Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Catholic stayed I”

“Having seen the love and admiration pouring from Conservative circles following Newt Gingrich’s conversion to Catholicism, I feel it is time for me to come forward with an admission – I am a Catholic. And I always have been.

Yes, my friends, I grew up in a Catholic household and jumped through all the hoops the Catholic Church have: I ate the wafers, I confessed whatever it is a 10-year-old has to confess, and I prayed to every deity they threw in front of me.

To take it even further, I was married in a Catholic Church and got all the officials stamps and check marks directly from Jesus. Or a Cardinal, or whatever. It was a dude in a robe is all I know.

This is why I currently demand that all the same conservatives that are now eager to wipe Gingrich’s slate clean give me the same respect and love. After all, here’s what they said about Newt:

‘From a Catholic point of view, Newt’s sins no longer exist – they’ve been absolved. He’s made a fresh start in life. So Newt will continue to sin and confess but there aren’t going to be a lot of Catholics who will hold that against him. They understand why being a Catholic makes a difference.’

Thus, having been a Catholic for 42 years now, I believe Catholics are ready to embrace me, as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sinner. And I will sin again. In fact, one of my biggest sins is very likely my complete disdain for the Catholic Church.

In the past, I’ve called the Catholic Church ‘evil,’ I’ve accused them of catering to Skinheads, I’ve envisioned a world where Jesus came back to Earth for the sole purpose of face-punching the Pope, and made a series of random attacks against Catholics.

And I personally guarantee I’ll be making these same attacks, as well as some much worse, in the future.

Nonetheless, despite my complete lack of faith, I am a far better Catholic than Gingrich. After all, I’ve never been divorced or cheated on my wife. I’m no expert, but that’s a big one, right? Better yet, I almost never covet. I’m quite content. Add to that the fact that I’m not rich – thus, unlike Gingrich, I won’t have to deal with that “eye of a needle” thing.

I have never renounced my Catholicism, despite the fact that I think it’s all a big scam. And being a Catholic makes all the difference. For this, I demand the same respect that Gingrich is receiving. Plus, I’d like Bill Donohue – one of the great douchebags in American history – to personally compliment me. After all, I confessed like a half-hour ago. And I was as honest about that as Gingrich is about converting.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel in this matter.”

–WKW

Save