Forget Joe Wilson and Mark Sanford, says South Carolina Tourism chief, remember great golf, high crime rates

SOUTH CAROLINA – Desperately trying to distance itself from the outlandish behavior of its Republican politicians, the State Tourism Board has announced an aggressive new campaign to encourage tourism.

“It was time to take the focus off the Republicans and on the state,” said Tourism Board Chairman Tim Tapper. “And we’re willing to go to any lengths to do that.”

South Carolina’s tourism has taken a nose dive in the past few months, most notably for the adulterous and bizarre behavior of Governor Mark Sanford. To make matters worse, Rep. Joe Wilson of S.C., brought scorn to himself, the party and state for screaming “liar” at Barack Obama during a Presidential address on health care reform. That is when, at a late-night meeting – the S.C. State Tourism Board decided to act.

“South Carolina: More crime than a big city, more golf than Scotland,” reads one of the new advertising slogans. Others include:

“South Carolina: Michael Phelps was busted for Pot here;”

“South Carolina: Memories to last a lifetime, provided you don’t get murdered;” and,

“South Carolina: Jesus, we’re sorry. We’re so, so sorry.”

“We decided we needed to be hyper-aggressive to get the taste of Republican out of people’s mouths when they think of our fine state,” said Tapper. “Really, we have some amazing golf here. Come with your clubs and we’ll keep the Republicans away from you.”

–WKW

One-Liner: Health Care Reform care of Joe Wilson

It’s pleasant to think that Joe Wilson may have just guaranteed health care reform with a decidedly “robust” public option. Obviously, it helps a lot that President Obama has joined the fray, but this “You lie!” embarrassment may be something that really sinks the GOP in this battle for health care reform. It’s getting more and more difficult to get around the glaring fact that many of today’s Republicans have come unhinged.

One-Liner: Subsidize this

Just remember, folks, the U.S. is not in the business of subsidizing people for health care. Oh, they’ll subsidize the oil industry and the war machine, but the line must be drawn somewhere.

–WKW

Statement from William K. Wolfrum: “Disagreeing with Obama does not make me racist”

William K. Wolfrum made this statement to his supporters at 3 p.m.

“My friends, over the years you have been by my side through many dramatic events. You have had my back during the good times and bad, and I appreciate that, but now I need you more than ever.

You see, currently there are a number of politically correct haters out there that have taken to calling me a racist. This attack on my character must not go unanswered. Because I am as far from a racist as you will ever meet. I only object with the policies of President Barack Obama.

Like when I sent out that e-mail portraying all the U.S. Presidents and portrayed Obama as two big eyes in a black box. In that circumstance, I was protesting Obama’s foreign policy decisions.

Or then there was that time I sent out that mass e-mail stating that “n[*****] rigs” should now be called “presidential solutions.” Obviously, that e-mail was directed at Obama’s socialist cash-for-clunkers program.

Or the time I created “Obama Bucks” to showcase my distaste for his economic decisions.

Or like when I took a few shots at his daughter Malia, or played “Barack the Magic Negro” on an endless loop, or compared Obama or his wife to gorillas, or called him “boy,” or joked about how he hates working white people.

Obviously all of the above come from my dismay over Obama’s health care reform plans. To see racism is to be politically correct to the nth degree.

So, my friends, I hope you stand by me. As we all know, I don’t have one racist bone in my body. I’m just a policy wonk who does his best to get real issues on the table. And, really, it’s not like these coy little literary devices that I and many Republicans use could have any type of negative effect.

Thank you for your time and I have retained counsel on this matter.”

–WKW

What color should we wear to support Afghanistan people after Election fraud?

Back a few months ago, choosing your wardrobe was easy, as everyone put on something green to show their support of the Iranian people following an apparently fraudulent election.

So, here’s the question: Now that Hamid Karzai has been re-elected as Afghanistan’s President in an apparently fraudulent election, what color should we wear?

Perhaps yellow, to showcase how the people of Afghanistan have had their will to protest beaten out of them after so many years? Or maybe just red, white & blue. No sense in playing dumb, after all.

–WKW

Be a Great American Patriot in five easy steps

Today, you can’t walk down the street without being ideologically undressed by an American Patriot. The streets and roads are chock-full of good, hard-working Americans who want their country back from those that stole it from them.

