Beck World! Beck World! Party Time! Excellent!

(A random news story from Glenn Beck’s World)

BECKLAND — Following the collapse of the government of Mexico, angry and well-organized Mexican gangs launched a full-on war against the United States today. The Mexicans gangs have thus far conquered Texas, New Mexico, Arizona and parts of Nebraska. The state of New Hampshire has already surrendered and changed its name to “Novo Hampshire.”

“We decided it would be best to lay down our arms and run away,” said Texas Democrat Al Green. “They’ll leave us alone eventually, I’m sure.”

The Mexican gangs, supported by Iran and bolstered by Al Qaeda, have made numerous demands thus far, including asking for CEO positions at major financial institutions.

“Why do we want the financial positions?” asked Mexican gang leader Miguel Al-Garcia. “Well, that’s where the money’s at.”

President Barack Hussein Obama has asked for calm in the area and has said that he’s willing to negotiate with each and every member of the Mexican invaders without preconditions.

“We must not be lured into a war of convenience,” said Obama. “The 46, um 45, states of this nation must stand strong and allow this to happen naturally.”

Obama added that the current stimulus bill wending its way through Congress will provide significant funds for fighting illegal immigration, but that the funds won’t be available until 2017.

“But each and every Mexican gang member coming across the border will be eligible to receive comprehensive STD evaluations by 2012,” said the President.

Administration officials said that the U.S. military’s plan of fending off the Mexican assault was thwarted early on as its main weapon was unavailable. The military had planned on sending American hero Michael Phelps up the Gulf of Mexico with tactical nukes strapped to his back in order to quell the uprising. The plan fell apart when it was learned that Phelps was far too stoned to get the job done.

“How ungrateful to your mother are you? You’re so ungrateful to your Mom and your God that’s this is what you do?*” said former CNN spokesman Glenn Beck. “We need martial law and we need it now.”

In an emergency session of Congress, the United States Senate voted unanimously to give amnesty to all Democratic politicians that have tax issues. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi urged Americans to be calm.

“This situation should not be blown out of proportion lest we be viewed as racist,” said Pelosi, moments after helping pass the 2009 Mandatory Abortion for Teens Law. “At this point, we’re siding with the Mexicans.”

Secretary of Defense Hillary Clinton, in China negotiating a bill that would slow down the U.S. economy, said it was imperative to maintain perspective.

“Right now the great state of New York is under full assault from roving bands of militant lesbian gangs,” said Clinton. “We all have problems. Deal with it.”

Still, some states are preparing to fight back. Arkansas Governor Mike Beebe said his constituents were ready to fight back.

“We all have guns and we’re ready to fight,” said Beebe. “Right now, everyone has their guns at church, but after we finish tithing, watch out.”

Obama, who was ushered into the presidency by an unprecedented youth vote, attempted to reach out to his young supporters and encourage them to fight back, but the young voters were too busy taking naked pictures of themselves with cell phone cameras, reading Marxist propaganda and wearing their pants too low to care.

*Direct quote from Glenn Beck, Fox & Friends on Feb. 3, 2009.

–WKW