Jesus Christ returns to Earth – punches Pope in face, leaves again
March 18, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
Jesus Christ – a leading figure in modern Christianity – returned to Earth today after a nearly 2,000-year hiatus. The Second Coming was cut short, however, as Christ, 37, went directly to the Vatican and punched Pope Benedict XVI square in the mouth. Jesus then ascended back to heaven.
While a bloodied Benedict had no comment, Christ put out a press release shortly before his ascension.
“My children, it is not my time yet,” read the statement in part. “But someone had to give that A-hole a good face punching, and the buck stops here.”
According to reports, Christ delivered a vicious right cross to the Pontiff’s mouth, healed him, then punched him again and left without saying a word. In his press release, Christ made it clear he was not happy with the leader of the Catholic Church.
“Ok, I’m sorry for the language, but this prick is running around hugging Holocaust deniers and telling people in AIDS-ravaged nations that condoms hurt in the fight against HIV. And this d***head is supposed to be speaking for me?”
Reaction from the Christian community was quick, but quickly quelled in divine fashion. Saddleback Church Pastor Rick Warren was the first – and only – religious leader to speak out.
“This is not the Christ I worship,” said Warren. “This is a Christ who refuses to damn homosexuals and obviously refuses to turn the other cheek.”
Warren was quickly rebuked in the form of a lightning strike and locust attack. Those near Warren at the time said they could clearly hear a voice ringing out from the heavens, which stated “Drive this purpose, Bitch.”
Christ gave no word on when the true Second Coming would take place, but stated that if humanity continues down its current path, it could be quite some time.
“This f***neck walks around in his mansion wearing ridiculous outfits,” wrote an apparently peeved Savior. “And then he has the nerve to judge others? This is just ridiculous.”
While Christ saved most his venom for the Pope and the Catholic Church, he also chastised Catholics and Christians around the globe.
“Did no one see the memo about worshiping false gods,” the statement read. “Seriously, people are freaking dying of hunger and you people are worshiping this clown? And what’s the deal with saying so many prayers to my Mom? She’s great and all, but I’m a f***ing God, people. Hellloo???”
Hours after Jesus’s second career ascension to heaven, the Vatican released a short statement of its own, telling followers that “we need your tithing now more than ever.”