Jesus Christ returns to Earth – punches Pope in face, leaves again
March 18, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
Jesus Christ – a leading figure in modern Christianity – returned to Earth today after a nearly 2,000-year hiatus. The Second Coming was cut short, however, as Christ, 37, went directly to the Vatican and punched Pope Benedict XVI square in the mouth. Jesus then ascended back to heaven.
While a bloodied Benedict had no comment, Christ put out a press release shortly before his ascension.
“My children, it is not my time yet,” read the statement in part. “But someone had to give that A-hole a good face punching, and the buck stops here.”
According to reports, Christ delivered a vicious right cross to the Pontiff’s mouth, healed him, then punched him again and left without saying a word. In his press release, Christ made it clear he was not happy with the leader of the Catholic Church.
“Ok, I’m sorry for the language, but this prick is running around hugging Holocaust deniers and telling people in AIDS-ravaged nations that condoms hurt in the fight against HIV. And this dickhead is supposed to be speaking for me?”
Reaction from the Christian community was quick, but quickly quelled in divine fashion. Saddleback Church Pastor Rick Warren was the first – and only – religious leader to speak out.
“This is not the Christ I worship,” said Warren. “This is a Christ who refuses to damn homosexuals and obviously refuses to turn the other cheek.”
Warren was quickly rebuked in the form of a lightning strike and locust attack. Those near Warren at the time said they could clearly hear a voice ringing out from the heavens, which stated “Drive this purpose, Bitch.”
Christ gave no word on when the true Second Coming would take place, but stated that if humanity continues down its current path, it could be quite some time.
“This fuckneck walks around in his mansion wearing ridiculous outfits,” wrote an apparently peeved Savior. “And then he has the nerve to judge others? This is just ridiculous.”
While Christ saved most his venom for the Pope and the Catholic Church, he also chastised Catholics and Christians around the globe.
“Did no one see the memo about worshiping false gods,” the statement read. “Seriously, people are freaking dying of hunger and you people are worshiping this clown? And what’s the deal with saying so many prayers to my Mom? She’s great and all, but I’m a fucking God, people. Hellloo???”
Hours after Jesus’s second career ascension to heaven, the Vatican released a short statement of its own, telling followers that “we need your tithing now more than ever.”
–WKW
LOL LOL LOL!
Oh! *sniffle*
I really have to go to sleep now!
The can stop the Pulitzer & Nobel voting today, cuz I’m pretty sure we done gots ourselfs the best hunk o’ writin’ we’re gonna read all year right here.
Christ delivered a vicious right cross to the Pontiff’s mouth, healed him, then punched him again …
I don’t care how rich you’re getting off your writing, WKW, you’re not getting paid nearly enough for giving words like these to the world.
what is this “paid” that you speak of?
Thanks, Hugh. I stand by my claim that what cows were for Gary Larsen, Jesus is for me.
I’m surprised Benedict didn’t crack his skull on Jesus’ enormous fist. Jesus was enormous, you know.
says it all… ratzo is just so ratzo no other approach is any use…
what cows were for Gary Larsen…
You do give good Jesus, Bill.
Also? That’s not a phrase I really ever expected to need.
Bill has the right idea about Christ’s opinion of the religious aristocracy.
Matthew 23:27-28
Luke 20:45-47
That is great! Ratzo needs a good kick in the ass.
This? Is about 247239 kinds of awesome. You rock.
“And what’s the deal with saying so many prayers to my Mom?”
Yeah, seriously. It’s such an insult to womanhood that the entire Christian religion’s only stand-in for a Goddess figure (she doesn’t even get full ranks) is so only on the virtue of having cheated on her husband with God.
And, any of us who point out such get accused of being in league with their god of evil and destruction. Nothing makes my eyes roll faster than being told “X is devil worship.” No, in order to worship a god from YOUR religion, I have to believe in YOUR religion. Having a different religion means I have my own ideas about god(s) and don’t put much stock in yours, by definition. Not everything is about you, Christians my dears!
