This Wacky World

A quick look at this wacky world we live in …

Minnesota Pays Millions to Bridge Firm it’s Suing

Interstate 35W bridge two years ago, state transportation officials have awarded more than $55 million in contracts to URS Corp. and Progressive Contractors Inc. — the two companies it now holds largely responsible for the disaster.

N.Y. Times’ Walter Cronkite bio riddled with errors

An appraisal on Saturday about Walter Cronkite’s career included a number of errors. In some copies, it misstated the date that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was killed and referred incorrectly to Mr. Cronkite’s coverage of D-Day. Dr. King was killed on April 4, 1968, not April 30. Mr. Cronkite covered the D-Day landing from a warplane; he did not storm the beaches. In addition …

Texas will soon make sure that competent lawyers handle death-row appeals

Death-row appeals are life-and-death matters. Starting next year, Texas will finally make sure that they’re done right.

“The status quo has been an international embarrassment,” state Sen. Rodney Ellis, D-Houston, said recently, and we agree. Private lawyers appointed by the courts have too often done lousy jobs.

As reported in a series of stories by the Chronicle’s Lise Olsen, Texas inmates have lost their death-row appeals because their court-appointed attorneys missed deadlines, didn’t file appeals, or filed skimpy “skeletal” writs that appeared to have been cut and pasted from other cases.

Philly Workers Allege Segregated Restrooms

Five black workers at a Philadelphia waste transfer plant are suing their employer, claiming restrooms are segregated for black and white workers. The facility cited in the lawsuit, Northwest Transfer Station, has been investigated previously for similar allegations.

Members of the Pa. National Guard miss active-duty stipends because of budget impasse

Over 500 members of the Pennsylvania National Guard — many of whom have served in Iraq and Afghanistan — are also state employees out a gratuity stipend due to the budget impasse, a spokesman with the state department of Military and Veterans Affairs confirmed Friday.

The stipends, due to members of the National Guard on active duty, are payments of $520 a month on top of the federal salary paid to active military members, said Kevin Cramsey, a spokesman with the state Department of Military and Veterans Affairs.

… And how’s your day?

–wkw

Taking a cue from Sarah Palin, all Republicans quit

Taking a page from the Sarah Palin playbook, all 219 Republicans in Congress quit today, effective immediately.

“We believe we can do more to help this country outside of the government,” said former House Minority Leader John Boehner, who was holding a 4-iron. “Because, like Sarah said, fish have to swim and stuff. You betcha.”

The mass resignation comes at a time when Republicans are struggling to be an opposition party, and generally have done little but drop all-or-nothing type offers on President Barack Obama’s desk. With time running out until the 2010 elections, the GOP decided it was best to go for a home run move.

“This isn’t quitting,” said Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele. “Call it anything you like, but this is by no means quitting.”

Rumors quickly matriculated out of Washington that all 219 resigning Republicans have already taken jobs as Health Insurance lobbyists. Boehner said that Americans won’t be fooled and will see this ploy for what it really is.

“Yeah, it’s true a lot of us will be working with insurance companies,” said Boehner, an overly tanned flap of skin hanging from his cheek. “All I can say is that Blue Cross will take care of you when you need it, and so will we.”

Steele said he believed the work with the health care industry would strengthen Republican hopes in 2010.

“Seriously, no body is quitting here,” said Steele. “We will not be called a party of quitters just because everyone moved on to important jobs. I repeat – Not Quitting.”

With an unprecedented 433-0 advantage in Congress, Democrats have stated that they will move slowly and with caution.

“We’re still not sure if we’ll get a public option in health care reform,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “We need to make sure we reach out to the other side. We may take a hiatus until another side arrives.”

–WKW

Statement from William K. Wolfrum “Sod off, I’m on vacation”

William K. Wolfrum made this announcement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, as many as you know, I am a dedicated blogger focused solely on the most important issues of the day. I am here 24/7, making this world a better place. And for this I deserve praise.

And today, bloggers are needed more than ever. With unfinished wars, a health care proposal on the docket and an economy shedding jobs faster than Sarah Palin sheds, well, jobs, now more than ever our voices need to be heard. This is why I’m asking all bloggers and would-be bloggers out there to work harder than ever.

Especially because I’ll be taking August off.

Yes, my friends, I will be taking August off as part of a previously planned vacation. Sure, times are tough, but like I said, this vacation was “previously planned.” So you can see, there’s just no getting out of it. It’s not like I’ll be doing anything. Mostly just sitting at home watching TV. Or maybe discussing my political views with small groups of people. An very likely just making things worse for everyone. Or whatever, it’s on the schedule, what can I do?

