GOP down to one man to run for President in 2012
July 10, 2009
It’s been a tough year for the Republicans, as every potential 2012 presidential nominee has gone up in smoke. In the end, they have one last hope, and it isn’t Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee:
Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho – the only GOP candidate that makes any sense any more.
–WKW
From the Department of Overkill Department
July 10, 2009
Submitted with bleeding eyes:
Nothing like a safety ad that will freak you out enough to force you to plow into it.
–WKW
No one could have anticipated Bush Administration would spy on Americans
July 10, 2009
I suppose the rebuttal to having the government spy on anyone for any reason with no oversight is that if we allow any oversight, the terrorists win. Or something like that.
From TPM/AP:
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft and ex-CIA Director George Tenet are among the Bush administration officials who refused to be interviewed for a government report on the warrantless wiretapping program.
The Bush-era program conducted electronic surveillance on calls and e-mails within the U.S. — without a judge knowing about it or giving the OK.
An unclassified summary of the report says the other officials who declined interviews are Bush’s ex-chief of staff, Andrew Card; Dick Cheney’s former top aide David Addington; and former top Justice Department lawyer John Yoo.
Hey, if you haven’t done anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about, right?
–WKW
Sarah Palin quits the Presidency she expects to win in 2012
July 9, 2009
WASILLA – Outgoing Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has dropped another bombshell that will likely again shake her supporters to the core. Palin announced today that she is resigning the Presidency of the United States as of Jan. 24, 2012. Palin said the bad press she will likely receive has made it impossible for her to fulfill the job she expects to win.
“This is not politics as usual,” said a smirking Palin. “I know there are plenty of real Americans out there who will help me win the 2012 Presidential election. And while I’m proud to serve, I’m afraid the negative press and potty-mouthed attacks from bloggers will force me to resign, effective shortly after I expect to win, roughly 45 months from now.”
While most political pundits have questioned whether Palin is making the right decision in abandoning the White House nearly four years before she anticipates being elected President, The Weekly Standard’s Bill Kristol called the move “Pure genius by an amazing super maverick.”
“I’ll tell you what, once again, we see that Sarah Palin knows what America is all about,” said Kristol. “Her pre-quitting of the Presidency will long be look forward to as a brilliant time in American history.”
For her part, Palin said that she would look into other ways to serve the American public, such as serving as the center square on a revamped production of the game show “Hollywood Squares.” Palin is also expected to begin hawking flakes of her skin on QVC later this month.
“I belong to America, you betcha,” said Palin. “And for just three easy payments of $19.99, real Americans can own a part of me.”
Palin is also expected to publish her first book later this month, as well. The book, tentatively titled “Sarah’s Book of Baby Names” will include such Palin-esque names as Thump, Splat, Flap, Monkeybars, Norbert, Plug and Schwing!
Palin added that she wanted to thank those that will be campaigning for her in the future.
“For those of you that will be working hard to help me become President so that I can quit, well God Bless ya,” said Palin. “Your hard work is vital and appreciated. I couldn’t pre-quit the presidency if it weren’t for all the hard work that you’ll all eventually be doing.”
In the end, Palin made it crystal clear why she was willing to give up the nation’s biggest office before she actually won it.
“It’s pretty insane – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with this instead of progressing our state now. I know I promised no more “politics as usual,” but this isn’t what anyone had in mind for me,” said Palin. “If I have learned one thing: Life is about choices!”
–WKW
Rupert Murdoch practicing immoral and illegal journalism? Who could have seen that coming?
July 9, 2009
No one could ever have anticipated that a Rupert Murdoch-run organization would flaunt the law. Yet …
News International was facing three fresh inquiries into the conduct of its journalists and executives following the Guardian’s disclosures that Rupert Murdoch’s newspaper empire paid £1m to keep secret the use of criminal methods to get stories.
The director of public prosecutions, Keir Starmer, announced he was intending to launch an urgent review of the evidence relating to phone hacking gathered in the investigation of the News of the World reporter Clive Goodman, who was jailed for obtaining information illegally.
His intervention came after a powerful Commons select committee said it would be calling senior managers from News International to give evidence as early as next week to clarify what they knew about malpractice by journalists at the News of the World. Andy Coulson, the former editor of the paper and now the Conservative party’s director of communications, will be asked to appear. He has always denied he knew reporters working for him had hacked into the mobile phones of politicians and celebrities.