Anyway, this is an amazing post, and the picture caps it off perfectly. I can’t decide if it’s that I have no problems with Christianity, only Christians, or no problems with Christians, only Christianity, but I do notice a definite difference between the ones I find to be good and spiritual and moral people, and people like the Pope here who, I think, are going to have some serious answering to do when they finally meet their maker (regardless of His/Her/Its/Their true face or identity).
[...] William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Jesus Christ returns to Earth – punches Pope in face, leaves again “My children, it is not my time yet,” read the statement in part. “But someone had to give that A-hole a good face punching, and the buck stops here.” (tags: christianity funny vatican) [...]
Apparently Jesus wanted to save me money on airfare, cause when I heard about the Africa/condom issue, I decided I would have to go slap-a-pope, now I don’t have to.
(…But I still might…)
This article made my day, great work!
[...] In the past, I’ve called the Catholic Church ‘evil,’ I’ve accused them of catering to Skinheads, I’ve envisioned a world where Jesus came back to Earth for the sole purpose of face-punching the Pope, and made a series of random attacks against Catholics. [...]
please pore respect to Jesus Christ
Best piece I’ve read all week!
This is beyond epic. This is legendary. With a capital LEGENDARY.
Well done. I’m not Christian, but if I were, this is the Christ I could get behind. Thank you for sharing this with the world.
There is no god. Get over it. Think for yourself instead.
The author is a pansy. I wonder if he has the balls to make fun of the Moslems?
As Gandhi said I like your Christ but I do not like your Christians. Or as my bumper sticker says, Lord protect me from your followers.
I literally laughed out loud
I am discussed not only with the author but the people whom listed these comments,
Why did you not say what you really feel in the first place.
The pope is a dickhead, how could a man that claims that promiscuous sex is a sin, This from a man and his clan that cant get any, sorry wrong, they do like little boys.
Thanks for the comments and kind words, all. Just curious what site gave the link you all followed to get to this post? Thanks ahead of time, and thanks again for dropping by.
FUCKING HILARIOUS…
This is so freakin funny. I loved this!
WKK Your article was Stumble! ‘d and we have found you this way. Glad I dropped by, thanks for the satire!
Awesome story. So much better that the fairy tales that are preached by the religious freaks of nature. I found my way to this post the the great and powerful Stumble-upon.
Glad you all stopped by, as well, and thanks for the kind words. And all hail the Power of Stumbling
I’m an atheist, and even I think that this is fucking awesome!! Something tells me that you are the good kind of christian, you know the kind that thinks about what they believe. As to how i found this, all hail the Stumble button.
Oh, priceless! If only it would happen!
I’m gonna print this out and stick it in my Grandma’s prayer book. This is without a doubt the best satirical piece of writing I’ve read in a looong time.
Stumbled in here, and this is some funny shit!
That’s a second coming I can believe in.
I’d imagine that this is probably a pretty realistic vision of the second coming.
Sent here by a person from xkcd’s IRC channel.
Bloody amazing.
Loved it where the Big J man punched him in the mouth. And healed him. AND THEN PUNCHED HIM IN THE MOUTH AGAIN ! That is fucking brilliant, thank you !
This small succinct morsel of satire is packed with your whole day’s supply of 11 important satiric nutrients PLUS irony. So much concentrated win here the meter is pinned…buried the needle as Egon would say. Hail the Fightin’ Jesus as found in the Book of the Subgenius. Watch out, Nazi popes and other hegemonists! The right cross is coming for you next!
All Hail Eris
sacredchao
This sums up everything I feel about the catholic church.
“Phil E. Drifter Says:
April 18th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
There is no god. Get over it. Think for yourself instead.”
To me it doesn’t matter if there’s a God or not. I don’t believe in WORSHIP. And even if I did, any God who wants to be worshipped isn’t worth worshipping anyway.
Stumbled!
I love finding amazing posts like this! I’ll give it a thumbs up and maybe show a few friends.
STUMBLED and I’m glad I did :O)
Hahaha! Pretty damn funny and totally accurate.
Didn’t like the party where he called Mary a “fucking clown”…that took away from the humor for me. But funny as shit up to that point!
Didn’t like the party where he called Mary a “fucking clown”…that took away from the humor for me. But funny as shit up to that point!
