Report: Rapture came and went three weeks ago
September 21, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
SALT LAKE CITY – The Rapture came and went three weeks ago, say researchers at Brigham Young University. The entire episode took five hours and 45 minutes, and few if any took notice.
“Yeah, Christ was here, he looked around, played a round of golf at Pebble Beach and split,” said one researcher. “It’s a little disappointing really. We expected serious fireworks.”
Many Christians have long believed that the Rapture would include the “vanishing” of millions of loyal Christians around the globe, leaving the rest of the world’s population to die in hellfire. The return of Jesus was supposed to usher in high times for loyal Christians as the doors of heaven would open for them.
As it turned out, however, Jesus showed no real interest in any Christian, living or dead, and instead only took three practicing Jains with him to play golf, and then the foursome ascended to the heavens.
“Maybe next time,” Christ was reported as saying. Christ shot a 73, sources say, as he struggled with his putting.
Many devout Christians said they felt robbed of this significant spiritual event, and blamed liberals for the snub.
“I am a god-fearing Catholic,” said Newt Gingrich. “If Jesus is going to judge us by the liberals amongst us, I say we just shut things down on Earth. That’ll show him.”
–WKW
Today’s winner in the “sentence everyone with an Internet connection should read” category.
As a side note, this post is now holds positions #1 & #2 when Googling “Christ shot a 73″ — three spots ahead of Jesus Christ Superstar, which was released in 1973.
I believe it to be true.
Bwahahaha!
Love it.
[...] Too perfect not to share… Filed under: random babble — Ouyang Dan @ 8:41 am From Bill Wolfrum: Many Christians have long believed that the Rapture would include the “vanishing” of millions of loyal Christians around the globe, leaving the rest of the world’s population to die in hellfire. The return of Jesus was supposed to usher in high times for loyal Christians as the doors of heaven would open for them. [...]
Another hole-in-one from WKW (which is better than Jesus managed, according to a report read here).
However, in my neighborhood, we have been deluged by this ‘Rapture’ talk of late as the local McDonald’s is peddling some kind of Endtimes product on their outdoor sign, “Eat Our New Chicken Rapture!” along with their aged ‘Anus’ beef burgers. (BTW, it doesn’t specify if this is exclusively Manna for cowardly Christians, or if any unBorn Again sinner can partake.) That said, it still doesn’t beat out Heaven On A Bun, which is either a bratwurst from Bethelem (PA) or, even more appropriately, a pulled pork sandwich from a woman named Flo. Yep, I’m lovin’ it.
[...] Hell, the Rapture Came and went three weeks ago. [...]