huge jump in new converts. That the vast majority of the new converts self-identify as Skinheads, doesn’t seem to bother the Vatican a whit.

“These are good, clean-cut Catholic kids,” said the Cardinal. “We couldn’t be more happy that they’ve come home to salvation.”

For Skinheads, who share many of Williamson’s beliefs, the move to Catholicism was a no-brainer.

“Despite the fact that we’re white and hate all the right people, no mainstream religion has ever really shown us respect before,” said Tommy “Hatefuck” Timmons, a long-time Skinhead. “But I’ll tell you what, the Catholic Church is where it’s at.”

The move to Catholicism is the latest positive move for Skinheads, who have seen a huge rebound in the White Supremacist Movement since the election of Barack Obama as U.S. President, as well as the economic crisis.

Neo-Nazi David Duke says Obama will be a “visual aid” for angry white Americans and will provoke a backlash among relatively mainstream whites that will “result in a dramatic increase in [the] ranks” of extremists. Many other hate group leaders agree.

“Hail Mary, full of fuck yeah,” said Otis “Jewstabber” Spindel, a Skinhead from Visalia, Calif. “We have Obama as President, the economy in free fall, and the freakin’ Pope watching our back. It’s all coming together.”

Despite being portrayed in the press as a group of hatemongers, Spindel said that Skinheads were hard-working people who adhered to simple beliefs and community activism.

“Hell, just a couple weeks ago we fed some white homeless people,” said Spindel. “We’ve been painted as a group of haters, and that’s just not true. We love white people. Well, straight white people.”

At the Vatican, which is staffed primarily by straight white people – well, white people, at least – the new group of converts comes at a time when membership in the Catholic Church is at an all-time low. Many at the Vatican have welcomed the Skinheads, who bring unbridled enthusiasm to the new religion.

“These guys are psyched,” said the anonymous Cardinal. “With the Dr. Martens, the chanting, the tithing, they are just a breath of fresh air around here.”

Still, some have pointed out that Benedict’s connection to the Nazi Party as a youth, the recommunication of a Holocaust denier and the emergence of Skinheads as future Church leaders could possibly cause strife amongst Jews and the Vatican. But, at this point, the Vatican is having none of it, instead focusing only on the positive.

“We’ll never get the Jews to convert, so to Hell with them,” said the Cardinal. “But most Skinheads are already Christian, so they are perfect for recruiting. Score one for Benny. The next few years should really help us redefine what the Catholic Church is all about.”

–WKW

Save