Jesus Christ returns to Earth – punches Pope in face, leaves again

March 18, 2009 by  

Jesus Christ – a leading figure in modern Christianity – returned to Earth today after a nearly 2,000-year hiatus. The Second Coming was cut short, however, as Christ, 37, went directly to the Vatican and punched Pope Benedict XVI square in the mouth. Jesus then ascended back to heaven.

While a bloodied Benedict had no comment, Christ put out a press release shortly before his ascension.

“My children, it is not my time yet,” read the statement in part. “But someone had to give that A-hole a good face punching, and the buck stops here.”

According to reports, Christ delivered a vicious right cross to the Pontiff’s mouth, healed him, then punched him again and left without saying a word. In his press release, Christ made it clear he was not happy with the leader of the Catholic Church.

“Ok, I’m sorry for the language, but this prick is running around hugging Holocaust deniers and telling people in AIDS-ravaged nations that condoms hurt in the fight against HIV. And this d***head is supposed to be speaking for me?”

Reaction from the Christian community was quick, but quickly quelled in divine fashion. Saddleback Church Pastor Rick Warren was the first – and only – religious leader to speak out.

“This is not the Christ I worship,” said Warren. “This is a Christ who refuses to damn homosexuals and obviously refuses to turn the other cheek.”

Warren was quickly rebuked in the form of a lightning strike and locust attack. Those near Warren at the time said they could clearly hear a voice ringing out from the heavens, which stated “Drive this purpose, Bitch.”

Christ gave no word on when the true Second Coming would take place, but stated that if humanity continues down its current path, it could be quite some time.

“This f***neck walks around in his mansion wearing ridiculous outfits,” wrote an apparently peeved Savior. “And then he has the nerve to judge others? This is just ridiculous.”

While Christ saved most his venom for the Pope and the Catholic Church, he also chastised Catholics and Christians around the globe.

“Did no one see the memo about worshiping false gods,” the statement read. “Seriously, people are freaking dying of hunger and you people are worshiping this clown? And what’s the deal with saying so many prayers to my Mom? She’s great and all, but I’m a f***ing God, people. Hellloo???”

Hours after Jesus’s second career ascension to heaven, the Vatican released a short statement of its own, telling followers that “we need your tithing now more than ever.”

-WKW

Comments

104 Responses to “Jesus Christ returns to Earth – punches Pope in face, leaves again”

  1. Ouyang Dan on March 18th, 2009 8:28 am

    LOL LOL LOL!

    Oh! *sniffle*

    I really have to go to sleep now!

  2. hugh.c.mcbride on March 18th, 2009 9:35 am

    The can stop the Pulitzer & Nobel voting today, cuz I’m pretty sure we done gots ourselfs the best hunk o’ writin’ we’re gonna read all year right here.

    Christ delivered a vicious right cross to the Pontiff’s mouth, healed him, then punched him again …

    I don’t care how rich you’re getting off your writing, WKW, you’re not getting paid nearly enough for giving words like these to the world.

  3. William K. Wolfrum on March 18th, 2009 10:18 am

    what is this “paid” that you speak of?

    ;)

    Thanks, Hugh. I stand by my claim that what cows were for Gary Larsen, Jesus is for me. ;)

  4. Michael on March 18th, 2009 10:24 am

    I’m surprised Benedict didn’t crack his skull on Jesus’ enormous fist. Jesus was enormous, you know.

  5. hjmler on March 18th, 2009 7:48 pm

    says it all… ratzo is just so ratzo no other approach is any use…

  6. Jennifer on March 18th, 2009 8:00 pm

    what cows were for Gary Larsen…

    You do give good Jesus, Bill.

    Also? That’s not a phrase I really ever expected to need.

  7. dgun on March 18th, 2009 9:49 pm

    Bill has the right idea about Christ’s opinion of the religious aristocracy.

    Matthew 23:27-28

    Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

    Luke 20:45-47

    While all the people were listening, Jesus said to his disciples, “Beware of the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and love to be greeted in the marketplaces and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows’ houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Such men will be punished most severely.”

  8. Terry C - Agnostic on March 19th, 2009 10:41 am

    That is great! Ratzo needs a good kick in the ass.

