Corporate Person CIGNA named Obama’s new Health Care Reform Czar
September 22, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
WASHINGTON – The Health Insurance Corporate Person CIGNA has accepted the position of “Health Care Reform Czar,” White House officials have confirmed. The Corporate Person will take over the job as the Obama Administration gets ready for its final push on health care reform.
“We believe the expertise that CIGNA brings to the table will be invaluable,” said Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. “This is an entity that truly understands what the American health care system is all about.”
Recent Big Brother winner Jordan Lloyd will physically represent CIGNA during official meetings (“she has a really nice face,” said sources), and the Corporate Person will have oversight over the entire health care reform debate.
“What’s most important to both Democrats and Republicans is that Health Care Corporate People continue to thrive,” said Sen. Claire McCaskill (D). “We will do what ever it takes to mandate that all people pay these Health Care Corporate People.”
Still, many say current corporate personhood laws are confusing, and that there is the appearance of conflict in CIGNA’s new job. At a press conference, Lloyd said there was no reason to think CIGNA had any conflict of interest in the health care reform debate.
“Oh that’s just silly,” said a smiling Lloyd, who coyly said “no comment” when ABC political reporter Jake Tapper asked if she was going to be dating Jeff outside the house.
Most Democrats and Republicans have thus far praised the Obama Administration for giving CIGNA the Health Care Reform Czar position.
“This gives us the structure we need,” said Senate Finance Chairman Max Baucus (D). “This will only strengthen the mandate, and make it simpler just to funnel money straight to these corporate people who do God’s work.”
Other health care corporate people have come forward with their approval, as well.
“This is really a smart move by Obama, and a great move for America,” said Corporate Person Kaiser Permanente – as portrayed by actress Angie Harmon. “This is health care reform that all corporate persons can get behind.”
–WKW
This is all well & good (that’s right — it’s both well *and* good — you got a problem with that? didn’t think so), just as long as we take all necessary steps to ensure that no immigrant corporate persons or brown corporate persons or poor corporate persons or (perish the thought) poor brown immigrant corporate persons can benefit in any way.
And don’t even get me started on those porn’ lovin’ gay corporate persons.
I hope that’s his real name.
“Brown corporate person”?
Why do you hate UPS, hugh.c.mcbride?
Hey Hey Wolf:
I just came in from over at TPM Cafe. I do enjoy your satirical work and they invariably hit the marks that need to be expressed.
Now, that was quite a heart wrenching story about Melva Jeanne Barkley here above in your knock on “Corporate Person Kaiser Permanente” that you linked. I hope you also read what her husband Mike said at this link: http://www.mjbarkl.com/jeanne.htm
“Lest you think I have it in for Kaiser, please understand that I believe Kaiser is one of the greatest forces for social good in modern America. Having said that, I would like to help them fix what they did wrong in Jeanne’s case. Unfortunately, they are ignoring that request as well.
Kaiser is one of the greatest forces for social good? I agree with Mike on that point with guarded limitations. My wife and I have been members for 28 years here in Southern California. We are also fortunate to have at our disposal on a moments notice a health care legal representative from the UCLA School of Public Health that has intervened on our behalf in the past with Kaiser. Checks and balances.
Mike Barkley sounds like a well reasoned man who undoubtedly is in the grips of grief that only he can fully understand. But even through his grief he also appears to understand that life is full of situations that prove the point that all humans are fallible.
In no way do I miss the point of the corporate person-hood meme. I consider the majority of them a “principality of power” that must be recognized to effectively counteract negative situations that arise from within the beasts.
In closing: Please take the time and visit the digital copy of my chap book I wrote back in the mid 60s.
Thanks for your great pieces of work.
Dog_Knows
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Once again, WKW, you have been ‘recognized’ at LTSaloon.org, and thanks.
@ Hugh C. McBride: As well as ‘bringing the funny,’ you also hit on what could be a dilemma for the US govt — what if, say, a few hundred undocumented workers incorporated themselves in the Bahamas as “Illegal Workers Inc.’ and claimed corporate personhood status? They could then work in the US and dare the govt to come after them. If they were successfully prosecuted and deported, it would establish a legal precedent to prosecute other corporations registered overseas but doing business as a US company. A smart immigration lawyer could point that out to DoJ attorneys, thereby putting them in quite a bind.
@dgun: I believe Jake Tapper was born as ‘Richard Slapper’ but his nickname posed a problem for the blue-noses at ABC.
“We believe the expertise that CIGNA brings to the table will be invaluable,” said Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.”
“Buy in” from corporate America is crucial for the plan’s success.
Obama last night was fun how about we do it again on Friday this Friday bye baby remember your my lolipop bye and I love when you call me pumkin.