New Poll: 80% of Americans would give up breathing if it helped corporations make more money

July 30, 2009 by  

SOUTH CAROLINA – A stunning new poll by William K. Wolfrum & Associates shows that nearly 80 percent of all Americans would stop breathing right now if a major corporation gave that order.

The poll – which was based on looking into how Americans will gladly vote against their own self interests – made several other discoveries, including:

  • 78 percent of Americans would rather die a terrible death that leaves their families bankrupt than have the elite pay higher taxes for government health care.
  • 67 percent of Americans would saw off their left foot to have a Wal-Mart built next door to them;
  • 62 percent of Americans would shoot themselves in the head if it meant the richest Americans would receive a tax break, and;
  • 59 percent of Americans would rather see tax money given to banks, or used to kill Middle Easterners than have the same money used on health care in the U.S.
  • Noted sociologist Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss., said that the poll is in line with how many Americans feel.

    “In the U.S., it’s all about striving to be rich,” said Johnson. “And if you fail, you’re out. So better let the successful amongst us thrive than worry about the vast majority of Americans, who are abject failures at getting rich.”

    Republicans were quick to jump on the poll numbers.

    “Americans are selfless people. So selfless, they’ll always vote against their own interests,” said Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal. “At the GOP, we’re aware of that and confident it will again lead us to power. The people have spoken, and they’ve told us they don’t want to be heard anymore. We can do that.”

    More than 1,000 people took the poll, though many refused to accept the free pencils given out to fill out the poll, claiming it was a “socialist act” and that they should be “punished for not having their own pencils.”

    –WKW

    Comments

    13 Responses to “New Poll: 80% of Americans would give up breathing if it helped corporations make more money”

    1. Bellesouth on July 30th, 2009 9:27 am

      Love!

    2. @ke_nny on July 30th, 2009 9:45 am

      I cashed in my kid’s college fund so that Goldman Sachs execs could have a gold-plated pot to piss in.

    3. dgun on July 30th, 2009 10:01 am

      lol. That’s funny.

      Noted sociologist Tim Johnson of Tupelo, Miss

      Our boy Tim is moving up in the world.

      claiming it was a “socialist act” and that they should be “punished for not having their own pencils.”

      lolz x 2.

    4. konagod on July 30th, 2009 10:12 am

      This is a direct quote from an article in today’s NYT:

      Over all, the poll portrays a nation torn by conflicting impulses and confusion.

      In one finding, 75 percent of respondents said they were concerned that the cost of their own health care would eventually go up if the government did not create a system of providing health care for all Americans. But in another finding, 77 percent said they were concerned that the cost of health care would go up if the government did create such a system.

    5. hugh.c.mcbride on July 30th, 2009 10:14 am

      I heard that this “breathing” concept was part of a Muslim-Marxist plot to murder senior citizens & give special breathing rights to homosexual illegal aliens from Kenya.

      If Obama would just release the long-form documents that clearly state that breathing will *not* result in the murder of senior citizens & the granting of special breathing rights to homosexual illegal aliens from Kenya, then I’d be glad to start inhaling & exhaling again.

    6. dgun on July 30th, 2009 10:24 am

      I heard that this “breathing” concept was part of a Muslim-Marxist plot to murder senior citizens & give special breathing rights to homosexual illegal aliens from Kenya.

      I have decided to declare jihad against cute little fuzzy kittens. That, and play some soccer.

    7. William K. Wolfrum on July 30th, 2009 10:57 am

      I have decided to declare jihad against cute little fuzzy kittens.

      Cute Little Non-Fuzzy Kittens breath a collective sigh of relief and back your efforts.

      That, and play some soccer.

      My wife derides your soccer knowledge. Thought you should know that.

    8. hugh.c.mcbride on July 30th, 2009 1:18 pm

      I have decided to declare jihad against cute little fuzzy kittens. That, and play some soccer.

      At 2:12 pm, Hugh C. McBride released the following announcement to his followers:

      I am proud to announce the establishment of McBride’s Soccer Academy for Cute Little Non-fuzzy Adorable Kittens. We here at McSACLNAK are proud to be playing what we believe to be an essential role in the promulgation of the Muslo-Marxist Movement whilst also making real the visionary vision that first emanated from the fertile mind of Mr. D. Gun.

      Thank you, and I have retained William K. Wolfrum’s counsel on this matter.

    9. LT Saloon |  One of the Funniest Things I’ve Read Lately… on July 30th, 2009 3:11 pm

      [...] New Poll: 80% of Americans would give up breathing if it helped corporations make more money [...]

    10. RS Janes on July 30th, 2009 3:13 pm

      WKW, this is one of the funniest pieces I’ve read in a long time. I hope you don’t mind that I took the liberty of posting it in full on my site, ltsaloon.org, with proper attribution, of course.

      Thanks much for the laughs.

    11. dgun on July 31st, 2009 4:34 am

      My wife derides your soccer knowledge. Thought you should know that.

      For your wife’s information, I once ran for 125 yards in a soccer game and sacked the goalie twice. The refs didn’t care for the way I played the game, but all they could seem to do about it was wave little red cards at me.

      byw, hey to Mrs. Wolfrum.

    12. marvin ray burt on July 31st, 2009 5:15 am

      THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY AND SO FUCKING SADLY TRUE!

      Marvin in Dallas

    13. litbrit on August 1st, 2009 1:07 am

      This is perhaps *the* definitive LOL-sob post of our time.

      Perfection, in other words.

      (And if I hear one more brain-dead Kool-aid drinker say that Obama wants to use our tax dollar to kill our grandmothers and abort our babies, I’m going to have to grow a dick just so I can shoot myself in it.)

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