  9. Nicole on March 19th, 2009 12:46 pm

    This? Is about 247239 kinds of awesome. You rock.

  10. SugarLeigh on March 22nd, 2009 11:01 am

    “And what’s the deal with saying so many prayers to my Mom?”

    Yeah, seriously. It’s such an insult to womanhood that the entire Christian religion’s only stand-in for a Goddess figure (she doesn’t even get full ranks) is so only on the virtue of having cheated on her husband with God.

    And, any of us who point out such get accused of being in league with their god of evil and destruction. Nothing makes my eyes roll faster than being told “X is devil worship.” No, in order to worship a god from YOUR religion, I have to believe in YOUR religion. Having a different religion means I have my own ideas about god(s) and don’t put much stock in yours, by definition. Not everything is about you, Christians my dears!

    Anyway, this is an amazing post, and the picture caps it off perfectly. I can’t decide if it’s that I have no problems with Christianity, only Christians, or no problems with Christians, only Christianity, but I do notice a definite difference between the ones I find to be good and spiritual and moral people, and people like the Pope here who, I think, are going to have some serious answering to do when they finally meet their maker (regardless of His/Her/Its/Their true face or identity).

  11. links for 2009-03-23 « Embololalia on March 23rd, 2009 10:23 am

    [...] William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Jesus Christ returns to Earth – punches Pope in face, leaves again “My children, it is not my time yet,” read the statement in part. “But someone had to give that A-hole a good face punching, and the buck stops here.” (tags: christianity funny vatican) [...]

  12. Fen on March 25th, 2009 6:55 pm

    Apparently Jesus wanted to save me money on airfare, cause when I heard about the Africa/condom issue, I decided I would have to go slap-a-pope, now I don’t have to.

    (…But I still might…)

  13. Jobe on March 29th, 2009 2:28 am

    This article made my day, great work!

  14. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Catholic stayed I” on March 30th, 2009 11:49 am

    [...] In the past, I’ve called the Catholic Church ‘evil,’ I’ve accused them of catering to Skinheads, I’ve envisioned a world where Jesus came back to Earth for the sole purpose of face-punching the Pope, and made a series of random attacks against Catholics. [...]

  15. marco on April 4th, 2009 10:34 pm

    please pore respect to Jesus Christ

  16. Michael H on April 18th, 2009 3:04 pm

    Best piece I’ve read all week!

  17. CitrusKnight on April 18th, 2009 4:52 pm

    This is beyond epic. This is legendary. With a capital LEGENDARY.

    Well done. I’m not Christian, but if I were, this is the Christ I could get behind. Thank you for sharing this with the world.

  18. Phil E. Drifter on April 18th, 2009 6:20 pm

    There is no god. Get over it. Think for yourself instead.

  19. Kilgore Trout on April 19th, 2009 2:29 am

    The author is a pansy. I wonder if he has the balls to make fun of the Moslems?

  20. Dragonrider on April 19th, 2009 4:07 pm

    As Gandhi said I like your Christ but I do not like your Christians. Or as my bumper sticker says, Lord protect me from your followers.

  21. Lord of Numa on April 19th, 2009 5:04 pm

    I literally laughed out loud

  22. a arnold on April 19th, 2009 6:07 pm

    I am discussed not only with the author but the people whom listed these comments,

    Why did you not say what you really feel in the first place.

    The pope is a dickhead, how could a man that claims that promiscuous sex is a sin, This from a man and his clan that cant get any, sorry wrong, they do like little boys.

  23. William K. Wolfrum on April 19th, 2009 6:25 pm

    Thanks for the comments and kind words, all. Just curious what site gave the link you all followed to get to this post? Thanks ahead of time, and thanks again for dropping by.

  24. tia on April 19th, 2009 7:57 pm

    FUCKING HILARIOUS…

  25. tui on April 19th, 2009 8:06 pm

    This is so freakin funny. I loved this!

  26. eelpie on April 20th, 2009 10:13 am

    WKK Your article was Stumble! ‘d and we have found you this way. Glad I dropped by, thanks for the satire!

  27. Dan on April 20th, 2009 10:21 am

    Awesome story. So much better that the fairy tales that are preached by the religious freaks of nature. I found my way to this post the the great and powerful Stumble-upon.

