Scientific testing proves Pope Benedict XVI utterly full of crap
June 29, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
ROME, Italy — Scientific tests of bones housed in the Basilica of St. Paul in Rome are those of the apostle St. Paul himself, according to Pope Benedict XVI, thus proving once and for all that the pontiff is utterly full of crap.
“Tiny fragments of bone” in the sarcophagus were subjected to carbon dating, showing they “belong to someone who lived in the first or second century,” the pope said. “This seems to confirm the unanimous and undisputed tradition that these are the mortal remains of the Apostle St. Paul.”
The scientific community was quick to respond to Benedict’s claims.
“This supposed scientific discovery helps us better understand the Pontiff,” said a scientist who refused to give his name due to the stories overreaching. “By using the scientific method, we can now claim with 99.9 percent accuracy that the Pope is totally full of crap.”
Nonetheless, the Vatican is standing by its claims, stating that their faith has been bolstered by nonsensical scientific facts.
“We’re positive this is St. Paul,” said a Vatican spokesman. “We also found some weeds out back that have been carbon tested and are very likely the bones of Satan himself.”
Non-Catholics have also devised their own scientific tests to help learn more about the Pontiff.
“We just found some artifacts that prove that the Pope is a supporter of Holocaust deniers and homophobes,” said the Very Revered Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss. “We really feel that all this new data paints a broad picture of a Pope who is completely and utterly full of shit.”
–WKW
Sounds convincing to me. I mean, really, how many people actually died during the first or second century? Eight? Ten? Statistically, I think this means it’s gotta be their guy, right? Right?
This was undoubtedly my favorite part of the article.
To paraphrase: “OK, we used your “science” to confirm what everybody already knew (and which could not be argued or disputed anyway) — so howza bout y’all just shut yerselfs up & leave us alone on this one, ‘k?
You’re thinking about this wrong. The Pope isn’t asking whether there WAS an apostle Paul, or whether Christianity is based on truth, he believes he knows the answer. Or believes the answer. To him, the question was just whether these relics were genuine, or had been offered as genuine during a much later period when it become popular to collect relics of saints and martyrs. The fact that these were dated to the period around the time of Christ makes it far less likely that they were faked.
If remains have been kept around continuously since the person died, it’s more likely the people who first hung onto them knew who they belonged to. If they were first designated the remains of Apostle Paul at a later time, say when Constantine was buying up everything that sounded authentic, it’s unlikely they would have been from that period.
I don’t believe what the pope believes, by any means. But it’s a little unfair to mock him when he’s answering a different questions.
A well-crafted comment, Dan. My only issue is with the lasdt line – it is always fair to mock the pope