I think you misread, he was referring to the Pope in that line, with Mary introduced in the next line (which I used because I’ve heard non-Catholic Christians more or less say the same thing).
Regardless, thanks
I got a link through an atheist email group where I live. How do I get more of your humor. New York Times? They actually print this? Seems a bit far fetched.
Thanks
David
David, the links about “Wolfrum in the News” are where I have been mentioned. The NYT link is to a story I was mentioned in and interviewed for. I have thought about starting a newsletter, but, then again, I think about a lot of things and usually spend most my time writing. You can find Satire and/or Atheism-themed stories here:
http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/category/atheism/
http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/category/satire/
And thanks
Another Jesus appearance, for those interested:
http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/2009/04/28/tiberius-no-investigations-in-jesus-christ-advanced-crucifixion-techniques-case/
[...] In the first place I wanted to add Bill Wolfrum’s article Jesus Christ returns to Earth – punches Pope in face, leaves again in my upcoming list of favorites of the week, but I feel this topic deserves a little more attention. In this and other articles Bill describes undeniable facts about the damage this Pope Benedict XVI is causing. [...]
That was hilarious! Great stuff! The Stumble button scores again!
atta boy jebus
Yeah whatever. The plan is to get you disillusioned freaks to go against God. It starts with slick sites like this one.
This is great! funniest thing I’ve ever read.
[...] This is not how most people picture the 2nd coming of Jesus – “Drive this purpose bitch” [...]
best stumble evah
I think the author is a moron. Can’t the web have better sites to offer the public. Author: “Hey I think I will make fun of a religion today!” Doy
I’m a christian, and this is exactly what I believe Jesus would do if he were here on earth. Maybe not with that kind of language, exactly, cause I doubt they have slang in heaven, but probably the jist of it.
Jesus ran into churches that were being used to sell people things and make money off of poor people and tore the places to shreds. He publically renounced people who made a show of being ultra-religious so that they could have a better social standing. He was strikingly appallled at the works of hypocrites who would so twist his message for their own selfish and evil desires.
I am a christian. We’re not all judgemental people. I love the homosexuals, I vote democrat, I believe I’m no better than all of you (and probably worse, since I’m supposed to remember to live as Jesus did, which is a hard but worthy goal,) and THAT is the kind of Christ I follow. Bravo!
PS
If I could Like this twice, I would. But alas.
i loved it. autumn sky is a christian i could see having coffee with. i’m an atheist and this article points out exactly why i don’t follow a religion i was raised in. i was still quite small when i started asking questions and i never got a truly straight answer. ever. and i did try other churches, too. certainly wasn’t for a lack of desire but then i grew up. you can be a fine human being without religious. thank god for satire.
I’m exactly like Autumn Sky. WKW, have you seen this on topic video. ALMOST as funny as your post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxq2s93QffM
I’ll forgive him from nicking from my “The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ” which I believe was the first post Mike ever linked to at C&L.
Seriously, tho, Andy Cobb is quite brilliant.
[...] Words © William K. Wolfrum. Original here. [...]
Jesus did return…
…and you shot him.
I am christian, and like Autumn Sky I would love to hit like twice for this one. Thank you stumble for bringing me here, which could only have been the will of god, right? These are the sentiments Jesus would have with so much of the world today. He was and is an awesome guy, would have torn apart (not literally…) the Bill O’Reillys and the other idiots who claim to speak for me. Fuck no, I listen to one man only, and he has a mean right hook.
warren is the king o douchbags who wears fucking turtlenecks and thinks all blk makes his fat ass look slim. i hope he goes to jail for demogaugary and gets ass raped for divine retribution.
[...] ROME, Italy — Scientific tests of bones housed in the Basilica of St. Paul in Rome are those of the apostle St. Paul himself, according to Pope Benedict XVI, thus proving once and for all that the pontiff is utterly full of crap. [...]
Awesome… simply awesome! Thank you!
SO friggin hilarious! Thanks for the belly laugh ~ haven’t had one of those in a while!!
Great stuff, thumbs up for you man ))
STumbled in… great story, Jesus is the man!