  28. William K. Wolfrum on April 20th, 2009 11:00 am

    Glad you all stopped by, as well, and thanks for the kind words. And all hail the Power of Stumbling ;)

  29. Joe on April 20th, 2009 6:00 pm

    I’m an atheist, and even I think that this is fucking awesome!! Something tells me that you are the good kind of christian, you know the kind that thinks about what they believe. As to how i found this, all hail the Stumble button.

  30. Framtonm on April 20th, 2009 7:03 pm

    Oh, priceless! If only it would happen!

  31. Fuzzy on April 20th, 2009 7:34 pm

    I’m gonna print this out and stick it in my Grandma’s prayer book. This is without a doubt the best satirical piece of writing I’ve read in a looong time.

  32. pookie on April 20th, 2009 8:27 pm

    Stumbled in here, and this is some funny shit!
    That’s a second coming I can believe in.

  33. Joe on April 20th, 2009 10:36 pm

    I’d imagine that this is probably a pretty realistic vision of the second coming.

  34. Kalium on April 21st, 2009 7:24 am

    Sent here by a person from xkcd’s IRC channel.

    Bloody amazing.

  35. Trevor on April 21st, 2009 1:25 pm

    Loved it where the Big J man punched him in the mouth. And healed him. AND THEN PUNCHED HIM IN THE MOUTH AGAIN ! That is fucking brilliant, thank you !

  36. sacredchao on April 22nd, 2009 6:09 pm

    This small succinct morsel of satire is packed with your whole day’s supply of 11 important satiric nutrients PLUS irony. So much concentrated win here the meter is pinned…buried the needle as Egon would say. Hail the Fightin’ Jesus as found in the Book of the Subgenius. Watch out, Nazi popes and other hegemonists! The right cross is coming for you next!

    All Hail Eris

    sacredchao

  37. oy on April 22nd, 2009 6:58 pm

    This sums up everything I feel about the catholic church.

  38. Weshtery on April 23rd, 2009 6:31 am

    “Phil E. Drifter Says:
    April 18th, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    There is no god. Get over it. Think for yourself instead.”

    To me it doesn’t matter if there’s a God or not. I don’t believe in WORSHIP. And even if I did, any God who wants to be worshipped isn’t worth worshipping anyway.

  39. atheist ally on April 24th, 2009 5:52 am

    Stumbled!

    I love finding amazing posts like this! I’ll give it a thumbs up and maybe show a few friends. :)

  40. Sueper on April 24th, 2009 2:17 pm

    STUMBLED and I’m glad I did :O)

  41. Andy on April 26th, 2009 7:08 pm

    Hahaha! Pretty damn funny and totally accurate.

    Didn’t like the party where he called Mary a “fucking clown”…that took away from the humor for me. But funny as shit up to that point!

  42. William K. Wolfrum on April 26th, 2009 7:11 pm

    Didn’t like the party where he called Mary a “fucking clown”…that took away from the humor for me. But funny as shit up to that point!

    I think you misread, he was referring to the Pope in that line, with Mary introduced in the next line (which I used because I’ve heard non-Catholic Christians more or less say the same thing).

    Regardless, thanks :)

  43. David on April 27th, 2009 8:45 pm

    I got a link through an atheist email group where I live. How do I get more of your humor. New York Times? They actually print this? Seems a bit far fetched.

    Thanks
    David

  44. William K. Wolfrum on April 28th, 2009 11:22 am

    David, the links about “Wolfrum in the News” are where I have been mentioned. The NYT link is to a story I was mentioned in and interviewed for. I have thought about starting a newsletter, but, then again, I think about a lot of things and usually spend most my time writing. You can find Satire and/or Atheism-themed stories here:

    http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/category/atheism/

    http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/category/satire/

    And thanks

  45. William K. Wolfrum on April 28th, 2009 2:42 pm
  46. Worse Pope Ever! | Mario Live! on April 29th, 2009 12:21 pm

    [...] In the first place I wanted to add Bill Wolfrum’s article Jesus Christ returns to Earth – punches Pope in face, leaves again in my upcoming list of favorites of the week, but I feel this topic deserves a little more attention. In this and other articles Bill describes undeniable facts about the damage this Pope Benedict XVI is causing. [...]