But just being an American Patriot isn’t enough these days. Today, we need LEADERS. We need GREAT American Patriots that not only understand the incalculable importance of writing in all caps, but also understand that this is a time of action.

Luckily, I am here to help. You see, friends, I know the secrets to becoming an American Patriot worth respecting. That’s because I lived with them for so many years. Like Jane Goodall, I studied these Patriots from afar, gathering information and occasionally eating ribs with them. I understand Patriots.

So, you want to be a Great American Patriot?? Here’s how”

1) Come up with a gloriously patriotic and Christian name for your cause, for Example: “Jesus’s Fighting Red, White & Blue Eagles of Victory.”

2)Join Twitter, FaceBook, Stormfront, MySpace, or any other social networking site where you can find like-minded people who also believe that God & Jesus are their biggest fans.

3) Flood your followers with links from Ayn Rand, the John Birch Society as well as vague insinuations of the need for civil war and the occasional “Obama as a monkey.” joke. Also, make sure one of every four comment you make is scripture.

4) Find a place where people are trying to intelligently discuss issues. Start screaming that everyone’s socialist, fascist, communist, Amish, or whatever. Context is meaningless here. Call them all Episcopalians if you like, no one will know. Just disrupt and make an ass of yourself. Your patriotism will be touted.

5) Patiently wait until another White Republican male is elected President. Rejoice that you have the country back. Slumber for four years.

Trust me, with this plan you can’t miss. For extra credit, send every family member an endless barrage of e-mails that are probably untrue, but will let your family members know you disapprove of them terribly.

And then, my friend, you will be a Great American Patriot. Walk tall, brave American. You’ll get a country back some day.

–WKW

Crossposted at DagBlog.com

American People set to overtake Washington Generals for longest losing streak

WASHINGTON – As the next loss looms over the horizon in the form of health care reform, the American People are prepared to overtake the Washington Generals for the world’s longest losing streak.

Known for their willingness to give a good effort despite being doomed to lose, the American Public is still going through the motions, entertaining the crowd despite the fact that another loss is on the way.

“We will make every Democratic Senator sign a pledge to support a robust public option,” said Jane Hamsher of Fire Dog Lake, moments before being hit in the face with a banana cream pie.

The loss in the health care battle will mark the 13,137th consecutive loss for the American people, whose losing streak stretches back to the 1960s. The Generals, Known for their willingness to give a good effort despite being doomed to lose, have long been the foil of the basketball troop, the Harlem Globetrotters.

One government official said this latest loss will have a dramatic ending, as President Barack Obama and Democratic Senators will pass a bill touting that they’ve reformed health care, despite the fact that the whole thing will end up as a resounding victory for health insurance lobbyists.

“We’re really hoping for a big finish on this,” said the government official. “Just when it dawns on Americans that they lost again, we’re going to hurl a bucket of confetti in their face. It’ll be classic.”

–WKW

Brazil makes Argentina, Messi and Maradona disappear, 3-1

The storyline for Saturday’s Brazil-Argentina World Cup Qualification match was whether Lionel Messi would continue to go missing against Brazil. The answer to that – a resounding yes – helps create another potential missing-person scenario for the Argentina squad, as coach Diego Maradona could soon disappear following Brazil’s victory over Argentina in in Rosario.

Superior finishing and team speed were the keys for Brazil, as Argentina controlled possession throughout the match. Nonetheless, Brazil – led by a dominant performance by Kaká – controlled the scoreboard with two goals by Luis Fabiano and one from defender Luisão. More importantly, Brazil officially qualified for the 2010 World Cup and almost assuredly insured that often embattled coach Dunga would lead his squad to South Africa.

While Argentina often dominated the ball, it produced few solid scoring chances in a hard-fought game. Messi was completely ineffective throughout the match as he and Carlos Tevez continue to struggle to mesh.

Both teams came out aggressively, but neither had a solid opportunity until Luisão headed in a precision free kick entry pass from Elano at the 24-minute mark. Seven minutes later, Fabiano slotted a lose ball in front of the net past Argentina keeper Mariano Andújar.

Maradona brought in his nephew Sergio Arguero to start the second half, and the talented attacker brought a new life to the team. Nonetheless, Brazil’s defense was solid, and César was a commanding force in the net.