On the bright side, we won’t have to worry about such controversies being reported in the future, as Murdoch is about three years away from owning all media organizations on the planet.
–WKW
England finds a new place to dump its garbage – Brazil
July 8, 2009
From the “Department of WTF?” comes this endearing story via Globo in Brazil. It seems that some companies in England have found a clever way to get rid of excess garbage – by stuffing it into containers and shipping it to South America.
About 300 tons of garbage in England has been found inside of containers in Porto de Santos, on Monday. The load was sent by two companies, and should have contained plastic for recycling.
The containers had arrived in Brazil last week, but had been only opened on Monday. A team of inspectors from the state of Ibama went to verify the load, and took a scare when the doors were opened.
“This is a disrespect to our country, we are not the trash dump of the world”, said an inspector.
The state of Ibama announced that the shipper and transporter will be fined, and that the containers must be taken back to England within 10 days.
Another 750 tons of garbage from English shippers were found in containers in the state of Rio Grande do Sul. Inside one of the trash-filled containers included a note which read “Here are toys for the poor children of Brazil. Please wash before using.”
–WKW
Like Sarah Palin, Conservative icon Jon Swift deserves praise for quitting
July 8, 2009
After taking a South American vacation to visit his mistress at taxpayer’s expense, South Carolina Governor Mark Staford has steadfastly refused to resign his position. Many in the political world are flummoxed by Sanford’s obstinacy, but there is a simple reason for it. You see, Sanford is old school. He is the type of politician that still hangs on to the faded conservative concept that quitting is “bad.”
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, however, is a new breed of American Conservative, a true maverick in every sense of the word. No longer burdened by the negative baggage that comes with quitting when the pressure is on, Palin has announced she no longer has much interest in being in charge of the 49th State. This brave decision by Palin showcases just how much conservatives are willing to change in the Age of Obama.
But while Palin deserves credit for quitting, it must be noted that it was not the “Barracuda” who devised the new political strategy that is now known as the “I’m Taking My Marbles and Going Home” plan. No, that honor goes to notorious political blogger and commentator Jon Swift.
Swift – as heinous a man that has ever walked this planet – has long held radical political views. He has praised Bristol Palin as a paragon of virtue. He has accused Barack Obama of secretly trying to destroy the First Amendment. And, perhaps most famously, he littered Amazon.com with far-right-slanted book reviews that made the venerable online book store read more like an issue of The Weekly Standard.
But four months ago, Swift blazed a new trail. He quit. Yes, Mr. Swift’s blog has sat in silence since March.
At first blush, this move by Swift seems somewhat benign. After all, Swift is a highly sought-after personality on radio shows and other media. He also undoubtedly works long hours at Conservative think-tanks, sipping martinis and bitching about the poor alongside the likes of Bill Kristol, George Will and Levi Johnston.
It is after further review that the genius of Swift’s move becomes clear, however. By leaving the public sphere, Swift has actually become an even better blogger and commentator. According to a recent Rasmussen poll, in fact, 52 percent of Republicans have said they hope Swift never returns and applaud him for leaving in the first place. Jon Swift may be gone, but he is now more powerful and respected in Conservative circles than ever.
Like Swift before her, Palin has also reaped the rewards of being a new-breed of Republican that’s a quitter. Because obviously, quitting is some type of Rovian strategy that makes a Conservative stronger. Being a quitter is no longer a shameful designation. It is now a badge of honor.
So, Mr. Swift, wherever you are, please note that Conservatives everywhere are excited by your absence. You have excited the conservative base by quitting, and most Republicans feel that you are giving them hope by not being around. Conversely, most Liberals would love nothing more than to see you return to writing your far-right drivel.
But in the end, one must look at Swift’s departure through a non-partisan lens. And from a political point of view, it is clear that Jon Swift was the original quitter. And for this he deserves nothing but praise.
–WKW
No one expects a blogaround – will you take an IOU?
July 8, 2009
Admit it, you never saw this coming:
Konagod: California can’t manage to even send out IOU’s? And does anyone even want them? Group News Blog: Forty-three percent of homeless men over 25 are veterans, although veterans represent only 27% of men over 25 in the population at large. Talking Points Memo: Yes, you heard it right – Karl Rove testified under oath. Now what? TransGriot: BET forgets about the “T’s” in its ‘Who’s Who In Black GLBT America’ feature. Hot Air: 52 percent of Republicans say they are willing to go down with Sarah Palin’s ship. Jesus’ General: It’s like a good, white Christian can’t do or say anything without being slapped down by the politically correct. Firedoglake: FDL still working hard to ensure a public option is included in health care reform.