  47. Me on April 29th, 2009 1:08 pm

    That was hilarious! Great stuff! The Stumble button scores again!

  48. green being on April 30th, 2009 11:17 am

    atta boy jebus

  49. Steve Rogers on May 3rd, 2009 1:58 am

    Yeah whatever. The plan is to get you disillusioned freaks to go against God. It starts with slick sites like this one.

  50. Jane Sample on May 6th, 2009 6:19 pm

    This is great! funniest thing I’ve ever read.

  51. Great things other people have written « Dear Jane Sample on May 7th, 2009 4:23 am

    [...] This is not how most people picture the 2nd coming of Jesus – “Drive this purpose bitch” [...]

  52. Ridvederch on May 8th, 2009 2:16 pm

    best stumble evah

  53. John J. Obrien on May 8th, 2009 5:28 pm

    I think the author is a moron. Can’t the web have better sites to offer the public. Author: “Hey I think I will make fun of a religion today!” Doy

  54. Autumn Sky on May 10th, 2009 6:05 pm

    I’m a christian, and this is exactly what I believe Jesus would do if he were here on earth. Maybe not with that kind of language, exactly, cause I doubt they have slang in heaven, but probably the jist of it.

    Jesus ran into churches that were being used to sell people things and make money off of poor people and tore the places to shreds. He publically renounced people who made a show of being ultra-religious so that they could have a better social standing. He was strikingly appallled at the works of hypocrites who would so twist his message for their own selfish and evil desires.

    I am a christian. We’re not all judgemental people. I love the homosexuals, I vote democrat, I believe I’m no better than all of you (and probably worse, since I’m supposed to remember to live as Jesus did, which is a hard but worthy goal,) and THAT is the kind of Christ I follow. Bravo!

  55. Autumn Sky on May 10th, 2009 6:06 pm

    PS

    If I could Like this twice, I would. But alas.

  56. gina94984 on May 12th, 2009 4:20 pm

    i loved it. autumn sky is a christian i could see having coffee with. i’m an atheist and this article points out exactly why i don’t follow a religion i was raised in. i was still quite small when i started asking questions and i never got a truly straight answer. ever. and i did try other churches, too. certainly wasn’t for a lack of desire but then i grew up. you can be a fine human being without religious. thank god for satire.

  57. Blue Gal on May 24th, 2009 4:49 am

    I’m exactly like Autumn Sky. WKW, have you seen this on topic video. ALMOST as funny as your post.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxq2s93QffM

  58. William K. Wolfrum on May 24th, 2009 5:10 am

    I’ll forgive him from nicking from my “The Swiftboating of Jesus H. Christ” which I believe was the first post Mike ever linked to at C&L.

    Seriously, tho, Andy Cobb is quite brilliant.

  59. Can we have our planet back? on May 24th, 2009 5:42 am

    [...] Words © William K. Wolfrum. Original here. [...]

  60. Milander on May 28th, 2009 2:44 am

    Jesus did return…

    …and you shot him.

  61. Sanctimonius on June 23rd, 2009 6:12 am

    I am christian, and like Autumn Sky I would love to hit like twice for this one. Thank you stumble for bringing me here, which could only have been the will of god, right? These are the sentiments Jesus would have with so much of the world today. He was and is an awesome guy, would have torn apart (not literally…) the Bill O’Reillys and the other idiots who claim to speak for me. Fuck no, I listen to one man only, and he has a mean right hook.

  62. MBSS on June 27th, 2009 5:24 pm

    warren is the king o douchbags who wears fucking turtlenecks and thinks all blk makes his fat ass look slim. i hope he goes to jail for demogaugary and gets ass raped for divine retribution.

  63. William K. Wolfrum Chronicles » Blog Archive » Scientific testing proves Pope Benedict XVI utterly full of crap on June 29th, 2009 1:22 pm

    [...] ROME, Italy — Scientific tests of bones housed in the Basilica of St. Paul in Rome are those of the apostle St. Paul himself, according to Pope Benedict XVI, thus proving once and for all that the pontiff is utterly full of crap. [...]

  64. Michael L on July 5th, 2009 2:13 pm

    Awesome… simply awesome! Thank you!