But what’s vital to remember here is that August is a vital month for bloggers. There is a real chance of having your voices heard on many of these life-changing topics. Bloggers must work harder than ever to get the change they’ve so longed for. Your voices must ring out against the corruption that so dominates the political sphere. Your words must penetrate the army of the status quo. Now, more than ever, bloggers are needed to help save this great country of ours.

So get out there and fight the good fight. And if you need any help from me, well, sod off, I’m on vacation.

Thank you and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

–WKW

Playing Soccer in Brazil – How Hard Could This Be?

Imagine yourself in a bikini contest in Hawaii. You enter thinking, “Hey, how hard could this be?” You put on the most provocative bikini and strut down the catwalk for several scores of drunken revelers who quickly point out all of your flaws:

“Your stomach is too big!”
“Shave your armpits!”
“Put on a robe!”
“Hey, you’re a dude!!”

Now, take all of this humiliation and add a huge helping of physical pain. Then, I believe you will understand how I feel playing soccer against Brazilians.

I love soccer. It’s been one of my biggest joys since moving to Brazil, as the average Brazilian enjoys soccer as much as my Australian Shepherd enjoys chasing after her favorite toy. It seems to be a mindless, instinctual passion they have for the sport.

Now, I’m fairly typical of the average 38-year-old gringo. I believe the only reason I no longer excel at sports is because I just haven’t put the effort into practicing. So, upon coming to Brazil, I embarked on a practice schedule for soccer (OK, once or twice a week I go out and kick a ball around).

A couple months ago, I went down to a commercial soccer complex and started asking people in my broken Portuguese if I could join in their games. Eventually, a group of guys said yes. Since then, every Thursday night I have been on the pitch, playing soccer with a diverse group of Brazilians.

Ah, the lessons I have learned. The teamwork and camaraderie. The Zen-like physical exertion. Ball-handling, passing and shooting.

Mostly, however, one lesson has stayed with me: I suck. I suck really, really bad at soccer.

Once upon a time, I was an above-average athlete. I was an all-star at baseball and played in high school. I also played on the varsity football team and somehow figured out how to make my 5-foot-9 self into a decent basketball player.

Between the ages of 10 and 11, I also played soccer. I was one of the better players, as I recall.

27 years later, I have learned that memory must be a false one. Every Thursday night I go out and play on a decent-sized field. We play six-on-six. Generally, 30 seconds into a game, I am exhausted.

The Brazilians, however, go on some type of autopilot. Players who have never met each other are combining for impressive give-and-go plays. Usually while I stand somewhere on the pitch catching my breath.

Luckily for me, Brazilians tend to be the nicest people on the face of the Earth. I lose the ball. I make bad passes. My shots go wide, or high, or I whiff on the ball all together. I get in my teammate’s way. I make bad defensive plays. I commit fouls. I fall down a lot. Occasionally I hide on the corner of the field and cry in a fetal position.

But the Brazilians are supportive. They cheer me on, in fact. They have consistently turned down my offers to allow them to punch me in the face for my continued lack of form. They choose to talk about my good traits.

When I play, I run as much as my body will allow. I don’t complain. I don’t get down on myself when I make a stupid play. I never bring a gun onto the pitch, thus shattering their stereotype of Americans in at least one sense.

I try to do things well, at least, and once or twice a game, I’ll actually do something decent. I have figured out how to occasionally dribble past a defender. I get in good position on offense. I’ve made passes that set up goals. Defensively, I get in passing lanes.

So the Brazilians don’t seem to mind me. I think they like having an American playing with them. The players on the bench or resting cheer for me to score a goal and give me advice. Someday, due to the law of averages, I will score a goal, and it will likely be pandemonium. It will be my own personal World Cup triumph.

Thanks to them, my secret fantasies of being a good athlete have remained, even accelerated. Sure, after the games, while I lie on my bed suffering from a full-body cramp, I wonder what the point is.

Maybe I’m just a 38-year-old gringo who likes to fit in. Maybe for 90 minutes a week I get to remember what it was like to be 12, when playing sports was everything to me.

Or maybe I’m just trying to get my body to look good in a bikini some day, when I decide to take my humiliation to the next level.

Regardless, I’m having fun. I’m an American in Brazil and, thanks to my new friends, once a week, I am a jogador. Thanks guys. I’ll keep trying.

–WKW

Originally published at The Shoestring on April 5, 2005.

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