Gates, Obama offer up DATGDT – “Don’t Act Too Gay, Don’t Tell”
July 1, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
Hoping to ease the concerns of leading gay and lesbian groups regarding his inconsistent policies on gay civil rights, President Barack Obama has today taken a bold step to alter the U.S. Military’s controversial “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy.
“After hours of research, we believe we have come up with a plan that should give the gay community the security they need to have a career in the U.S. military,” said Obama. “We have met the opposition on this issue half way, now all we require is that members of the U.S. military keep their gayness to a minimum.”
Among the things the new DATGDT policy will require gay males to avoid: Flouncing, Traipsing, Gossiping and 12-pack abs. For lesbians, the new policy only requires women to “Act like the character Casey Seeger from the film ‘Officer and a Gentleman.’”
Obama said that DATGDT may be confusing to many at first, there were simple ways to make it more understandable.
“Take the show ‘Will & Grace,’ for example,” said Obama. “If you are male and act like Will, you’re fine. If you act like Jack, you’re fired.”
Obama added that lesbian members of the military should do their best to act like former “Sex and the City” star Cynthia Nixon. “Should gay and lesbian recruits be unable to follow these simple straight-friendly rules, they will be summarily and publicly terminated,” the new policy reads.
Gates said that while he’d really, really like to end DADT, it’s based on federal laws and the Executive Branch is never, ever allowed to break the law, lest they surely be impeached and convicted.
“What we have is a law — be it a policy or a regulation — and as I discovered when I got into it, it’s a very prescriptive law. It doesn’t leave much to the imagination for a lot of flexibility. And so one of the things we’re looking at — is there flexibility in how we apply this law?” said Gates.
Obama said that he believed that his non-partisan approach to fixing DADT would make everyone happy in the end.
“While promoting equal rights is vital to my presidency, we must keep in mind this is a diverse nation,” said Obama. “Many will only accept gays and lesbians in the military as long as they don’t act too gay or lesbiany.”
Gates and Obama confirmed that the new DATGDT policy will take affect some time following the 2012 presidential elections.
–WKW
People really need to get a grip! This is 2009! I was in the US Marine Corps in 1996 and loved it. I was a Spanish Linguist and was forced out of the military due to the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. After spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on background checks and training, the military kicked me out. The military is so homophobic, they would rather get rid of anyone they think is gay, rather than open their eyes and deal with the issue. I never pushed my lifestyle on anyone stationed with me and everyone knew about me but like one Marine in Monterey told Gunny Seargent Ruiz, why does it matter, he does his job and this was in 1997 when I was forced out. It’s the old timers in the military, not the new generation.
The problem that I faced recently was that the department for VA Loans and VA Hospitals wouldn’t see me since I only served 18 months and they said that I would have had to serve 24 months. The VA Hospital took it even further and told me that the only way possibly around it would be to say that I was mentally ill due to me being gay and I told the supervisor that I would do no such thing and she said that there was nothing she could do then.
They had no problem taking me to fill their quotas but the minute you may be gay, you are in a way exiled from the brotherhood that exits in the Marines. I still support the Marines any chance I get and Service Members Legal Defense Network as well. They are both great organizations, but the Marine Corps has a lot of growing to do to bring it up to today’s standards. I really hope that the DADT policy is repealed because everyone should be able to serve openly in the military, not just heterosexuals.
KS: “It’s the old timers in the military, not the new generation.”
I think that’s the story nationwide, not just in the armed forces.
That was freaking hilarious!
Sadly, it really isn’t a laughing matter. So THANKS FOR THE LAUGHTER!
You’re very good . . . Have you thought about publishing or do you have a book?
Chris
“take effect.”
I just can’t help myself.