  65. Sharon T on July 9th, 2009 1:20 pm

    SO friggin hilarious! Thanks for the belly laugh ~ haven’t had one of those in a while!!

  66. none on July 12th, 2009 10:53 am

    Great stuff, thumbs up for you man ))

  67. Mitch on July 14th, 2009 2:39 pm

    STumbled in… great story, Jesus is the man!

  68. Disillusioned Freak on July 18th, 2009 2:54 am

    To Mr. Steve Rogers,

    That’s MS. Disillusioned Freak to you! Sounds like a good name for a band.

  69. Bugaboo on July 18th, 2009 5:18 pm

    To be fair condoms DO hurt the fight against AIDS, but only because so many people who should damn well know better keep saying they prevent HIV infection.

    Don’t believe me? Ask a doctor if a condom is enough protection when having sex with someone whom you know to be infected. When (s)he says no, ask yourself if it’s enough protection when having sex with someone who may or may not be infected.

    And yeah, I do believe that the Pope (and most of his predecessors) are in serious trouble come Judgment Day, but that’s between them and the God they’ve been blaspheming for the last 1600 years.

  70. Isabeau on July 19th, 2009 6:26 am

    This Catholic hates mariolatry too.

  71. EvilGod on July 26th, 2009 3:12 am

    Damn! This is the best thing I’ve read in ages. I wish I had your creativity.

  72. ellev8r on August 12th, 2009 2:28 pm

    ha ha, funny stuff yo! fellow stumblers.

  73. Bakedpotatoes on August 31st, 2009 2:26 pm

    Autumn Sky = Win.

  74. Robert on September 29th, 2009 2:09 pm

    You really should send this to the hard core christians
    Reason just to piss them off!

  75. Alex on September 29th, 2009 6:50 pm

    What kind of heresy is this?

    you should keep this image any longer, If you don’t respect God because you don’t believe, at least have respect for us the believe.. that is the difference between believers and no believers, we wouldn’t disrespect your father.. please don’t disrespect ours.
    I’ll pray for you….

  76. The Common Sense Eccentric on October 5th, 2009 4:34 pm

    Great work

    I love this kind of biting satire
    And anyone who says he wouldn’t?
    Read what Jesus did to those trading money inside the Temple of God…he flipped the tables and drove them out of there.

  77. olive on October 12th, 2009 6:19 am

    Dare you post stupid messages like this, Dont play with the living god. He will come again for sure to judge shit people like you.

  78. Tim on October 17th, 2009 8:27 pm

    Sorry, just not that funny. This was an inaccurate portrayal of both the Pope and what Catholics believe (we Catholics do NOT worship the Pope, duh; and as far as prayers to Mary, they are only to ask for HER prayers to God. Catholics don’t worship her, either). Attempts at humor are only funny when accurate, otherwise they come off as bigotry against the target.

  79. T.J on November 8th, 2009 3:45 pm

    STOP making fun of God he has the power to do anything just remember that he can punish u however bad he wants to until you ALL learn not to make fun of somebody like GOD just STOP before its too late

    P.S Jesus got mad and turned the tables because people back then turned the church into a marketplace which is NOT what a church is built for

  80. Nathan on November 11th, 2009 10:33 am

    Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant! This portrays what i hate about religion. I have no problems with people believing whatever they so wish to believe in. But when you get people at the top, people like the pope, who lie and deceive it is wrong. To any catholics out there who complain about this saying they wouldnt disrespect others beliefs, tell me what exactly is it then that the pope is doing when he PUBLICLY speaks out against homosexuals and rock music? I say fuck the pope.

    Oh anyone who really wants to piss off a christian tell them to look up the ORIGINAL sciptures of the bible- before english translation. In the book of genesis the word that has been translated into God in modern english bibles is “elohim” which actually translates as “the gods” – PLURAL! This is backed up by a passage in the Gospel of St John which says “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God” where “the Word” refers to a well known phrase in the era of St John that he would have expected people to understand as the seven gods from the sun (planetary gods seen in all ancient religions). explain how that fits into a monotheism.

    Anyway like i said amazing article. And praise be the almighty powers of stumble!

  81. YTAH on December 23rd, 2009 4:30 am

    This is fantastic. Really good work! And really, who wouldn’t want to okay with a deity who’d punch people like these jerkwads in the mouth?