To Mr. Steve Rogers,
That’s MS. Disillusioned Freak to you! Sounds like a good name for a band.
To be fair condoms DO hurt the fight against AIDS, but only because so many people who should damn well know better keep saying they prevent HIV infection.
Don’t believe me? Ask a doctor if a condom is enough protection when having sex with someone whom you know to be infected. When (s)he says no, ask yourself if it’s enough protection when having sex with someone who may or may not be infected.
And yeah, I do believe that the Pope (and most of his predecessors) are in serious trouble come Judgment Day, but that’s between them and the God they’ve been blaspheming for the last 1600 years.
This Catholic hates mariolatry too.
Damn! This is the best thing I’ve read in ages. I wish I had your creativity.
ha ha, funny stuff yo! fellow stumblers.
Autumn Sky = Win.
You really should send this to the hard core christians
Reason just to piss them off!
What kind of heresy is this?
you should keep this image any longer, If you don’t respect God because you don’t believe, at least have respect for us the believe.. that is the difference between believers and no believers, we wouldn’t disrespect your father.. please don’t disrespect ours.
I’ll pray for you….
Great work
I love this kind of biting satire
And anyone who says he wouldn’t?
Read what Jesus did to those trading money inside the Temple of God…he flipped the tables and drove them out of there.
Dare you post stupid messages like this, Dont play with the living god. He will come again for sure to judge shit people like you.
Sorry, just not that funny. This was an inaccurate portrayal of both the Pope and what Catholics believe (we Catholics do NOT worship the Pope, duh; and as far as prayers to Mary, they are only to ask for HER prayers to God. Catholics don’t worship her, either). Attempts at humor are only funny when accurate, otherwise they come off as bigotry against the target.
STOP making fun of God he has the power to do anything just remember that he can punish u however bad he wants to until you ALL learn not to make fun of somebody like GOD just STOP before its too late
P.S Jesus got mad and turned the tables because people back then turned the church into a marketplace which is NOT what a church is built for
Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant! This portrays what i hate about religion. I have no problems with people believing whatever they so wish to believe in. But when you get people at the top, people like the pope, who lie and deceive it is wrong. To any catholics out there who complain about this saying they wouldnt disrespect others beliefs, tell me what exactly is it then that the pope is doing when he PUBLICLY speaks out against homosexuals and rock music? I say fuck the pope.
Oh anyone who really wants to piss off a christian tell them to look up the ORIGINAL sciptures of the bible- before english translation. In the book of genesis the word that has been translated into God in modern english bibles is “elohim” which actually translates as “the gods” – PLURAL! This is backed up by a passage in the Gospel of St John which says “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God” where “the Word” refers to a well known phrase in the era of St John that he would have expected people to understand as the seven gods from the sun (planetary gods seen in all ancient religions). explain how that fits into a monotheism.
Anyway like i said amazing article. And praise be the almighty powers of stumble!
This is fantastic. Really good work! And really, who wouldn’t want to okay with a deity who’d punch people like these jerkwads in the mouth?
Want to okay with? Be okay with. Sorry, end of year lack of concentration.
I don’t know what’s written on this article but i was disturbed by the image. As of follower of Jesus Christ, I believe creating such an image was unnecessary. Please erase them now…
I have nothing against whoever wrote this since every follower is called for peace, but I’m telling you Jesus loves us all and I don’t think creating this picture was a good idea. I hope you would love Jesus Christ back. He is our true Lord and Savior…
[...] want a Holy war, you got it,” said Christ, 37. “Now, we have to get bullets with little Bible citations on [...]
Jesus Christ himself FUCK that is not sure. It is from Anti-christ, He puts on your mind, You are now the child of Satan who is your father. So if you decide to accept Christ your Savior, you will know about His Gospel in the Power Name of Christ your Lord, you will be the wonderful child of God in “John 1:12″ We pray for your life in Christ. If you refuse to accept Christ, ok respect your own decision. Show you the God’s Word in Luke 23:34 And Jesus said “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
[...] for comment, Jesus Christ Almighty said Rove’s divorce – one in a long line of divorces from prominent [...]