Blogger to rewrite Bible to serve his own purposes
October 5, 2009 by William K. Wolfrum
OMAHA – Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum has announced today his plans to rewrite the Holy Bible so it better conforms to his standards.
“From what I’ve been told, the Bible’s a hell of a book and has a lot of good lessons,” said Wolfrum, who has admitted to skimming through Revelations to see how it all ends. “But there’s just a lot of stuff in there that doesn’t work for me.”
Wolfrum said he is only interested in changing one major element in the Bible.
“I can’t really verify this, but I’ve heard that the Bible says masturbation is a no-no,” said Wolfrum, who was unsure over whether he was speaking of the Old Testament or New Testament, often conflating the two. “But I’m pretty sure Methuselah told Jesus that it’s a no-no, right? I just can’t have that.”
Wolfrum said his tome will be called “Billy’s Bad-Ass Bible,” and will not be as long as either the Old Testament or New Testament to better take into account chronic masturbators with short attention span.
“It’ll likely be pamplet-sized. Perhaps more like a newsletter, even,” said Wolfrum, who added that he was just as qualified as anyone to rewrite the Holy Book(s). “It really depends how many pictures I can cram into it.”
Despite many calls for his death by Christian fundamentalists, Wolfrum said he was resolute in his new project and would do it for sincere reasons, rather than for monetary gain.
“Hey, I’m trying to do something for all of humanity here,” said Wolfrum. “Because, as I think we’re all well-aware, rewriting the Bible to suit your own purposes is plainly a masturbatory issue.”
–WKW
Would you mind composing the text in bullet points? Much easier to digest that way… K Thanks!
[...] In the meantime, it’s come to my attention that there is, in fact, another bible rewrite underway. I’m not sure it’s a liberal bible, per se, though I think it’s a safe bet that no conservative bible would ever remove the prohibition on masturbation. [...]
This blog deserves a reach-around.
They asked ‘WWJD?’ and didn’t much care for the answer.
So, they took the Christ out of Christian. I call them ‘x-ians’.
I bow before — well, off to one side of, cause I’d hate to get… splattered — you, sir!
WKW FTW!
(Honorable mention — & eeeww! — to Bob)
No applause necessary. It’s like they say: You write what you know.
[...] to that Texas rewriting school history books to fit a conservative viewpoint and a conservative bible in the works, and it becomes dreadfully apparent that conservatives have a serious problem with the [...]