Argentina showed the briefest sign of life as Jesús Dátolo put a laser-shot past César at the 65-minute mark. The hope the goal ispired was quickly extinguished as, after a Messi give-away, Fabiano made a perfect run and connected with Kaka’s entry pass for a lobbed shot past Andújar. The play was pure class, and Argentina’s hopes and inspiration seemed to evaporate completely.

For Brazil, it was a stellar victory over its main rival that has endless positives – they’ve now qualified; they put another roadblock in front of Argentina’s path to qualification; and they may have sent Maradona packing. Because as much as Argentina pulled a disappearing act, Saturday night, this Brazil team appeared on the radar as one of the teams to beat in South Africa.

The Bush Administration’s reasoning for torture, by Quentin Tarantino

The Bush Administration’s reasoning for torture, and the right-wing’s reasoning for supporting it, perfectly summarized by Quentin Tarantino and Mr. Blonde:

MR. BLONDE (OS)
Now where were we?

COP
I told you I don’t know anything
about any fucking set up. I’ve
only been on the force eight
months, nobody tells me anything!
I don’t know anything! You can
torture me if you want–

MR. BLONDE (OS)
–Thanks, don’t mind if I do.

COP
Your boss even said there wasn’t a
set up.

MR. BLONDE (OS)
First off, I don’t have a boss.
Are you clear about that?

He SLAPS the cop’s face.

MR. BLONDE (OS)
I asked you a question. Are you
clear about that?

COP
Yes.

MR. BLONDE (OS)
Now I’m not gonna bullshit you. I
don’t really care about what you
know or don’t know. I’m gonna
torture you for awhile regardless.
Not to get information, but
because torturing a cop amuses me.
There’s nothing you can say,
there’s nothing you can do.
Except pray for death.

–WKW

Watching the dogs

I’ll be spending a quiet weekend watching the dogs. Feel free to join me*:

Free TV : Ustream

Live Videos by Ustream

* Not my dogs, mind you. And despite what the top video says, the dogs have already been born and are puppies now.

–WKW

Famous last words

When the last living thing
Has died on account of us …

To be used for killing, money is no object. For healing, it is a valuable commodity and we must be frugal. The narcissistic and greedy who painted war’s dead out of the picture have already done their job of removing the sick from health care reform. The profit of the moment far outweighs forward thinking, and so we discuss genocide and history’s greatest monsters. And another claim is denied.

…How poetical it would be
If Earth could say,
In a voice floating up
Perhaps
From the floor
Of the Grand Canyon …

We will all sacrifice in order to maintain the status quo. We’ll continue paying to keep the rich comfortable and worry free. We’ll continue paying to kill, torture, rape and maim the nameless and faceless in far-off countries. And we’ll continue to put profit ahead of the planet. And as life is rinsed from the Earth, we’ll continually fight over the bounty of our own invention.

Until the final one, the possessor of all the world’s riches and wealth, is washed away. Like the rest of us.

… “It is done.
People did not like it here.”

–WKW

Barack Obama rips off mask, unveils alien lizard head, forces kids to become heroin addicts, blah, blah, blah

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama stunned the Washington press corps today, as he ripped of his mask, unveiling his true self – a giant alien communist lizard. Obama then announced he had addicted all American children to heroin and create a super army of Obama-bots that will rove the Earth like in “War of the Worlds.” Still, the press corp seemed to ignore this entire episode, and continued to quiz Obama on health care reform.

“Won’t a public option drive this nation even further into debt while creating a Canadian-like socialist hellhole for health care?” asked Jake Tapper.

The President then stormed out the White House, demanding immediate legislation to ban all guns and take away everyone’s private property. Finally, he announced that – from now on – all pictures of Jesus must depict him as dark-skinned, because, let’s face it, he was.

“Graaaaargghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” said Obama.

On Fox News, a drunk and naked Glenn Beck laid prone on the floor repeating “I told you, I told you.” Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly were forced to take the day off, as they suffered the rare “simultaneous conniption fit.”

Later in the day, as Obama-bots forced kids to have sex with magpies and ….

… Ok, seriously, this is getting impossible. How in the hell do you satire people who are now convinced that an Obama pep-talk to students is, in all actuality – a shrewd move meant to turn your children into an elite Obama fighting force? I mean, what the fuck?

Do you folks realize how hard it is to write satire about people that are clinically stupid? Because, let’s face it, about 25 percent of the U.S. are blindingly dumb. They scream for government to get out of Medicaid. They’ll claim America has the best health care system in the world. They’ll rail against taxes when the taxes they currently pay are near historic lows. These stupid people are in most need of help, and are fighting it every step of the way.

