Jesus H. Christ cancels Healing Insurance for the poor
September 16, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
JERUSALEM — Reported Messiah Jesus H. Christ has long been known for his hands-on approach to health care, especially when it came to the neediest amongst us. For many in the surrounding area, Christ’s talented hands were as close to health insurance as they could afford. But no more.
Following disappointing third-quarter projections, Christ has announced that he will only heal those that are both pure of heart and financially stable.
“This is not a socialist regime,” said Christ. “First and foremost, I’m a capitalist. And look at me, I’m wearing dirty robes and can’t afford a decent razor. This has become an unsustainable action.”
Following a meeting with his followers, as well as industry lobbyists, Christ announced that he will no longer be giving humans the gift of health – unless they keep up with monthly premiums and co-pays.
“We’ll still do good works,” said Christ, 37. “But it’s time for the blind, lepers and others to stand up and take some individual responsibility.”
Christ said he’d still offer healing insurance for those that could afford it, and offered suggestions for how the poor could maintain health.
“First off, they can just go to the Emergency room. That’s the law,” said Christ. “I’m not sure how that would work if you have leukemia or something, but there’s that.
“Mainly, people need to know that the road to heaven is paved by paying your bills,” added Christ. “If you’re not willing to get off your butt, get a job and pay for your own health care, then trust me, you aren’t what we’re looking for in heaven.”
Wall Street reacted positively to the news, as shares of Christ International rose 23 percent, with many financial experts claiming “now is the time to invest in Christ Care.”
–WKW
And if you are hungry, don’t look to me for fish. I’ve got more churches to build. Get a job!
Too bad this quote has so many words in it; otherwise, it would perfect for “Palin/Huckabee 2012″ T-shirts & bumper stickers.
Actually, the more I think about it, if you could simplify it up a bit more & work in a coupla 9/11 references, I think it’d stand a good chance of being adopted as the Repub. party platform.
“Good … 9/11 … Stand up … Responsibility”
Let’s bang some of these out and stick em on cars
[...] Front Page Hello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.Powered by WP Greet BoxMore great satire from William K. Wolfrum and his Chronicles. Jesus H. Christ Cancels Healing Insurance For the Poor [...]
WKW, you have once again beeen ‘recognized’ at LTSaloon.org. Thanks for the
You’re like Oklahoma, RS. You’re Ok.
Thanks, WKW, I’ll take that as a compliment.
Speaking of the state where 3 out of 4 high school kids in a recent test didn’t know George Washington was the first president of the United States, there’s this bit of fluff:
http://daly-tribe.com/Humor/if_celebrities_moved.htm
Celebrating Blasphemy Day, are we?
Every day is blasphemy day around these parts
That so needed to be written. Many many Kudos.
Perhaps next week’s episode– Jesus asks followers to take up AK 47′s to wipe out all those blasphemous non-believers.
[...] More than one million Americans are expected to surrender to authorities for secretly hoping they’d see the boy fall, while a million more will surrender for secretly hoping Jesus would swoop in and save the boy. [...]