Breaking: Sarah Palin hastily announces her own ‘Memorial’ to take place today in Wasilla
July 7, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
WASILLA – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who recently announced she would be quitting her position, has announced plans for her own “Memorial” today. In a hastily put-together press conference, Palin said that the memorial had nothing to do with being jealous of the fact that Michael Jackson had stolen the headlines from her.
“This is not politics as usual,” said Palin, dressed in a robe, slippers and holding a cup of coffee. “But when I awoke this morning and saw Michael Jackson all over the news, I thought, ‘hey, I should have a memorial, too.’”
Palin, who is not actually dead, appeared unable to understand what the word “memorial” actually meant. Still, that did not keep her from laying out plans for the event to be held today at 3 p.m. at the Wasilla Sports Complex.
“When a fish swims downstream, it’s like a moose in the woods,” said Palin. “Well I’m not from the “big city” like Michael Jackson. So the time and place to Memoralize me is today, you betcha. Once again, you see that I’m not a typical politician swimming upstream in the woods.”
Palin added that she had accomplished far more than Jackson this week, but that the mainstream media ignored it.
“I didn’t die this week. Not once,” said Palin. “It’s like being a point guard in the tundra where you have the ball and run around and then you shoot moose with energy independence and have a memorial.”
Palin then trailed off and wandered back into her Wasilla home, complaining about how unfair all of it was. Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton then announced there would be a lottery held this afternoon for tickets to the “Palin Memorial,” with lottery tickets priced at $100 each.
“For any memorial, this is a real bargain,” said Stapleton. “But I’m sure we’ll be ignored by the elite, East Coast snobby media.”
When reached for comment, blogger AK Mudflats said it was fitting that the memorial was to be held at the Sports Complex. “It’s where her career died, after all,” said Mudflats.
–WKW
If she were president, she could have turned to the Department of Big Ol’ Words there in the White House to help her out with that.
Of course, only a dead moose uses a dictionary when a flyin’ salmon could pass the ball & beat the full-court press instead, and such as, you betcha! [Wink!]
“I loved Tanveer Achmad,” Sarah Palin said. “It was just, once the World Trade Center came down, I changed my mind.”
LOL my arse off!
Award-worthy writing, Bill!
[...] Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, however, is a new breed of American Conservative, a true maverick in every sense of the word. No longer burdened by the negative baggage that comes with quitting when the pressure is on, Palin has announced she no longer has much interest in being in charge of the 49th State. This brave decision by Palin showcases just how much conservatives are willing to change in the Age of Obama. [...]
[...] WASILLA – Outgoing Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has dropped another bombshell that will likely again shake her supporters to the core. Palin announced today that she is resigning the Presidency of the United States as of Jan. 24, 2012. Palin said the bad press she will likely receive has made it impossible for her to fulfill the job she expects to win. [...]