  82. YTAH on December 23rd, 2009 4:41 am

    Want to okay with? Be okay with. Sorry, end of year lack of concentration.

  83. Jesus Christ is Lord on January 1st, 2010 8:47 pm

    I don’t know what’s written on this article but i was disturbed by the image. As of follower of Jesus Christ, I believe creating such an image was unnecessary. Please erase them now…
    I have nothing against whoever wrote this since every follower is called for peace, but I’m telling you Jesus loves us all and I don’t think creating this picture was a good idea. I hope you would love Jesus Christ back. He is our true Lord and Savior… :)

  84. Jesus Christ joins Marines to get his message out : William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on January 20th, 2010 5:11 am

    [...] want a Holy war, you got it,” said Christ, 37. “Now, we have to get bullets with little Bible citations on [...]

  85. julius garciandrada on January 21st, 2010 9:00 pm

    Jesus Christ himself FUCK that is not sure. It is from Anti-christ, He puts on your mind, You are now the child of Satan who is your father. So if you decide to accept Christ your Savior, you will know about His Gospel in the Power Name of Christ your Lord, you will be the wonderful child of God in “John 1:12″ We pray for your life in Christ. If you refuse to accept Christ, ok respect your own decision. Show you the God’s Word in Luke 23:34 And Jesus said “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

  86. Jesus Christ: Karl Rove’s divorce destroys the Sanctity of Marriage : William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on February 3rd, 2010 5:08 am

    [...] for comment, Jesus Christ Almighty said Rove’s divorce – one in a long line of divorces from prominent [...]

  87. gene brown on February 18th, 2010 6:47 pm

    your about pathetic to even think of this may you feel the wrath of god ………
    micah 9:7 Because I have sinned against him,
    I will bear the LORD’s wrath,
    until he pleads my case
    and establishes my right.
    He will bring me out into the light;
    I will see his righteousness.
    be respectfull for wat people believe in if u dont believe in him u are crazy…..one day god will get the last laugh u inconsiderate son of satan…GET A LIFE.

  88. William K. Wolfrum on February 19th, 2010 4:07 am

    You misspelled “your.” Thus, you’re entire argument is now worthless.

  89. Jesus sees picture of himself on tortilla chip « Atheism « William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on March 22nd, 2010 9:41 am

    [...] – Jesus Christ Almighty was making himself and his followers a quick bite to eat when he noticed something amazing [...]

  90. TLZTP on June 13th, 2010 2:30 am

    Err, Okay? Am I missing somthing here? Seriously? This is funny?? I must have missed that one. Maybe I was too busy ACTUALLY READING THE FUCKING ARTICLE as opposed to thinking “HAHA wow look at the heading. Jesus is a fucking badass punching the Pope. FUCK CHRISTIANITY! ATHIESM FTW!!”

    Seriously, the only reason I can think of for such praise for this pretty poor excuse for a comedy article is that every comment here is vetted, taking out the “What was this shit” ones and replacing it with the “OMG PURE GENIOUS LOL” instead.

    OOH AND LOOK AT THAT, THE WRITER IS WEIGHING IN WITH HIS ARGUMENTS. YOU SPELT “YOUR” WRONG!? OMG YOU MUST BE AN IDIOT NO CLEVER PERSON EVER MADE A TYPO BEFORE.

    Being a Christian myself, I’m fully aware that we can be far too self righteous, but did you ever stop to think of it from your point of view? Every comment here praising this article has been in the form of “I hate Christianity, and so does this. I LOVE IT!” I think Mr K. Wolfrum needs to learn how to actually be funny, rather than taking a pot shot at a particular demographic and watching how the comments war turns out (although if that was the idea, then kudos, good sir…actually I’m still annoyed at how badly written this was give praise for it).

    PS: if there are any typos in this, then meh. I can’t be bothered spell checking it.

  91. dRock SLimpin on June 17th, 2010 9:01 am

    ahahah. i gotta laugh at all the hypo-christian dicks on here.