The best part of wakin’ up … is an erection in your cup
July 7, 2009
Apparently in Malaysia, they like their coffee strong. Strong like bull.
Malaysian authorities have confiscated 900 boxes of coffee laced with Viagra, a newspaper report said.
Health ministry officials raided a company in Kuala Lumpur that marketed the coffee as an energy booster, The New Straits Times reported did not say whether the package labelled Viagra as an ingredient.
Sunday’s report said the 900 confiscated boxes containing some 9,000 coffee packets were worth more than £12,160, some of which had been distributed nationwide.
Good to the last drop, indeed.
–WKW
Breaking: Sarah Palin hastily announces her own ‘Memorial’ to take place today in Wasilla
July 7, 2009
WASILLA – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who recently announced she would be quitting her position, has announced plans for her own “Memorial” today. In a hastily put-together press conference, Palin said that the memorial had nothing to do with being jealous of the fact that Michael Jackson had stolen the headlines from her.
“This is not politics as usual,” said Palin, dressed in a robe, slippers and holding a cup of coffee. “But when I awoke this morning and saw Michael Jackson all over the news, I thought, ‘hey, I should have a memorial, too.’”
Palin, who is not actually dead, appeared unable to understand what the word “memorial” actually meant. Still, that did not keep her from laying out plans for the event to be held today at 3 p.m. at the Wasilla Sports Complex.
“When a fish swims downstream, it’s like a moose in the woods,” said Palin. “Well I’m not from the “big city” like Michael Jackson. So the time and place to Memoralize me is today, you betcha. Once again, you see that I’m not a typical politician swimming upstream in the woods.”
Palin added that she had accomplished far more than Jackson this week, but that the mainstream media ignored it.
“I didn’t die this week. Not once,” said Palin. “It’s like being a point guard in the tundra where you have the ball and run around and then you shoot moose with energy independence and have a memorial.”
Palin then trailed off and wandered back into her Wasilla home, complaining about how unfair all of it was. Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton then announced there would be a lottery held this afternoon for tickets to the “Palin Memorial,” with lottery tickets priced at $100 each.
“For any memorial, this is a real bargain,” said Stapleton. “But I’m sure we’ll be ignored by the elite, East Coast snobby media.”
When reached for comment, blogger AK Mudflats said it was fitting that the memorial was to be held at the Sports Complex. “It’s where her career died, after all,” said Mudflats.
–WKW
One-Liner: A great loss to humankind
July 7, 2009
Today, the world comes together to mourn the loss of Michael Jackson. Also, a few mourn the loss of the word “perspective” from the English language.
GOP celebrates 24 hours without anything stupid, immoral or illegal happening, “We’re back, baby!”
July 7, 2009
WASHINGTON — “We’re back, baby!”
Such were the words of Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele after being informed that the Republican Party had finished an entire 24-hour cycle without any of its members being caught in an act of adultery, quitting, or being convicted of any type of crime.
“This is something we are going to build on,” said Steele. “I think the American people can now see we are able to go one full day without anything disastrous happening.”
Following a train wreck of a month that saw Sen. John Ensign admit to adultery, S.C. Governor Mark Stanford go AWOL from his job before admitting he also was an adulterer, and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin give her three-week notice, the news that no huge scandal had broken in a 24-hour period had the Republican base feeling optimistic about its future.
“If we can go 24 hours, who’s to say we can’t go 48?” said Republican leader Newt Gingrich. “I’d hesitate to say we could go a week, but we’re making progress.”
One media expert who asked not to be named said that the 24-hour accomplishment by his party once again proved that that the GOP was a “serious party that took things seriously.”
“In all seriousness, the seriousness shown by Republicans during this period is what the people have long clamored for,” said the media expert. “While Democrats are busy electing comedians, Republicans are not cheating on their spouses, quitting or being arrested. This is a very serious development that must be treated seriously.”
But while Republicans celebrated their day with no drama, several bloggers and independent journalists added one caveat to the accomplishment.
“Remember,” wrote blogger Mustang Bobby. “No Republican was ‘convicted’ of anything or ‘admitted’ to adultery. That’s a pretty important distinction.”