All I can say is this: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but we are far past niceties here.So if I may speak to 1 of every 4 Americans here: You’re an idiot. And we really need you to recognize that and stop it.

Seriously, people, this political-satire thing is a pretty good niche for me. And it’s being ruined by a 25 percent block that keeps making reality stupider and stupider. Smarten up.

–WKW

The Mainstream Media’s latest fail: Town Hall idiocy gone unchecked

As Lyndon LaRouche supporters and faux Libertarians trickle to Town Hall events to disrupt the discussion of health care reform, the mainstream media has not only reported it as “grassroots uprisings,” they’ve gone so far to actually try and fan the flames of madness:

The most disturbing account came from Rep. David Price of North Carolina, who spoke with a stringer for one of the television networks at a large town-hall meeting he held in Durham.

The stringer said he was one of 10 people around the country assigned to watch such encounters. Price said he was told flatly: “Your meeting doesn’t get covered unless it blows up.” As it happens, the Durham audience was broadly sympathetic to reform efforts. No “news” there.

Read the rest of E.J. Dionne’s piece in the Washington Post. That so many in the U.S. seem to think these types of corporate and fringe protests are some type of watershed moment is purely the fault of the media.

The majority of Americans want health care reform and a public option. They always have. That is the story.

–WKW

Introducing Blogger Hero® The first game for the competitive blogger

Do you love Blogging? Are you a Hero? Well then, Blogger Hero® is the game for you!

You see, with Blogger Hero®, you get the chance to emulate your favorite bloggers. And with each blogger you emulate, you unlock a new blogger!

And when we say bloggers, we mean it. You’ll have the chance to perform as a wide variety of bloggers from all over the spectrum. Of course, we wouldn’t promote this game if we weren’t proud of it, so here’s a quick game-play simulation:

Blogger Hero® Round 1

Grab your keyboard …

… Blog as “Atrios“

Player: “Discourse is so stupid in this country. SUPERTRAIN!”

Win! 100-point bonus. Unlock new blogger “Instapundit”

… Blog as “Instapundit“

Player: “I’m linking to this piece by Don Surber. Maybe I don’t fully agree with his plans for herding up liberals and enslaving them, I’m just linking to it and writing ‘Indeed.’”

Win! 200-point bonus. Unlock new blogger “John Aravosis”

… Blog as “John Aravosis“

Player: “I swear to God, one of these days I’m going to out every last closeted Republican out there.”

Win! 300-point bonus. Unlock new blogger “Arianna Huffington”

… Blog as “Arianna Huffington“

Player: Did you know that immunizations cause autism? Jim Carrey told me. I think if we all just aligned our chakras and drank H2Om water, the economy would improve.”

Win! 300-point bonus. Unlock new blogger “Joe Klein”

… Blog as “Joe Klein“

Player: “The eavesdropping program under Bush was a stunning success, even though I don’t know what it was or what it does. Also, Glenn Greenwald is a dick.”

Win! 400-point bonus. Unlock new blogger “Ana Marie Cox”

… Blog as “Ana Marie Cox“

Player: “I met Christina Ricci!”

Win! 500-point bonus. Unlock new blogger “William K. Wolfrum”

… Blog as “William K. Wolfrum“

Player: “Hey, you know, c’mon, I wrote that Hitler got accused of being ‘the New Obama.’ Do you, like, get that – I’m friggin’ brilliant, right? – alrighty then.”

Win! 600-point bonus. Unlock new blogger “Michelle Malkin”

… Blog as “Michelle Malkin”

Player: “The internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II was just plain wrong.”

Lose! Play again!

Blogger Hero® is made for players 4-and-older and promises endless fun for the whole family. Try and get to the very top of the heap so that you can win the magical “Matt Drudge Award for Excellence in Blogging!”

So remember, you’re a hero! And you’re a blogger! Why not be a Blogger Hero®!!!

–WKW

Thanks to Angelos for the Graphic.

QOTD: Haggard logic

“You are entitled to believe that, just don’t impose your belief system on us.”

– Ted Haggard, answering my position as an atheist, during a Twitter convo with myself and a few others. Haggard is apparently using Twitter in his latest PR attempt to earn another pastor position at another fundamentalist church.

–WKW

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