    “God will smite you” oh yeah? why didnt he smite bin laden, mussolini, hussien, or bush?

    get back to reality and take responsibility for your actions, don’t put it on some fat, old ass, half-witted monkey in the sky.

    this shit, was fucking hilarious. and i think that the FSM will smite anyone who thinks otherwise

  92. sarah on June 18th, 2010 6:17 am

    Cute, but first of all the articles implies there is a god and he comes to earth. That’s like saying the Queen of Hearts is coming to earth. Nice piece of fiction. An exercise in fantasy. And is the pope really any different than any other church leader. All delusional, all claiming to speak for god, all telling us how to live our lives. All control freaks. The Pope just does it better than the rest. Can we all say baaaa baaaa baaaa.

    For man said: “I am afraid, lonely, confused and do not understand, therefor I will create God”

  93. dgun on June 19th, 2010 4:19 am

    This post is still getting comments over a year later. Deservedly so, I think.

    Here’s another along the same lines from 2008:

    http://www.williamkwolfrum.com/2008/09/08/jesus-christ-quits-christianity-after-viewing-republican-platform/

  94. dave on July 10th, 2010 3:37 am

    are you insane!!!!!!!???? y did you make our Lord a funny thing? f you hate the Catholic religion, then do not interfere them. you are out of the business, you know if Jesus would like to vanished yo, he can do so right now,but because of his love for you he could do it. you time to return to him and convert your life to Jesus.

  95. Tim on July 15th, 2010 6:46 pm

    Read the onion and learn how to do this better. This isn’t funny…Sorry. it just isn’t. It isn’t clever, or subtle, and quite frankly is emulating a parody form that has it so outclassed it’s embarrassing. Do Better.

  96. Felipe on July 17th, 2010 6:32 pm

    Bem, esse texto é típico de cristãos protestantes. Acho que deveria ter o mesmo com pastores corruptos!

    Well, this text is typical of Protestant Christians. I think you should have the same with pastors corrupt!

  97. Flesticle on October 13th, 2010 9:11 am

    There WAS no Jesus
    There IS no Jesus
    There WILL BE no Jesus.

    The fucking story is a MYTH, dammit.

    What a bunch of credulous a-holes. Killing people by the thousands for 2,000 years.

  98. Rincewind on October 16th, 2010 4:49 pm

    No one actually denies the holocaust. It is just an American tool of malevolence against Muslims. It is getting tedious,
    I am white Christian Brit living in the USA, I think it is a God forsaken country.
    In God we trust? In Guns we trust, In oppressive legislation we wallow. With the money garnered from people who have little enough themselves, we console our disappointment at everything not American.
    Apart from, the poor buggers over here that are squeezed of everything they have, to support the mega rich. I mean decent Americans, they suffer at the hands of their own government, like a third world country.

  99. JESUS KING OF KINGS on November 5th, 2010 10:57 am

    It’s very sad to see that there are still people wasting their time on making fun of GOD and the Christ in such a rude way , and I want to thank them for working so hard and giving their valuable time for GOD by making silly pictures !!!!!! I am certain that GOD appreciate all the time given to him!!!!! One advice to all of who posted comments is that you at least start reading the Bible and I recommend to see all the miracles that happened in the world specially in Lebanon that will make you think twice about your faith. Please try to visit this site and at least read the articles about saint charbel’s miracle:

    http://www.marcharbel.com/english.htm

    P.S: Remember always that GOD loves you for who you are and even if you don’t believe in him.

  100. sweta m gohil on November 26th, 2010 3:40 am

    heyyy………! i feel so much angrynesss after seeing d comments on jesus christ. STOP IT N NW ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

  101. ChristReturns on March 3rd, 2011 11:56 am

    Enlightenment is all about lightening-up, people. I wrote a book about it. It’s called, “The End Times Book Of Life.” Basically, Christ returns, and he is unrecognizable… not so much because he has no wings, but mostly… he doesn’t have a sanctimonious bone in his body.

  102. romairo on June 10th, 2011 9:12 pm

    HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE JESUS IN THAT DEPICTION ITS PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT ANGER ME

  103. Shanon on July 4th, 2011 7:01 pm

    awesome,
    as an atheist….i find this hilarious…

  104. FifthLouisiana on December 27th, 2011 7:51 am

    Oh my Jesus,
    Forgive us of our sins,
    Save us from the fires of hell,
    Lead all souls to Heaven,
    Especially those most in need of thy mercy.
    Amen

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