Jesus Saves! Provided you keep up with monthly payments and can afford the co-pay
August 24, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
As Health Care Reform has taken over the national dialogue, we felt it was time to look to our Savior for answers. From The Modern Conservative Holy Bible:
Mark 8:22-23
(22) And he cometh to Bethsaida; and they bring a blind man unto him, and besought him to touch him. (23) And he telleth the man “Thou co-pay is $1,000. Canst thou afford?” And lo, the man said “nay.” And Conservative Jesus took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, toldeth him to get off his lazy asseth and get a jobeth. (24) And he sent him away to his house, saying, Thou art a socialist tool that never speaketh of pre-existing conditions.
Matthew, 23—24.
And Conservative Jesus went about all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and collecting His Monthly Healing Premiums. He healeth all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people with adequate insurance, leaving others to dieth, as was his capitalistic wont. And his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all uninsured sick people that were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatic, and those that had the palsy; and Conservative Jesus telleth the lunatic, possessed palsy-sufferers that he had a business model and he can not help them until the day they have the insurance and co-pays necessary and what did they think, this was a charity or something?
Mark 1:40-43
(40) And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. (41) And Conservative Jesus, moved with profit-lust, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, maybeth thou should have thought of this earlier, when you wasted money on clothes and food. (42) And as soon as he had spoken, immediately the leprosy departed from him, for he was dead. (43) And Conservative Jesus sayith unto him, thou think I am a communist or Nazi? I provideth the best healing practices in the land, for only those that afford and fill out thy proper paperwork in triplicate and assure me that your HMO will cover all expense.
Follow the words of thy Conservative Lord and treat the lowliest amongst you with the disdain they deserve. For Jesus knew that profit margins and year-end bonuses were the way and the light.
Only those that may help themselves and have good enough jobs may be healed, sayeth Conservative Jesus. May his Randian glory be praised and may single-payer communist thought be banished to hell with the others unable to afford heaven or health.
–WKW
So it turns out that, all those years, my parents were quoting the Bible to me, huh?
Who knew.
All this time I thought I should be caring for the least among us. But I really should have been worshiping profit margins. Thank you for showing me the way.
Brilliant satire but, sadly, it would never be understood by the Bible-belting bleaters on the right. Were you to somehow force them to read it, they would probably think it was authentic, as I’ve noticed they go temporarily blind at any section of the Old or New Testament which instructs them to help others, so they would have no idea what the original text said.
To hear some of these scriptural scholars, somewhere it says in Luke or Mark or Revelation that Jesus bitterly hated Muslims, notwithstanding the fact that Islam wasn’t invented until six centuries after Jesus was crucified. But, as their political god Ronald Reagan once bungled a John Adams quote by declaring, “Facts are stupid things.” Imagine that line repeated with shiny-eyed pride by a woman with Lipton tea bags hanging off her hat, as if it were the ultimate debate-ending riposte as she adds, “and only liberals care about stupid things!”
I like a comment I got at TPM, which was, basically “When Fundie Christians attack, they never use Christ’s words.”
True — they tend to used loaded guns. WWJD? Refresh the tree of liberty with a Glock or M-16 and some liberal blood.
[...] Following disappointing third-quarter projections, Christ has announced that he will only heal those that are both pure of heart and financially stable. [...]
Best thing I’ve read on the healthcare debate. Ever.
It’s pretty funny how rightwing American Christians never notice that Jesus wasn’t concerned about liberty. He thought that a slave and a master could both be a good Christians. His call was to each individual to perform his own role in society according to the guidance provided by the parables, beatitudes and principles provided by Jesus. He had NO VISION of how a government should govern AT ALL. A beneficent ruler was fine with him. If the king wasn’t beneficent, his subjects could still earn their salvation by being persecuted, and salvation was the point of everything. Democracy was completely off his radar. I can’t imagine him endorsing a war against the British based on unfair taxation. And He certainly said nothing about economic systems. His vision was limited to the society He knew, where the individual was helpless under an occupying power. He was purely concerned with personal piety.
There is really a basis for the right-wing claim that Jesus never meant for the government to provide a safety net. There is nothing about it in the Bible. The idea never occurred to him. He knew nothing beyond the concept of personal charity. He had no idea how a global economy would work, how powerfully industrialism would affect the environment or how complex and resource-devouring health care would become.
That’s why I am puzzled by people insisting that they find the Bible so helpful on moral issues. It is on such a personal level that the Bible isn’t any more helpful than any other religious document. All the religions say “Love your neighbor as yourself.” OK, how do I invest my money based on that principle? Am I obligated to invest only in morally worthy corporations? Should I work only for morally worthy corporations? ARE THERE any morally worthy corporations? Should I, as an American, give the money intended for my already privileged children’s college educations to feed starving Somalians? What guidance does the Bible provide on matters of birth control, turning off life support, abortion, artificial insemination, and cloning? We have chosen to believe that Jesus didn’t really meant it when He forbade divorce, because it simply isn’t practical in a modern, mobile society where lifespans are long. Jesus had no problem with eating meat, but now that we have the luxury of not being on the edge of starvation and now that we know more about how animals experience the world, is it OK to buy meat, milk and eggs produced on factory farms? Do we have an obligation to consider animal suffering in making moral decisions?
Should we really all try to perfect ourselves morally by giving away our possessions, studying religion and preaching to others? Clearly Jesus never intended for all his followers to do this, since it would leave the society in chaos. There had to be some people willing to jeapordize their salvation by focussing on raising food, building shelters, raising children, etc. Or did there? Jesus seemed to think the world would end within a couple of generations.
Sure, people have been struggling with moral trade-offs for thousands of years, and that’s never going to change. But I find the Bible so totally outdated that it is no help at all in figuring out what is moral.
I updated the parable of the Good Samaritan–the Republican Samaritan–for right wing Americans.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/10/16/135215/74
[...] Following disappointing third-quarter projections, Christ has announced that he will only heal those that are both pure of heart and financially stable. [...]