Still, for their part, Democrats in Congress seemed impressed with the GOP’s sudden morality and vowed to work with them in anyway possible.
“We always keep an eye on the opposition and we know the public is excited to see that the GOP was able to get through the day without any types of admissions or convictions,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “I think it would be in Democrats best interest to act in a bipartisan manner now and drop the Public Option from the health care bill. That will show the new, serious Republican Party that we are serious, also.”
–WKW
Calif. Regulators: “Smoking marijuana may cause cancer, so have a cigarette and beer and forget about it”
July 5, 2009
Remember folks, the real reason people are against legalizing marijuana is because it’s not good for you:
SAN FRANCISCO – It might take Californians a puff or two to get their heads around an apparent contradiction recently enshrined in state law.
The same marijuana smoke that doctors can recommend to ease cancer patients’ suffering must soon come with a warning saying it causes the disease.
State environmental regulators last month voted to place marijuana smoke on its list of hundreds of substances known to cause cancer. The decision could lead to warning signs in medical marijuana dispensaries and labels on packaged pot within a year.
A voter-approved measure made medical marijuana legal in California in 1996. Key backers included patients with serious illnesses such as cancer and AIDS who said pot helped them manage pain and nausea.
Medical marijuana advocates sought to downplay the significance of the state’s decision, arguing researchers have long known that the smoke contains cancer-causing compounds.
“This does not mean in any way that those carcinogens that appear in smoked marijuana, smoked cannabis, have any kind of causal relationship to cancer,” said Kris Hermes, spokesman for Americans for Safe Access, a pro-medical marijuana group.
It’s time to have a Lucky Strike, a pull from a whiskey jug and just forget about the demon weed. After all, anything that doesn’t have 5,000 lobbyists fighting for it can’t be good for you.
–WKW
Anderson Cooper showcases the media’s bravery with pre-wounded politicians
July 4, 2009
CNN’s Anderson Cooper gives some us some old-fashioned journalism with Sarah Palin’s spokeswoman Meg Stapleton:
It’s always kind of startling to see U.S. reporters swat down talking points and ask tough questions. Too bad it usually only happens when the reporters in question feel the politicians they are talking to/about are generally already seriously wounded. If said politician retains good standing and is still in power, reporters will normally allow a talking-point fest to take place. After all, they would never want to risk losing out on future access.
–WKW
Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “I hereby quit being a blogger so that I may be a better blogger”
July 3, 2009
“My friends, when I became a blogger, I did so with a certainty of purpose. I believed that it was my sworn duty to uphold and protect the important values of the blogosphere. And since I became a blogger, I have had one success after another, making me one of the most important bloggers in the known universe.
Which is exactly why I’m quitting.
You see, I am a man of strong moral convictions, and I believe that as of this moment, the Blogotics of Destruction have taken away from my first priority – which, of course, is blogging. But for far too long, paid operatives have made it their mission to destroy me. Over the years, I have been hit with repeated attacks on my own character, which include people calling me a “loser,” or saying that I “suck,” or calling me a “douchebag.”
Well, this blog has spent countless minutes and 10s of dollars fighting these accusations, and it has driven down the output that I am known for. But I have bounced back from each attack. Thus, I quit.
But let’s not think of this as quitting. Let’s think of it as a bold move by a bold man who is willing to take a bold step. For while I am quitting blogging, I utterly refuse to quit blogging. I will continue on. For I am not a quitter. I am a fighter. It’s like when you go fishing: Sometimes you catch a lot of fish, sometimes you don’t. And sometimes your boat sinks. I think this explains why I must quit.
Now some may point to improprieties in my past. These are slanderous half-truths and vicious innuendos that must be dismissed. People have said that I’m “lazy” and “self-absorbed.” They’ve called me a “narcissist only worried about myself.” They’ve accused me of “exposing myself in public” and “robbing a 7-11 in Anaheim” and other such nonsense. I am not the type to back down from these false accusations and will fight them with every ounce of my strength. Which I why I must quit.
If I may use a sports analogy: This is like boxing, where one fighter gets hit in the nose repeatedly and finally quits. Well, I am not the type of blogger who would do such a thing. So I must quit.
In the end, all I ask is that you trust me on this one. Because I will always be a blogger and will continue blogging for the good of this country. This is why I must quit.
Thank you and I have retained counsel in this matter.”
–WKW
